


Petrichor

by Kosho



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Amnesia, Drinking, F/M, Fluff, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Torture, Inquisitor Backstory, Inquisitor Being an Asshole, Light Bondage, Mages and Templars, Magic, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Morning Sickness, Rage, Roleplay, Romance, Secret Marriage, Sexual Content, Sexual Roleplay, Templars, Temporary Amnesia, War Table (Dragon Age), War Table Sex, Why is the Rum Gone?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-05-14 17:36:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 51,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5752186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kosho/pseuds/Kosho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maya has taken the role of Inquisitor, unsure of who she is, or what happened leading up to the events of the Conclave. Some prompting reveals a portion of the truth. A relationship begins between the Inquisitor and the Commander.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What She Lost

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first of many chapters, and does not strictly follow the direct plot of Inquisition. May or may not cover Trespasser eventually. This particular story takes advantage of mods, console command-like events, and combat roles not seen in game, namely berserker mage. 
> 
> *Doctor Who fans may be familiar with the word 'Petrichor', for those unfamiliar, it is the smell after the first rain following a dry period, an earthy smell. Or, as in DW, the smell of dust after rain. This comes into play later, but at first may not make sense.

Petrichor  
Chapter 1: What She Lost

  
Sitting quietly on the steps outside, Maya stared at her hand in thought. The trip to Skyhold had been a long one, and things had become hectic. She hadn't recalled the last time she was able to sit and breathe for just a bit. What troubled her more than anything wasn't being thrust into a position of such power, it was simply that she couldn't recall much about her life before she fell out of the Fade. She knew basics, that she had been in the Free Marches earlier, that she didn't have anyone special in her life. The rest was flashes of things she couldn't explain. Chains, stretched as far as she could see, an explosion in a city she couldn't recall. A throne she could barely remember, and a woman she couldn't place. She frowned, not even certain that 'Maya' was even her name.

Maya turned her glance to the yard, silently observing as people buzzed about. Often had she found herself focusing on people she had come to call friends, hoping for something to spark a familiar feeling. She could recall no special proficiency with weapons of any kind, so she had simply been stuck with a sword and shield, of which she wasn't very good with. For the most part, as much a danger to herself as her enemies. The Iron Bull had once tried her with a two-handed weapon, easily hefted in one of her small hands. Proving only that she was even worse with it than a sword. Sera thought perhaps she could handle a bow, but that went terribly too. She hadn't even successfully managed to nock an arrow correctly.

It was troublesome to not know, even more to question what might happen to her life, her friends if she wasn't who she thought she was. She smiled a little as her gaze fell on the Commander, quickly turning though when he happened to look back, her face warming slightly in a way that meant she must have blushed.

"Something interesting caught your attention?" A voice said.

Turning back to look, she saw Solas then. Exhaling slowly, she pushed herself to stand. Denying it, she shook her head.

"I.. no, I suppose not.. "she mumbled guiltily.

He smiled knowingly, pointing back then.

"If that's true, then why not look again?" he challenged.

Standing up a little straighter, she glanced back quickly, barely enough to count.

"There. Satisfied?" she asked him.

Maya could see he was trying not to laugh, an unusual reaction, to be sure. She shook her head, brushing past him, though he grasped her arm. Sighing in frustration, staring down at the cold stone.

"Was there something else?" she asked.

"I wondered if we might go somewhere, I had something I wanted to speak with you about. I suspect you'd prefer it be in private." he said.

At this, she waved her hand as if to tell him to lead the way. Solas led her into the halls, opening the door to his room, closing it behind her. He pointed to a chair and Maya took a seat, hands folded delicately at her lap. Taking a seat across from her, he said nothing at first. It seemed to her that he was thinking through something.

"Regarding your.. combat tactics.. I wondered if perhaps you could be a mage. You haven't shown any true capability with anything, is it possible?" he inquired.

"Absolutely not, there's no way." she replied immediately.

He raised his eyebrows at the quick denial.

"How can you be so sure, if you can't remember?" he pressed.

Her face wrinkled a little as if presented with something disgusting.

"I don't know.. I just.. I can't." she sighed.

He leaned back slightly, the chair creaking slightly as he did.

"It wouldn't have anything to do with the reaction you received from allying with the mages, would it?" he asked.

Maya had gone out of her way to create an alliance with the rebel mages. On her return, he recalled that Cullen seemed upset by it, and Solas theorized that she was bothered by the possibility as result of that. He wasn't blind, it was almost painfully obvious that there was something there.

"I don't know, ok? I'd rather not discuss this.." she hissed.

Interesting that she was getting so upset over a simple discussion, he thought. It was possible to test the theory at the cost of angering her a little more. Solas ran the idea back and forth in his mind, debating himself on the best way to meet this result. Leaning in slightly, he stared directly into her red eyes. It was like he was trying to read her mind, uncomfortable in its own way.

"You believe that if you were a mage, Cullen wouldn't ever be interested in you. You've noticed that he is, at least slightly interested. You're not ready to lose that." He said.

It was like a challenge, almost. She stared at the desk, and he picked up on the way she shook. It was very slight, but combined with the way her fingernails dug into her palms, he knew she was angry. Solas suddenly appeared to be distracted, reaching a hand across the table, lightly touching her cheek, pulling back almost immediately. Her skin covered in a thin layer of frost, he knew then that he had guessed correctly.

"It seems I was correct after all." he said.

Maya raised her hands a slight distance from the desk, palms up as she inspected them. Cold, and frosted over, obscuring the reddening marks from her nails. Sighing a little, she brought her head to rest against them then.

"That's just great.. What I always wanted to hear." she groaned sarcastically.

Solas frowned a little, but brushed it off.

"Aside from that, I thought perhaps if you could draw out the things you remember, perhaps someone here could make sense of it?" he suggested.

It was a good idea, one she hadn't thought of. She could picture bits and pieces clearly. If she were to draw what she could recall, it might be possible to investigate further. She might unlock more of what she had forgotten. Maya stood up then, turning to leave, though she paused to thank him before she did. Dashing to her room, she grabbed a stack of papers and a pencil, returning to the steps. For whatever reason, she felt as though being outside was easier for her. Beginning to sketch out what came to mind, she hesitated, glancing up. Cullen had stopped beside her, staring at the paper intently.

"I.. Commander.. do.. you recognize this?" she asked hesitantly.

He knelt beside her, taking a closer look. It didn't take him long at all to reply then.

"This looks like Kirkwall.. You.. couldn't have been there, I know I would have remembered a face like yours.." he said.

She bit her lip, a little bothered by the comment. Cullen realized she took it the wrong way, his hand lightly brushing her shoulder for just a moment.

"I..I didn't mean it that way, I just meant.." he trailed off.

"You meant..?" she pushed.

"I meant that you're not someone I would have forgotten." he mumbled.

Maya laughed a little, her fingers reaching to twist a strand of her long red hair for a moment.

"I see. Am I that stunning?" she joked.

He blushed slightly, reaching to rub the back of his neck slightly.

"I.. would it be so bad if I said yes..?" he sighed.

She was the first to admit that she was lousy at reading faces and body language, but she was fairly certain he was actually nervous at that moment. Realizing she hadn't answered for a few moments, she quickly shook her head.

"No! I.. err..thank you.." she murmured.

Turning her focus back to the paper then, she resumed her drawings. He sat beside her then, watching with interest. Normally one to keep her distance from people, she said nothing. That he was so close was strangely comforting to her, and she thought it possible that he might recognize other things. After awhile, she put the pencil down, flexing her fingers slightly. Maybe it was from straining to think, but she had exhausted everything she could recall. Turning then to look at him, her face flushing a little as she did. It hadn't occurred to her how close he actually was, staring right into his eyes for a moment.

"I'm sorry!" she said quickly.

"For what?" he asked.

She shook her head, shrugging slightly. Maya was realizing she likely sounded incredibly strange, apologizing for something like that.

"I.. nevermind.. it's nothing.." she told him.

Cullen smiled a little, reaching for the papers in her hand. Examining them for a few moments, he handed them back to her.

"Nothing else seems familiar to me, but you might ask around. I think you might have more luck with Leliana." he said.

He was trying to distract her, at least that was how it felt. She nodded a little, moving to stand then. Stopping suddenly, she ran her fingers through her hair slowly. Like she had something she wanted to say to him, though she held back. Cullen pushed himself up too, concern written plainly on his face.

"Are you alright?" he questioned.

Saying she looked troubled would be an understatement, and it was as if she was waging a battle with herself. Finally looking up, she took a deep breath.

"Can.. we go somewhere to talk? I mean.. without so many people.." she mumbled nervously.

He turned, walking into the hall once more. Maya gestured to her room at the end of the hall. Cullen followed silently, curious, but a hint of something she couldn't place was there too. Closing the door, she stepped out to the balcony, leaned against the railing as she stared out into the distance for a bit. He leaned against the wall, waiting for her to tell him what she wanted.

"I.. have something I need to ask you.." she began.

"I'm listening." he replied.

She turned her attention to her fingers, a habit she had when she was nervous. Frowning slightly, she continued.

"I.. think I'm a mage.. " she said, waiting for his reaction.

"I see.. are.. you worried about what I think, or?" he guessed.

Sighing, she nodded.

"You could say that.. I haven't been able to get you out of my mind, and this.. this doesn't help." she tried to explain.

Cullen hesitated, resting his hand between her shoulders.

"What's the problem?" he asked.

She turned to face him, yet unable to look him in the eyes.

"Could you even consider someone like me? I don't know who I am, what if I'm not a good person, what if I'm unworthy of all this?" she said, a tinge of bitterness in her voice.

Smiling again, he said nothing. She felt his hand then, brushing through her hair as it came to rest at the back of her neck, his other hand caressing her cheek lightly. Leaning in, his lips pressed to hers, catching her by surprise. Her eyes closing, Maya slid her arms around his neck, giving in. Taking advantage of the way her lips parted slightly, she felt his tongue against hers. The feeling was warm, and unfamiliar, but pleasant. When he pulled away, she took a breath, her eyes opening. Words failed her as she finally looked into his eyes.

"Who you were and who you are doesn't bother me.. I care about you. I want to be with you.." he confessed.

Her attention returned to her fingers. Somehow, hearing him say those things made her feel shy, but also happy. Unsure what to say, she stood on her toes, kissing him again. She had no way to know for certain, but she was reasonably sure she had never done anything like this before, something like this, she knew she would remember. Most surprising was that she hadn't expected someone as serious as he appeared to have that kind of initiative. She broke the kiss, his arms slipping around her waist then. On instinct, she laid her head on his chest, listening to his heart in silence. For the first time in as long as she could recall, she felt completely safe. Like nothing in the world mattered beyond this moment.

"I've wanted this since Haven.." she admitted quietly.

He laughed a little at this.

"What's so funny?" she asked, suddenly embarrassed.

Tilting his head slightly, she could feel his breath against her ear, a slight shiver running down her spine.

"I've wanted to kiss you since then.." he whispered.

Maya was taken aback, hearing him say that, recalling the way she had watched him when she thought he wasn't looking. Wondering then if he had noticed after all.

"Was.. it what you expected?" she questioned.

Cullen nodded, letting her go after a while. Lost in thought, it took him a bit to answer her.

"It was better than I could have ever expected.." he sighed.


	2. The First Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A unique staff, a brief moment to relax, and an unexpected sleepover.
> 
> Art by Fenedhiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter did not go as planned. It may be rubbish.
> 
> Well. This needs editing. I fixed it like four times, and it still doesn't want to stay fixed.

Chapter 2: The First Steps

Maya stared at the paper in her hand, turning for a moment to look at what she had created. Visually, it was identical to what she had drawn. Whether that would be enough was an uncertainty. Solas seemed perplexed, it was different from any staff he had seen in their adventures. It had a bladed edge at the bottom, the top featuring some manner of gemstone nested between three sharp points. It looked more like it was meant for stabbing and cutting than for spell casting. Handing it back to her, he brought his hand to his chin in thought.

  
"You're positive you don't know anything about this?" he asked.

  
She shook her head, leaning against it for support.

  
"I don't know..I just felt like it was important.." she sighed.

  
His expression was distant, almost like he was lost somewhere else for a time. So out of it, that she jumped slightly with surprise when he actually looked at her.

  
"The only thing that comes to mind is that it could be something that was once yours. Why it looks this way, I can only speculate. I suspect that with time, you'll figure it out on your own." he told her.

  
What was most disconcerting to her was how natural it felt, like it belonged in her hands. Maya wanted answers, and it was beginning to look like the only way she would find those answers would be to embrace it. She turned away, heading for the door before she heard him speak once more.

  
"If you wish, I could help you. I'm certain that you could figure it out on your own, but I may be of some use." He offered.

  
Maya was a stubborn, proud person, she considered turning him down. Realizing that she had little idea as to where to begin, she shrugged.

  
"That sounds fine.." she said.

  
Leaving the room, Maya sighed a little as she saw someone else approaching her. She could never escape for very long, and the sheer amount of people with problems bothered her at times. She was handed a message, glancing at it for a moment, before she walked down the hall and through another door. She paused in front of Josephine's desk, rubbing her forehead idly.

  
"You needed to see me?" she questioned.

  
"I had some people looking into the matters brought to our attention. I wanted to tell you in person, we have found your clan. We haven't been able to speak with your Keeper yet, things seem to be a little tense in the region." she said.

  
Maya crossed her arms defensively then, nose wrinkling as she struggled to process the information.

  
"Is this reliable information? I.. can't say that I remember them, how can I be sure?" she asked.

  
"We have looked into it as best as we were able so far. It appears to be accurate." she stated.

  
Tapping her arm in silence, she seemed to be thinking about the situation carefully. Finally, after some time, she reached a decision.

  
"Alright, this is clearly a delicate matter, one that I would entrust to Leliana's people. Have them make contact and see that they try to find anything linking me to them. If they need assistance, I want that seen to as well." She ordered.

  
The sounds of scratching echoed through the room as she wrote it down, glancing up for just a moment.

  
"Very good, It will be done as soon as possible. In the mean time, if there was anything you needed.." Josephine said.

  
Maya shook her head then.

  
"I think I'm alright, thank you." she answered.

  
Not wishing to bother her unnecessarily, she left quickly. As soon as she was out in the hall, she took a deep breath, composing herself for a moment. Maya felt a hand on her shoulder, jumping a little, irritated by the interruption. Turning around then, to see who it was, she calmed down a little.

  
"Is everything alright?" he asked quietly.

  
He could tell she was having a difficult day, but she was trying despite that.

  
"It's fine.. just a headache." she mumbled.

  
Cullen looked around for a moment, his voice low as he spoke then.

  
"If.. you need a break sometime.. " he started.

 

She could tell he wasn't quite sure where he was going with it. It was endearing, in a way.

  
"If I do, then..?" she pushed.

  
He sighed, his hand brushing against the back of his neck.

  
"I.. meant to say my door is always open.. but I guess that sounds strange.." he trailed off.

  
Maya smiled a little, shaking her head in denial.

  
"It doesn't sound strange at all." she assured him.

  
Glancing around again, he was aware of the number of people gathered in the hall. Certain he didn't want people to talk, the real question was whether it was because he was too shy, or if it was more for her benefit. Watching as he left then, she stepped outside. Finding a tree by the wall, she sat down, idly rubbing her ankles for a moment. Folding her arms behind her head, she stretched out lazily. A fine time to relax while she had a chance to do so. Odd though, people continued to walk by as though she weren't there. Even when they looked her way, it was like they were looking through her.

  
It felt like hours had passed, and it was getting dark out. Most had went to bed, except those still at the tavern and a few who likely didn't sleep much anyway. Rolling onto her stomach, she pushed herself up and to her feet, heading back inside. The few people scattered in the hall didn't pay her any attention either. Maya went through the door nearest to her, Solas was nowhere to be found so she assumed that he had gone somewhere else to sleep. Sneaking through to the other door, she quietly went through. Staring at her fingers while she walked, she came to a stop at the door down the wall.

  
Hesitating, she took a deep breath, opening the door slowly. Her hands were shaking, and she felt nervous, though she had no reason to be. It wasn't as though she had never been in this room before. Cullen looked up then, quickly standing when he saw her. Maya grinned slightly, the reaction interesting. As though he didn't want to be seen sitting on the job.

  
"I.. thought maybe you might.." she struggled.

  
She had everything planned out in her head, and it was falling apart quickly. What was it about him that made her so awkward? She hung her head then, defeated by her own thoughts.

  
"I might.. what?" he asked.

  
She couldn't bring herself to look up. Wondering then what people might think of her if they could see her now.

  
"Might.. like some company.. just for a bit, I mean.." she murmured.

  
Cullen reached out then, grabbing her hand, his fingers slipping between hers. Gently tugging her closer, his free arm circling her waist. Acutely aware of everything, or so it felt. The fresh smell of her hair, reminiscent of a spring morning, the freckles hidden across her face, almost unnoticeable lost in her warm caramel skin. Realizing he had been staring, he shook his head, slightly flushed. Leaning in, he kissed her. She brought herself onto her toes, breath catching just a little. He moved with her then, sitting down with her. Pulling back for a moment, he easily brought her into his lap. Blushing a little at the way he held her, the warmth of his hands against her backside.  
She settled in, her arms around his neck. Taking a moment to catch her breath, she leaned back in, kissing him again, closing her eyes. It took him by surprise for her to show initiative like this. After a few moments, she pulled back, resting her head on his shoulder. Maya idly traced the scar on his cheek, sighing. Something was on his mind, eyebrows drawn together in a way that made her wonder what it was.

  
"Did.. I do something?" she asked curiously.

  
He quickly denied it, attention drawn back to her eyes then.

  
"I.. worry about you. I've never done anything like this before. I worry what happens to you if people start to talk.." he sighed.

  
"Let them talk, I don't care what other people think.. I care what you think.." she explained.

  
"You already know what I think, if..I've made you believe I'm concerned about the rumors, or that perhaps I'm not serious about you.." Cullen sighed.

  
"Are you? Serious, I mean." She inquired.

  
He nodded once, letting her get comfortable before he answered.

  
"I admit I don't really know how this goes, but I'm not letting you get away." he teased.

  
A glow spread across her cheeks then, and she buried her face against his neck. It was like she was trying to hide from him for a moment, unexpectedly adorable. Turning her head slightly, she whispered in his ear, almost too soft to hear.

  
"Don't let me go.." she breathed.

  
Reaching for her hand once more, he hooked her pinky with his, kissing her forehead lightly.

  
"It's a promise.." he told her.

  
She sighed, her attention turning to the door. It occurred to her how late it was, and that she should at least make an effort to get some sleep before someone decided they needed her attention again. Swearing to herself that one of these days, she would get a full day to herself. Preferably in bed, catching up on all the sleep she wanted.

  
"I should go, probably.." she said.

  
He didn't let go, pulling her back to him before she could move away.

  
"You could.. " he started, hesitating.

  
"I could what?" she asked.

  
Grinning slightly at his suddenly nervous expression, as though what he was about to suggest might be taken the wrong way.

  
"You could stay here tonight, if you wanted.." he offered.

  
She was caught off guard, but played it off well. Wondering if she could make him blush, she opted to tease him a little.

  
"Oh? You certainly move quickly." she joked.

  
It worked better than expected. Cullen directed his attention to his desk, blushing visibly.

  
"I.. I didn't mean.." he mumbled nervously.

  
Maya giggled, embracing him once more.

  
"I know.. but if you're sure you don't mind.." she said.

  
He pointed to the ladder near the door.

  
"I don't. It's up there if you want to go." he directed.

  
It was strange enough sleeping in her own room at first. To be in someone else's room would take some time to adjust. Best to go right then and not give herself time to worry about it too much. She slid off his lap, a bit more awkwardly than she would have liked. Stopping in front of the ladder, she stared up for a moment, unable to bring herself to look back. Going up, she disappeared rather quickly from view, pausing at the top. It was as she suspected, a bare room with not much of note besides the bed. Neatly made of course. Exhaling slowly, she sat on the edge of the bed, bending to take off her boots. Maya knew it would be strange, not that anyone would have known it, but she usually slept in very little. Considering the situation, the very idea was too much for her. Stretching out after a bit, she stared up at the ceiling, finding it irritating that she was treating it like the first time she had ever been in a bedroom at all.

  
Eventually, she covered up, closing her eyes in a weak attempt to fool herself into falling asleep. Hearing him coming up was different too, a feeling in her stomach that she couldn't explain. Cullen sat on the other side, and though she didn't look, she could guess based on the sounds she heard that he was taking off his armor, his boots following. Tensing a little when he layed down next to her, she noticed that he seemed just as nervous. Hesitating, he slid his arm around her waist. Maya said nothing, in fact, relaxing when he did. An attempt to make her feel more comfortable, she imagined.

  
Telling herself it was just sleep, she settled in. Falling asleep after a short time, not quite sure if he fell asleep as well, or if he stayed awake. Easy enough to picture him wide awake, knowing how busy he always kept himself.

  
The next morning, Cullen woke first, looking at the bed beside him. Part of him had believed it might have been a dream, but there she was. She was quiet, the only hint of her breathing was the slow way her chest rose and fell, lips slightly parted. He quickly turned his attention away, getting dressed in silence. Maya sat up quickly, momentarily forgetting where she was. It occurred to her that she wasn't in her own room. She stood up, grabbing her boots, slipping them on easily before she noticed him. He found the whole thing amusing, or it appeared that way.

  
"Well, good morning.." he said.

  
She adjusted her over shirt slightly, finally focusing on him.

  
"G..good morning.." she stuttered.

  
He stretched, standing slowly. Considering her position, it was interesting to see how different she was around him. Almost innocent in a way that he couldn't explain.

  
"Did you sleep well?" he asked.

  
"I slept fine.." she replied quietly.

  
"Even though..?" he dug, unable to finish his thought.

  
Distracting herself with her fingers again, she nodded.

  
"It was unusual, I admit. Difficult to adjust to at first, but nice.." she tried to explain.

  
Cullen tried to lighten the mood, hoping to make her feel less nervous about it.

  
"I've spent enough time sharing quarters with men, I preferred your company." he joked.

  
Maya smiled slightly, dropping her arms to her sides.

  
"Well, I'm pleased it was alright then.." she murmured.

  
Standing next to her then, his eyes fixed on hers, he gave her a quick kiss. Sighing some, he turned his focus to the ladder.

  
"We should go, shouldn't we?" he said, more to himself.

  
"Honestly, I wish we didn't have to.." Maya grumbled.

  
She slid down, stepping back at the bottom. He followed shortly after, watching as she headed for the door.

  
"I'll see you around.." she told him.


	3. The Truth, or Something Like It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maya receives some information and winds up with more questions than answers. Romantic tension and more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regarding Alina: When I played Origins, it was after Inquisition. I always intended for her to be Maya's mother as far as plot goes. 
> 
> I disagreed with the idea that Alistair should only be able to marry a human Noble when he himself has an elven mother =/. So. Secret wife.

Chapter 3: The Truth, or Something Like It

  
Maya tapped her foot impatiently, waiting on word from Leliana. The sound of flapping wings and loud calls getting on her nerves. Feeling like she had been waiting forever, she was about to leave. Before she could, however, the sound of footsteps caught her ears. Exhaling slowly, she took a step back, staring at the woman in front of her. She held out a sealed envelope, which Maya immediately reached for, though she seemed suspicious.

  
"Did you happen to look at what's in here?" Maya questioned.

  
"I thought you might want to look first. Though I admit I am interested." she told her.

  
Maya groaned as the sound picked up again, gesturing for her to follow.

  
"Fine. We can look together, if we can just go somewhere not as loud." She complained.

  
The Nightingale followed quietly, back to her room. She sat at the desk, leaning back slightly in the chair. Opening the envelope, she pulled out a stack of papers, and some kind of necklace. Perhaps it should have been familiar to her, but it wasn't. Her eyes darted back and forth while she read, eventually handing the first page to the spy. Nothing important yet, just a letter of.. well, reintroduction from her Keeper. One by one, she handed off the pages, sitting up finally. Maya looked serious, shaking her head in disbelief at whatever it was.

  
Closing her eyes slowly, she seemed lost in thought. Perhaps something she read had triggered a memory. Finally speaking, but not looking, she posed a question.

  
"Does the name Alina Lavellan mean anything to you?" Maya asked.

  
She could hear her breathing increase a little, and she had her answer, but she wanted to hear it for herself.

  
"Alina is the name of the Grey Warden who stopped the Blight. The Hero of Ferelden." She replied.

  
She handed her the page she had been reading.

  
"If this is all verified information, that woman.. is my mother." She explained.

  
"It would have been long before the Blight, it appears that it was an accident, and I was the result. With any luck, perhaps she forgot about me entirely. Do you know what happened to her?" Maya pressed.

  
Leliana sighed, nodding slowly.

  
"She defeated the Archdemon, and survived. King Alistair's secret until he could convince people to accept her. I hear she's currently missing." She explained.

  
"So.. presumably still alive. What do you mean by secret until people accept her?" Maya questioned.

  
"She was.. is? The King's lover. Before he assumed the throne, they married in secret. With Anora out of the way, most assume he rules alone. With her missing though, I have to wonder if something happened.." she said.

  
"I see. Well. I should look through the rest of this, I can't waste more time on her than she did on me." she spat.

  
Much of the rest of the information only confirmed what she had guessed. She was indeed a mage, First in her clan. It made vague reference to some of her accomplishments, but nothing she could remember. Most helpful was a drawing of the same staff she had made. There was a rune in the drawing though, one absent from the staff she had made. Dagna would be the one to see about that, but it would keep. On the last page, she found what she had been hoping to learn. Her real name, listed right there, although there was an explanation about the name she remembered.

  
Mana Lavellan. A name she should have remembered, but she didn't. The notes explained that Maya was a code name, a name that meant illusion, magic. Implying unbelievable power and wisdom, traits that she had been praised for having, but which she didn't believe she had. There had been passing mention that she had been missing for an entire year, and that she had changed significantly when she returned. Another mystery to solve, it seemed. The end of the letter simply told her to stay calm, but remember that anger can be a powerful thing if harnessed correctly. Whatever that meant, it was lost on her.

  
Turning her attention to the necklace, she held it for a few moments, before Leliana noticed it.

  
"I recognize that.. " she said.

  
She pushed her hair to the side, putting it on.

  
"Where do you know it from? " Maya questioned.

  
"It belonged to well the.. your mother. It was a gift from.. someone special." she told her.

  
Rolling her eyes a bit, recalling what they had talked about a short time ago, it was easy to put together.

  
"Let me guess, Alistair gave it to her, and somehow the clan came to possess it, and now it's mine?" she persisted.

  
"I.. yes.." she sighed.

  
Staring at the pile of papers, she shook her head in silence.

  
"So much of this still doesn't make sense. I don't remember any of this, I only have more things to look into. What am I supposed to do if I exhaust every lead and still can't remember anything?" she lamented.

  
Leliana took the paper with the drawing on it, looking confident.

  
"I am certain that we'll uncover something along the way. Your memories won't be lost forever. On the rare chance that they are, why not enjoy the new ones you've made. A second chance to decide who you are and become who you want to be? That's an opportunity even if you don't see it as such." she affirmed.

  
Gesturing to the paper then, she turned toward the door.

  
"I'll take this to Dagna for you. I have a few ideas about where to begin if you would like for me to proceed for you." she said.

  
Maya nodded a bit.

  
"That sounds fine. If.. if it's alright, I'd prefer to work from here today. Should anyone need me, could you see that they are directed here?" she asked.

  
It was obvious she was under some amount of stress, and could benefit from a rest, even if she couldn't just do nothing. The sister left quietly, and Maya stood, taking the papers again. Sitting on the couch by the steps, she stretched out lazily, reading through them again. Perhaps if she only read it a few more times, she might remember something.

  
Unsure how long she had been there for, she forced herself to stand, wedging the papers in between a book she had been reading when she found some time. Walking out onto the balcony, she leaned against the edge, staring down at the ground below. The breeze picked up, and despite the coldness of it, it was pleasant. A strange sensation overcame her, she felt dizzy, and her vision blurred slightly. Shaking her head, she backed away slowly, wincing as an intense pain washed over her, passing as quickly as it began. Maya couldn't place the voice repeating in her head, but it sounded so familiar for no real reason.

  
"Mana, quickly, run away!" she kept hearing.

  
The words meant nothing to her, but it caused a sense of urgency and dread to linger inside her. Who or what was she supposed to run away from? When she focused on that, all she could picture was a scene too fuzzy to make sense. Walking back in, she closed the door leaning against her desk for a moment, reaching for the bottle on the corner, not bothering with a glass. Opening it quickly, she tipped it back, draining half of it before she stopped. Setting it back down, she pressed her fingertips to her temples, trying to stave off the remnants of the pain she felt. The voice was gone now, but the questions about what it meant persisted in her mind.

  
The sun was going down, and she was reasonably sure her night was over. Opening the door by her bed, she heaved a sigh. Josephine had actually managed to acquire the bath she had jokingly asked for when they first arrived at Skyhold. Turning the faucets, she quietly undressed while she waited, closing the door behind her. When the bath was full, she shut it off, stepping in. Maya washed quickly, wanting to relax for a little while. Resting her head on the edge, she closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths. The water went cold by the time she decided to get out, pulling the drain. Getting out, she hesitantly opened the door. No one seemed to be there, so Maya snuck out to the dresser, digging through for fresh clothes.

  
Bending slightly, she stepped into the plain but comfortable underwear she had picked. She reached back to clasp her bra. Maya opened a different drawer, looking through for something comfortable, for the next morning. She heard a noise, looking for the source. Her face turned an unusual shade of pink when she turned her attention to the door. Too late to do anything about it at that point, she tried to come up with something to say.

  
"Did you need something?" she asked politely.

  
Cullen seemed to have trouble deciding if he was supposed to look away or what to do in this situation. Clearing his throat, he settled on the fireplace for a focal point.

  
"I.. er.. I heard you received some news today, and I.. had thought to see if you were alright. I didn't mean to.." he stopped then.

  
Turning back to the door, thinking it might be best to leave until she spoke.

  
"If you'd like to stay and talk.." she trailed off.

  
"I would like that.. if you're sure, that is.." he countered.

  
Maya sat on the edge of the bed, sitting back. She was embarrassed, sure, but she wasn't about to change her personal habits or waste a chance to kick back just because of that. For his sake though, she pulled up the blanket, covering herself. Cullen nervously sat at the edge of the bed, his back to her anyway. It was tense, moreso than she felt like she could deal with. Reaching for his arm, she pulled him down next to her.

  
"Cullen.. look at me.." she pleaded quietly.

  
Taking a deep breath, he turned to face her, looking into her eyes for a few moments. His fingertips brushed against her cheek, her expression far too inviting to ignore. Moving in slowly, he gently nipped at her lower lip, tugging slightly, kissing her deeply. Distracted for a bit from the initial reason he had stopped by. Time seemed to stretch on forever before he allowed himself to let her go.

  
He turned his attention to the canopy above the bed, remembering what he had meant to ask.

  
"Did.. you want to talk about it?" he questioned.

  
"I do..though.. " she said.

  
"What's the matter?" he asked.

  
"I'll tell you all about it, but only if you stay here tonight.." she insisted.

  
He thought about the offer, he wanted to say yes. The problem was that her room was much less private, concerned about what people would think of her. It was a chance he decided he was willing to take.

  
"Alright.." he answered.

  
Cullen took a few moments to get comfortable, pulling the blanket over himself. When he was comfortable, she rested her head on his chest, holding her protectively while she composed her thoughts.

  
"I'm afraid there wasn't much to go on, more threads to follow. If I believe what I read, I at least know who my mother is, and what my name is.." she told him.

  
"What do you mean, if you believe? How likely is it that the information is unreliable?" he asked.

  
"Truthfully? I don't have any reason not to trust it. I just don't want to get my hopes up only to find out it was wrong.." Maya sighed.

  
"What was it? Your name, I mean..?" he asked.

  
It felt strange to say it, though she was relatively sure it was probably used more often than the name she had been using.

  
"Mana.." she answered.

  
"Do you prefer Maya or Mana?" he asked, genuinely interested.

  
This took some thought. Maya was familiar, but Mana was the name she was meant to have. There was a lot to consider. It seemed she had finally decided the answer.

  
"I think I prefer Mana.." she sighed.

  
He could see that she was worn out, working tirelessly as  she did. Adding this to it only seemed to take more out of her. Mana's eyes were closed, and for once, she seemed completely at peace. Cullen didn't want to press the topic any further.

  
"You should get some rest. It sounds like you've had a long day. If I can do anything to help you figure it out, you need only ask.." he promised

  
She yawned slightly, coming to the sudden realization that she was actually exhausted. Perhaps it was a result of having him so close by. Not that she could bring herself to admit that to him, not yet. She draped her arm across his chest lazily, feeling him hold her just a little tighter.

  
"I suppose you're on to something.." she mumbled sleepily.

  
He closed his eyes too then, taking a deep breath. As much as he tried, he couldn't get the way she looked out of his head. Cullen realized he might not be able to sleep after all. Her, on the other hand, she was almost there already.

  
'What am I getting myself into..?' he wondered to himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Maya: literally means "illusion", "magic"  
> literally implies extraordinary power and wisdom  
> connotes a "magic show, an illusion where things appear to be present but are not what they seem"  
> also a spiritual concept connoting "that which exists, but is constantly changing and thus is spiritually unreal"  
> and the "power or the principle that conceals the true character of spiritual reality"  
> "the wondrous and mysterious and wondrous power to turn an idea into a physical reality"  
> meaning mystify, confuse, intoxicate, delude  
> "disappear, be lost"  
> Maya here implies art, is the maker’s power  
> Maya, in Jainism, means appearances or deceit that prevents one from Samyaktva (right belief). Maya is one of three causes of failure to reach right belief. 
> 
> (All information comes from Wikipedia, and other sources. A good name, considering. Also, a possible spoiler. Basically, I believe that she may have forgotten how to use magic, but what she is capable of is creating that which she can imagine with few limits. Specializing in illusions, and the ability to disappear at will, consciously or otherwise.)
> 
> My first version of this was much steamier, so I'm trying to pace myself now. Cullen shows some remarkable restraint, I guess.


	4. The Lost Year pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip leads to a possible discovery. Leliana's information leads to a place that may hold the key to where the Inquisitor was in the year before the Conclave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seems like this chapter ran a little short. Poor Cullen.

Chapter 4: The Lost Year pt. 1

  
Mana stepped out of the carriage, turning back to face the spymaster. Whatever they had come here for, it must have been important. Following behind, Cassandra emerged, then Cullen and finally Solas. The whole affair was bizarre to her. Leliana and Cullen rarely ever left, and it struck her as suspicious that Leliana herself had personally insisted on the company she brought with. The path they walked was littered with rubble, the debris bearing scorch marks.

  
"So.. I suppose it's too much to ask where we're going? Maybe an explanation of why I had to bring you guys specifically?" She grumbled.

  
"I wasn't aware you found our company unpleasant." Solas said off-handedly.

  
"It is a precaution, nothing more.." Cassandra said.

  
Leliana shot her a disapproving look. It was a simple statement, but perhaps too much had been said with it.

  
"Tactful as always.. " she sighed.

  
Mana kept her head down, keeping an eye out for anything that seemed important. Not knowing the nature of the.. what was this anyway? A mission? Without more details she had only weakened instincts to follow. Ducking under some low hanging, broken branches, a completely decimated building in view. Interestingly enough, nothing was growing around it, not even grass. Whatever happened here, the land seemed unable to support life at all, at least not for a decent distance.

  
Still trying to figure things out with only pieces, she stopped for a moment. A building, destroyed.. demons? Solas was the most knowledgeable when it came to anything relating to magic, spirits and related matters. Cassandra and Cullen both served similar functions. Leliana was obviously there for information gathering. That she had to come with likely meant that it was relating to her, though the specifics were unknown. It occurred to her that, being a mage, the seeker and an ex-templar were suspicious, though, Mana hadn't bothered with lyrium at all. What would Cassandra's role be?

  
She hadn't been very successful in her training in the past few weeks either. What danger could she be to anyone, if she couldn't really do anything. Solas appeared to be interested in the marks left on the crumbled stone, though by the way he looked, he wasn't sure what to make of it either. The group spread out, digging through the piles for anything. Mana tried, but the feeling she got when she came closer was like a warning. She shouldn't get any closer, though she didn't know why. The mounting sense of fear she felt caused her to back away. Losing her balance, she fell backwards, hitting her head when she landed. Cassandra brushed herself off, reaching a hand out to help her up. Grabbing it, she allowed herself to be pulled up. Holding her head in her hand, she groaned mildly as an echoing pain spread across the back of her head.

  
"This place is really starting to piss me off.." she complained.

  
Leliana stood up finally, holding what looked like shackles. The chain between them was woefully short, and from where she stood, it looked like they were crusted with dried blood. Probably connected to the wall originally, though not anymore. Whether this was from the passing of time, or something else was a mystery. She passed them to Solas to see if he could gain any insight from them. Examining them carefully, he saw markings carved into the insides. The lock bore scratches on the inside, a good indicator that someone had picked it. Handing them to Cassandra next, she seemed familiar with the markings.

  
"These were often used to negate magic, I've seen these in books before." She said.

  
Cullen reached for them, taking a closer look.

  
"There were markings like these in the Circle. Meant to keep mages from entering restricted areas, they prevent the use of magic. " He explained.

  
"So, whoever these were holding was likely a mage. Unable to do anything more, they picked the lock. The patterning of the blood, it wasn't the mage. Blood magic is a possibility, I suppose.." Solas stated.

  
Leliana shook her head.

  
"I think whoever was held here may have been considered dangerous. That doesn't have to mean blood magic. If there was some indication of what this place used to be, it's long gone. If we could determine the nature of what went on here, it may help." She said.

  
Mana couldn't look away, brief flashes of things that made no sense playing through her mind. Forcing herself towards the group, she grabbed the cuffs, clasping them around her wrists. She had a theory of her own, and this seemed to be the best way to test it. Going against that feeling she had felt wrong, and her nerves were twisting into knots just standing there. Stepping back by the wall, she turned her back to it, squatting down. Closing her eyes in an attempt to block out other sensations so she could give her full attention to what she was seeing.

  
"Inquisitor, what are you--" Cassandra began.

  
Solas cut her off with a gesture, indicating she should be quiet and observe. None of it made sense, though she reached through the debris, pulling out a thin metal piece and a flat, but wider object, long unidentifiable. Bringing them to the lock, hands shaking, she scraped against it, fumbling around until she heard a click, the cuffs falling away again. Opening her eyes, she frowned, pushing herself to stand once more.

  
"It was you.." Leliana noted.

  
"I guess it must be, how else could I have done that? It doesn't help though.. I can't remember what happened, and we don't know what this was for.. " She grumbled.  
Walking away once more, she pointed in the direction of the carriage. The look on her face was one of discomfort.

  
"I would like to get as far from here as I can. Unless there's anything else, I'll wait back there.." she indicated.

  
Before she received any kind of reply, she had dashed off ahead of them.

  
"Do you think she remembers how to get back?" Cassandra asked.

  
"She can't remember the past, Seeker. I'm certain she hasn't forgotten that." Solas pointed out.

  
Cullen shrugged slightly.

  
"I'll make sure she gets back alright.." he sighed.

  
He had actually wanted to stay back and work, and standing around with no real reason had been frustrating. At least this way he was doing something productive. They waved him off, and he walked back in silence, keeping an eye out for her, in case she had strayed from the path. He saw her as she stepped in, a few steps behind her. Getting in, he closed the door, leaning back in the seat. Mana laughed quietly, glancing at him for a moment.

  
"I take it they sent you to make sure I don't do anything?" She asked.

  
Cullen shook his head in denial.

  
"No, I offered. I can help more here than I could there." He replied.

  
She reached up, fingertips brushing his hair back slightly.

  
"Are you sure you didn't come here so we could be alone for a little while?" she teased.

  
He blushed, unsure what to say at first.

  
"Well.. no.. I mean.. " he struggled.

  
Grinning slightly, she reached for his hand, slipping her fingers between his.

  
"I was only teasing.." she assured him.

  
"Maker's breath.." he sighed.

  
Stretching out, she turned her attention to the loose threads on her gloves for a moment.

  
"I wouldn't ask that of you. I don't want it unless I know you.. understand what it means.." she mumbled.

  
"What does it mean to you?" he asked curiously.

  
"It means you're sure that I'm the only one for you, that you're sure you can see a future with me.. I know what you think of mages.. and I have no idea if I was anything like the ones that hurt you. For all I know I could be just as dangerous or moreso.." she lamented.

  
Cullen looked away, staring out the window for a moment.

  
"I've already told you, I'm not afraid. I don't see those things when I'm you. I'm not bothered by the ears and I'm not bothered by the magic, you can trust me.." he told her.

  
She stared up at the sky through the narrow window, frowning slightly.

  
"Aren't you even a little curious? Wondering perhaps what I could have done to belong in those..?" she asked, referencing the handcuffs.

  
"Maybe you did nothing, maybe it's just something you're into.." he teased.

  
It caught her off guard, hiding her face in her hands for a moment. Disbelief, that was the best way to describe what it.

  
"Commander, I can't believe you said that, I'm shocked!" she said.

  
It was said with affection, so he didn't take it as a bad thing. Thinking about it for a moment, she moved to sit on his lap, her hands on his shoulders. It certainly got his attention, and quickly.

  
"I wonder, what if it is something I like..?" she joked.

  
He gripped her butt, adjusting her slightly before stealing a quick kiss, moving to nip at her neck. Cullen admitted he wanted to see how she would handle that, caught off guard by a quiet moan.

  
"Then I suppose if you are, I'll just have to remember that.." he said.

  
Cullen lifted her slightly, setting her down on the seat once more, staring at his boots in an attempt to distract himself. Her fingertips brushed against the mark left on her neck, not expecting him to be so forward, not that she minded. Mana barely had time to think about what happened before the others returned and they began the long journey back to the keep.

  
"So.. did you find anything useful?" Mana asked after awhile.

  
Leliana shook her head.

  
"No, I'm afraid not. We'll look into it more when we get back. Perhaps we can find some records of what was there. Someone knows something. It's just a matter of figuring out who to ask and how to get it out of them." she said.

  
"Cullen, you seem a little tense, are you feeling well?" Solas asked curiously.

  
He shot him a look, turning away quickly.

  
"I'm fine." he grunted.

  
Deciding against further inquiry, he fell silent. Mana slouched in her seat, closing her eyes.

  
"I'm going to take a nap, I've got nothing better to do at the moment.." she said, to no one in particular. 


	5. Shatter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long mission, there's still no time to rest. Training with Solas is interrupted by a not-so-familiar face from the Inquisitor's past. Dorian has the means to help.
> 
> Art by: Fenedhiss

Chapter 5: Shatter

  
Mana had been called away from her search to handle Inquisition matters for awhile. Weeks, in fact. When she finally arrived, she had no mental energy to continue her search, looking forward to a short reprieve from anything resembling work. Naturally, she wasn't even allowed that. Almost immediately, she had been stolen away to work on her fast progressing magic. Mana had quickly come to regret agreeing to let Solas help with it. As gentle, though slightly grumpy as he appeared normally, he was a harsh taskmaster.

  
"I'd really prefer if this could wait.." she protested.

  
"I'm sure you would, but where will waiting get you?" He argued.

  
There was no use in trying to sneak her way out of it, she knew that already, but always felt the need to try anyway. Tenacity was a good thing, wasn't it? Over time, she had come to discover she had decent skill in healing spells, but what she needed was combat skill. Whether it was because she was holding back, or because she couldn't recall if she ever knew any was still uncertain. She blanked out for a few moments, lost in her own thoughts until she caught something hurling towards her out of the corner of her eye, falling to her knees and bending back quickly to avoid it.

  
"You did that on purpose!" Mana complained.

  
"Of course, now get back up and pay attention." he scolded.

  
He had a way of making her feel like a child in the worst way at times. Trying to bring herself back to the present, she pushed herself back onto her knees, standing up with a sigh. He stared at her for a few moments, as if trying to silently direct her to do something. She knew the basics of spell casting, and with as often as he had corrected her form, it seemed like it should have been easy. Fire was supposed to be easy, but no matter how hard she focused on it in her mind, nothing seemed to happen.

  
"I can't do this, I'm trying, but it's not working.." she explained.

  
It was obvious he didn't feel like she was trying hard enough, striding towards her then. Standing in front of her, he gestured for her to try again so he could observe up close. Mana frowned a little, but repeated the previous effort. Having him this close was uncomfortable, not usually one to let people into her space so casually.

  
"The last time I noticed any hint of offensive magic, you were upset. Perhaps you need to be again." he suggested.

  
She laughed a little, turning to face him then, her hand resting on her hip.

  
"Wait, you actually want to make me mad?" she asked incredulously.

  
Solas was the type to watch people closely, and she had the feeling he already knew the best and fastest ways to bother her. That much she could guess, what she didn't know was how he planned to accomplish it. He reached down, grabbing the staff and tossing it to the side. He took a step towards her and she instinctively backed away, continuing until she was backed against the wall. Solas reached for her then, but she easily slid away.

  
"What are you doing?" she asked grumpily.

  
"Helping.." he replied calmly.

  
"I wouldn't do that, if I were you." A voice warned.

  
He turned around, not recognizing who it was. Standing behind him was a tall man, about six feet in height, skin the same warm tan as hers, though his hair was black, his eyes a cold blue. He kept his hair pulled back neatly, tied back, where it extended just between his shoulders. He wore no shirt, faded leather pants, and armor plated boots that went to his knees. His hands covered by simple black gloves. Well toned, to be sure, but not overly muscular. The look on her face meant she had no idea who he was either.

  
"Gods man, put a shirt on, you're making me feel out of shape." She groaned.

  
The stranger laughed a bit, shaking his head at the comment. Choosing to ignore the request, however.

  
"Finally found you. This place isn't as easy to find as I was led to believe. Good thing too, looks like I showed up just in time." he said.

  
"You were looking for her?" Solas asked.

  
"Of course I was. It's my job. I see you haven't changed, still short as ever." He teased.

  
This seemed to bother her, as she drew both hands back to her hips, her expression irritated.

  
"I'm not short, and I don't know who you are!" she hissed.

  
He seemed a little disappointed to hear her say that, but it wasn't a look of surprise. She gathered he was, at least somewhat aware of her situation.

  
"Ahh.. so it's true, you really have forgotten everything, haven't you.." he sighed.

  
She nodded slightly, picking at her gloves again. Strangely, she felt bad about it, he seemed important, but she couldn't place why.

  
"A name is a fine place to start." Solas suggested.

  
"Shatter. Well.. Mio. I'm her brother. Half-brother, I guess.." he tried to explain.

  
As if trying to refresh her memory, he turned around then, moving his hair to the side. Between his shoulders, he bore a three-pointed scar, similar to those at the top of the staff she had been using. She shook her head, indicating she didn't remember.

  
"Wow.. well.. I'm sure it'll come back. " He sighed.

  
Solas raised an eyebrow.

  
"How did you get that scar?" he asked.

  
He was sure he knew, it seemed obvious, but he wanted to know the story.

  
"Why do you think I warned you? I was stabbed. Though, to be fair, she fixed me up when she finally calmed down. Three days later." he told him.

  
Solas decided immediately on a less threatening method.

  
"Does she actually know any offensive spells?" he asked.

  
"She does indeed. Used to be pretty good at it, unfortunately, she's strongest when she's mad, but.. well, as I mentioned, she doesn't calm down easily. You know what they say, bad girl, good boy." he offered.

  
"What on earth does that mean? Who even says that?" she grumbled.

  
He poked her nose, grinning a little.

  
"I say that. Someday, you'll remember." he laughed.

  
Solas was deep in thought, picking the staff back up and handing it to him.

  
"Follow me, I think our spymaster might like to speak with you." he told him.

  
Mio nodded, taking it from him.

  
"Oh, do you think I'll be interrogated? My favorite." he said.

  
Following him inside, Solas turned back at the door.

  
"Looks like you're getting a break after all." He told her.

  
She raised her arms and shook them slightly, unenthusiastically.

  
"Yay!" she said sarcastically.

  
When they were out of view, she was quick to sneak off. Now that she was free, it was a question of what to do. Before she could make a decision, she bumped into Dorian, physically. He pointed across the yard.

  
"Sorry.." she said, backing up.

  
"You know, for someone as high up the chain as you are, you apologize far too much." He chided.

  
"Sor..I'll work on it.." she said.

  
"He tries too hard." He stated.

  
"Excuse me?" she asked.

  
Dorian realized she looked distracted, and probably didn't understand what he was talking about. Grabbing her wrist, he pulled her along with him, into the tavern, plunking her down at the counter before taking a seat next to her. Cabot glanced up, bringing out two bottles then at Dorian's signal. The mage slid one in front of her.

  
"Drink, I'll explain after." He ordered.

  
Mana found the situation strange, but did as she was told. Taking a cautious sip, her face immediately twisted in disgust. It was strong, but horrible tasting. He laughed at her reaction, indicating that she should keep going anyway. Shaking it off, she kept forcing herself to suffer through it.

  
"So.. ugh.. what were you saying?" she asked.

  
He took a drink, before turning to face her.

  
"Solas. He's trying too hard. He seems to think that if he pushes you far enough out of your comfort zone, you'll suddenly figure it out. I know better. You need to relax." He explained.

  
She lifted the bottle, staring at it for a moment before taking another sip.

  
"And this is the solution?" she questioned.

  
He said nothing at first, only nodded.

  
"It might help. It certainly can't hurt. You always look so serious, if nothing else, you might actually crack a smile." He joked.

  
She rolled her eyes a bit, tipping it back and setting the empty bottle on the counter. Before she could do anything, he had another ordered and had it in front of her. The torment was to continue, she guessed. Taking it, she wrinkled her nose before drinking.

  
"I smile plenty.." she defended.

  
"Oh, sure. When you're around our dear Commander. That hardly counts." He told her.

  
At this, her cheeks turned a light pink and she looked away, rolling the bottle side to side slowly.

  
"I.. I didn't realize it was quite so obvious." she mumbled.

  
"Like an open book. For children. With pictures and everything! Strange though, isn't he just replacing one addiction with another?" he mused.

  
"I don't think I understand.." she admitted.

  
He shook his head, finishing his drink, reaching for the next. Dorian watched her for a moment, as if making sure she kept drinking during the pauses in conversation.

  
"It doesn't matter, we're talking about you. Give it a bit more, and we'll be ready." He instructed.

  
She lofted her brows in confusion. Not sure what they would be 'ready' for. She groaned slightly as she drank. The bitter aftertaste was the worst part, but she had to admit, she was feeling it already. Mana had to admit, if only to herself, this was relaxing. He finished his second drink before her, tapping his fingers on the counter while he waited on her. She hurried to drink the last of it, watching him slide a few coins across the bar.

  
"Stand up, let's see what the situation is.." he told her.

  
Mana stood as she was directed, swaying slightly. He seemed to approve of this, striding out the door, indicating she should follow him. Interestingly, he led her out the gate, some distance away from the castle. She had no idea what was going on, but if it meant she didn't have to be bothered by others for a bit, it was welcome. After a short time, Dorian stopped finally, turning back to face her.

  
"I think this should be better for you. I'm not fool enough to think making a grab for your ass will do anything to get past this block. As nice of an ass as it might be." He said.

  
"I'm.. utterly lost, what are we doing?" She asked.

  
Dorian reached to his back, grabbing his staff, a trail of fire leading right to her. She quickly stepped to the side, almost losing her balance in the process.

  
"Did you just.. attack me?" she asked in disbelief.

  
"I did, what are you going to do about it?" he pressed.

  
She reached to her back, remembering that they had taken her staff earlier. Supposedly, mages didn't actually need them, though. Raising her hands as if to stop him somehow, she surprised even herself then. Without meaning to, she sent a blast of fire hurling towards him. While he deflected it easily, she was pleased that she had managed it at all. Dorian put up a barrier then, watching her for a moment.

  
"Good start, let's see if you can keep doing it." He told her.

  
Mana rolled her shoulders slightly, raising her hands again. Focusing as best as she could with her mind as fuzzy as it was, she decided to try her luck with other elements. She could see her breath in frozen clouds, her fingertips getting cold. With some effort, a blast of ice struck the barrier, dissolving on contact. Growing confident, she alternated easily between fire and ice, proud of what she was accomplishing.

  
"Fire and ice are fine places to start. Try something else, maybe lightning?" He said.

  
She nodded, pulling her hands back slightly. Mana could clearly picture a storm, however, that familiar block was there, holding her back. Something about it that seemed too hard for her.

  
"I can't.. or.. won't, I'm not sure, but there's a thing.." she tried to tell him.

  
"That's alright. It's likely too soon to expect complete control. You've done well enough. Shall we head back?" He asked her.

  
Sighing in frustration, she nodded again, turning in the direction they had come from.

  
"Well, if you're not ready to retire for the night, we could do something fun. Maybe we should annoy the Bull." He suggested.

  
Mana laughed, rubbing her hands together then.

  
"Let's do that. I have a few ideas.." she cackled deviously.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mio might prove more useful than expected. Mana is also a seasoned prankster, she's just forgotten that too.
> 
> Edit: The next chapter is going to get steamy. You've been warned.


	6. Overdose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When there's no work to do, it's time to play.

Chapter 6: Overdose

  
In the short time since Mio had arrived, progress had been made towards the search for information. Granted, she still had nothing solid to go on, they had narrowed down previously large areas into small, manageable sections. Thanks to his presence, she was finally given that day off she had so desperately wanted.

  
She already had a bath, and she had found a comfortable looking long shirt. Dressed for her day off, she found a book in the shelves, laying down to read. She couldn't remember the last time she actually had a chance to read for fun. Mana idly twisted her necklace between her fingers in between pages, slightly distracted, even as she tried to focus on the story. Frowning a little, she flipped onto her stomach, bunching up the pillows as she struggled to lose herself in the book. Nothing seemed to help, finally giving up, she got up to put it away.

  
Pacing slowly around the room trying to think of something else to do, her eyes flitting over everything. Going to find someone to talk to was an option, but she didn't want to leave. Stopping in front of the balcony doors, staring as far into the distance as she could see through the window. Pretty, but it was warmer inside, and she didn't want to freeze just to enjoy a little fresh air. Funny, now that she had the day off, she had no idea what to do with it. Mana heard a quiet knock on the door, hearing it open and close then.

  
Turning her attention, a figure came up the steps, though she couldn't tell who right away. A moment later, Cullen came up the steps. Glancing up, he threw his arms in the air when he saw her.

  
"Maker, why is it every time I come in here, you're never dressed?" he asked.

  
"Pants are overrated. What did you need?" she answered.

  
He rubbed his forehead as if he had a headache, looking at the wall.

  
"I have a report from Leliana, for whenever you had time.." he told her.

  
She took the papers, setting them on her desk. He turned to leave, but she grabbed his arm gently. Cullen froze, head turning a little, though he either wouldn't or couldn't bring himself to look at her.

  
"Stay, keep me company. We can talk, or play a game.." she said.

  
"Well.. I don't have anything else for the day, I guess I could.." he stated.

  
"You don't want to?" she questioned.

  
It occurred to him he had sounded entirely unwilling, and that wasn't the case. He quickly denied it, looking around for a place to sit. Settling on the couch, she grabbed the chair from behind the desk, turning it and sitting down. Resting her arms on the back, she laid her head down for a moment. Cullen cleared his throat slightly, refusing once more to look at her as she sat in front of him.

  
"I have no problem with staying.. just that.. it's difficult to pay attention sometimes." he told her.

  
The meaning lost on her, she figured he meant it was hard to focus with work on his mind.

  
"I know, I've been distracted all day too.." she breathed.

  
The look on his face was hard to read, one she hadn't seen before. Saying nothing, his eyes openly travelling down her body for a moment, standing up after a moment. Going back down the stairs, she stood as well, curious as to why he might leave so suddenly. When he disappeared from view, the sound of metal scraping metal was heard for the briefest second. Cullen came back up shortly after, approaching her slowly. Standing right in front of her, he brought a hand to her waist, his eyes fixed on hers. It took her a moment to realize she was moving.

  
When the back of her legs met the edge of the bed, he eased her down slowly, not looking away. Her face a slight pink when he stretched over her, kissing her suddenly. Mana closed her eyes, running her fingers through his hair. It was short lived as he pulled away, exhaling as he did, the sound barely hiding what sounded like irritation.

  
"Are you alright?" she asked him.

  
"No.. not really." he said.

  
"What's on your mind?" she asked again.

  
A lot, judging by the serious look on his face. Strange, since he usually looked less stressed around her. Perhaps he was just overburdened by work. Again, he couldn't seem to look at her, she had to wonder if she had done something without realizing.

  
"You.. always you. I can't get you out of my mind." he admitted with difficulty.

  
"Is it such a bad thing? Does it bother you?" she asked curiously.

  
He shook his head slightly, finally looking at her. She couldn't identify the look on his face still, it was different, but an unusual mix of several things together. At least to her, it seemed that way.

  
"It's not bad, no.. In a sense, it does bother me, but likely not in the way you think." he sighed.

  
"What's the problem then?" she inquired.

  
"I.. can't imagine being away from you. Ever." he said, almost guiltily.

  
"That's a problem to you?" Mana dug.

  
"Not by itself. It might be, if you don't feel it too.." he answered.

  
Mana pulled him back down, kissing him again. She reached for his hand, placing it on her chest. Just under his fingertips, he could feel the steady thumping of her heart. Without having to say anything, he understood what she meant by it, feeling the way her tongue slipped against his. Unable to think like this, he moved his hand away, hesitating before going under her shirt. Her skin was warm, and it surprised him to find nothing in the way. His touch slowly moved up her back, then around the front at the bottom of her ribs, continuing upward until he stopped, just under her breast. It was uncertain, at least to her, if he stopped out of shyness, or if he was waiting for her approval.

  
Mana reached for his other hand, directing it under her shirt as well. Embarassed though she was, it was her way of telling him it was okay. He was careful, as if afraid he might hurt her if he wasn't gentle, surprising, but pleasant. Cullen pulled away slowly, lifting the shirt away from her. His face flushed as he looked over her for a few moments, moving off the bed to undress, staring at the floor as he did. Finding herself unable to look away from him, she breathed in slowly when he returned to her side. He grasped the edges of her panties, pulling them off with some amount of nervousness.

  
The delicate way he was treating her caused something to click, she bit her lip, thinking about it briefly. Deciding not to ask about it for the time being. He moved towards her again, this time stopping at her neck, shivering involuntarily when she felt his lips touch her. Mana felt her breath catch in her throat as he bit down firmly, the sensation not painful, but more insistent than he had been with her so far. His touch had been wandering down her body, like he was trying to memorize every inch, stopping at her thighs. The hesitation had returned, lingering for a short time before he easily pushed her legs apart.

  
It almost seemed like he was continually waiting for a sign that she didn't want to keep going, she didn't know if it was more for her benefit or his. Cullen broke away from her, looking into her eyes in silence, moving between her legs. Even without her saying it, it was obvious she was nervous, perhaps because he was too. Mana drew her knees up slightly, closing her eyes in mental preparation, her hands resting on his shoulders. She seemed to have anticipated having a little longer to wait, gasping in surprise when she felt him press into her. Inhaling sharply as her nails dug into his shoulders, he held still, both to give her a chance to get used to it, and for himself.

  
When he moved against her, she wrapped her legs around his waist, blushing deep red. Mana could feel his warm breath on her neck and ear, biting her lip to keep quiet. his hands went to her breasts, massaging them firmly as he pressed deeper inside her, hearing her panting, spurring him on, he ground against her roughly, perhaps more roughly than he had intended to, though she didn't complain, instead trying to match his movements as best as she was able. Supporting himself on one arm, he brought the other around to her back, keeping her as close to him as he could manage. It was different from what he imagined it might feel like, better by a lot. Groaning slightly, he leaned in, kissing her again, slipping his tongue past her lips, wanting more of her.

  
Cullen noticed the way she scraped at the sheets, watching her with interest as she writhed underneath him. He gripped her tighter, pulling her down faster, his lips colliding with hers in an effort to quiet himself, his breathing loud and heavy. Mana moaned, though the sound was swallowed, vibrations passing between them. Arching up, she reached for him again, holding onto him almost desperately. Visibly shaking, his body pinning hers to the bed, almost mezmerized by the way she looked as she gave in. He was fairly certain that had he not been holding her up, she might have collapsed. Despite this, he didn't slow down, finding it a little easier now.

  
That she had completely lost all sense of time was unusual to her, it felt like an eternity compressed in a single moment, an entirely new feeling. Suddenly aware of his quickening breath, and the way his blunt nails dug into her side, mildly painful but exciting in a sense. He broke the kiss, burying himself in her neck, the sounds sending a shock down her spine. She could feel it, holding back suddenly, heat spreading through her. Cullen sighed quietly, laying his head on her chest for a few moments, listening to the sound of her heart while he relaxed.

  
Glancing over, she noticed one of the curtains dropped, singed along the bottoms. Mana didn't want to bring attention to it, a bit embarrassed by it, not even certain when she had lost control. Distracting herself, she brushed her fingertips through his hair in silence, unsure what to say. After some time, she finally said something, a little troubled. 

"I told you I didn't mean for this to happen so quickly.." she murmured.

  
He didn't move, rubbing her shoulder comfortingly.

  
"You said when I was sure. Shouldn't this tell you what you needed to know?" he replied quietly.

  
Thinking about it for a moment, she realized what he was saying. She felt nervous, and she couldn't say why, only sure that it wasn't a bad kind of feeling. Closing her eyes once more, taking a second to enjoy how suddenly soft her pillows felt.

  
"Are you sure that's okay?" she asked him.

  
"Of course.. I'm.. a little embarrassed to admit, I've never done this before. I wanted it to be with you.." he confessed guiltily.

  
Mana whispered something to him, feeling him move to her side, holding her loosely around the waist as he did.

  
"What does that mean?" he asked curiously.

  
Her face turned bright red, as if she was too shy to tell him, burying her face in the pillow before she finally told him.

  
"It.. means 'I love you'.." she mumbled.

  
Cullen smiled a little when he heard that, nipping her ear lightly.

  
"I love you too.." he affirmed.

  
She heard a noise, like someone was at the door, trying to open it. Glad for the lock, she started to get up, but he held her back, grinning then.

  
"It's your day off, let's just ignore it. Whatever it is, it'll keep.." he told her.

  
She pondered the idea for a moment, lazily settling into his embrace.

  
"Good idea.." she sighed.

  
He heard her say something else, laughing in response. Turning to face him, biting her lip as he pulled her close again.

  
"So I see, your wish is my command.." he whispered.

  
Sparing a glance out the window, the sun still high. Unable to stop smiling as she tugged him down with her once more, her arms folding around his neck.

  
"Isn't that supposed to be my line?" she teased. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and events are inspired by the song Overdose (EXO).


	7. Memorize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip by the sea could prove fatal if Mana can't overcome the challenge before her. Mio says it will help her recover a memory. Or get everyone killed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things got weird. Not sure why.

Chapter 7: Memorize

  
Mana left her room with a yawn. She slept in, which would have been strange had the door not stayed locked. It was louder than normal, more people engaged in conversation. She circled back, walking past the door she had meant to go through, stopping in Josephine's office for an update. Glancing over, she noticed Mio in the room, arms folded as though he were actually expecting her. Her eyes darting between the two, as if unsure who to focus on. He nodded towards Josephine in an attempt to help her out. She shifted back and forth in place while she stood there.

  
"Alright, Josephine, what's the plan for the day?" she asked.

  
Before she had a chance to answer, she heard muffled laughter behind her. Groaning with irritation, she tipped her head to the side, glaring at him.

  
"What?" she grumbled.

  
He shook his head, though she didn't let him off the hook.

  
"Oh, nothing. Just seems like you're having trouble staying still this morning. A bit sore, maybe?" He snickered.

  
If looks could kill, or at the very least, if she remembered how, he would most definitely be dead. Clearing her throat, she turned back again. The ambassador leaned to the side slightly, watching him like she was waiting for him to stop before speaking. He raised his hands, quieting down as if to tell them he would be silent. She sat upright, composing herself before she shuffled through the papers on her desk.

  
"Yes, well, with your brother's help, we were able to find something that could be important. It requires a bit of travel on your part, but we are assured it should be worthwhile. " She informed.

  
Gesturing back to Mio again, Mana turned to face him. He had this big, stupid grin on his face, despite keeping his word to be quiet. It was annoying, like he was making fun of her with his eyes.

  
"Alright. Give it to me then." She sighed.

  
He burst out laughing again, and she raised her eyebrow, her hand moving to rest on her hip. Mana never seemed very threatening to him, but in that one moment, she looked completely dangerous. Her free hand rubbed her forehead as if telling him to get it out of his system so she could get to work.

  
"Give it to me? Is that what you told him too?" he snorted.

  
It appeared to just hit her what he had been implying, her face a deep red. She seemed horrified, looking away from him immediately.

  
"Okay, Okay.. in all seriousness, there's a place not far to the east. Should have some answers for you. I'm almost completely sure if we go there, you'll remember something." He told her.

  
"We?" She asked simply.

  
"Yes, 'we'. You don't remember why, but it's vital I go with you. If anyone else comes with, I'd highly recommend they can run fast, don't tire easily and know what 'stand back' means." he explained.

  
Shrugging a little, what he said meant little to her.

  
"Same team as last time, I suppose. Guess they'd probably want to look into this personally." She offered.

  
Mio stood up then, going for the door. He paused in the doorway, his attention on her for a moment.

  
"I'll make myself useful. You'll have enough to deal with when we get there. You should go wait by the gate." He warned her.

  
He had a way of speaking to her that was borderline irritating at times. Following behind him, she turned in the opposite direction. Mana took a seat by the gates, resting her head in her hands while she waited. After what felt like forever, Mio came back with the others and they loaded in. With an extra body, there were too few seats. They argued back and forth over who would have to sit where for a time. After much teasing, Mana finally asserted her authority in the situation.

  
"This is getting ridiculous. I'm supposed to be the one in charge, am I not? Cassandra, I _really_ hate to do this to you, but I have to stick you with him." She apolgized.

  
Cassandra stared him down, sitting on his lap, her hand resting on the hilt of her sword.

  
"Get even one idea, and I'll end you.." she threatened.

  
"Might be too late, I've already got several." He joked.

  
Mana got in last, closing the door behind her. The space was small, so she pulled her knees to her chest, laying her arms over them and resting her head for a bit. For awhile, things were silent, and it was blissful. Trying to lose herself in the view outside her window, the quiet abruptly breaking was jarring to her. Not bothering to seek out the sound, she closed her eyes, as if emphasizing a point.

  
"So.. now that I think about it, why couldn't you sit on someone else's lap?" Mio asked her.

  
"Are you unhappy with the seating arrangements?" She questioned.

  
"No, I'm perfectly content. I just thought you might find the trip more interesting if they were different." He stated.

  
Finally opening her eyes, she sighed, choosing to ignore the obvious. She turned her attention to Cullen for a moment.

  
"You're absolutely right, they could stand to be different. Would you mind if I borrowed your lap?" She asked pleasantly.

  
As if understanding her meaning, Cullen smiled good-naturedly, nodding.

  
"Of course, Inquisitor. Whatever makes this trip more bearable for you." He replied.

  
Mana turned slightly, draping her legs over his lap, directing an almost sarcastic glare towards her brother then.

  
"That's.. what I meant." he sighed, defeated.

  
She closed her eyes again, folding her arms across her stomach, it could have easily been assumed that the elf was peacefully asleep if she hadn't spoke again.

  
"You never told me what this trip is for. Vague hints aren't the most comforting." She said.

  
"She has a point, it would be nice to know whatever you can share." Solas chimed in.

  
Mio seemed to be struggling to figure out where to set his hands, an impossible task without angering Cassandra. It was hilarious to watch him fidget, almost settling on something before quickly thinking better about it. He narrowed his eyes as he stared as Mana, knowing she had planned it on purpose.

  
"Well, I didn't want to say it. You might have been against it if I told you everything." He said casually.

  
"I'm not going to like this, am I?" She breathed.

  
"I don't know. If you're still the same, you may actually love it." He told her, sounding nervous.

  
"Could you be a little more specific, please?" She requested.

  
Mio finally tucked his arms behind his head, a victorious look plastered on his face.

  
"I'm taking you somewhere. I can help you find a piece of yourself. This will either go smoothly.. or.. you'll kill us all." He explained, fidgeting a little.

  
Mana looked around. No one seemed surprised by that news but her. It hit her then that he must have already told them that much. She shook her head, twisting her upper body slightly, reaching for the door.

  
"No. Absolutely not, I don't want any part of this..." she said.

  
Mio waved his hand and she sat back involuntarily. Alarmed by this, she looked at him carefully. He hadn't physically touched her, but she was definitely moved.

  
"We're moving. Sit still and calm down.." he instructed.

  
It was unsettling, but on his word, she put her head back once again. Once again resting easily as though nothing had happened. A long time later, the carriage pulled to a stop and everyone filed out. Mana still seemed confused, but she got out, looking around. Nothing about the location struck her as familiar. It was raining, cold, and her skin immediately covered in goosebumps. Mio covered her eyes with his hands, speaking quietly then.

  
"Looking here won't help you. Use your other senses.." he told her.

  
Slowly pulling his hands away, she kept her eyes closed, taking a few cautious steps. The idea seemed beyond stupid to her, until a sound in the distance made her stand up straight. She couldn't place it, but she moved towards it, stumbling a little as she did. The smell was familiar, a faint earthy smell that she recognized immediately. Flashes in her mind again, this time clearer. Her feet encountered unstable ground, and she knelt down slightly, reaching her hands out. Cold water, the sound she had heard was louder here. It was the sound of waves. Though she couldn't frame the memories in any meaningful way, she could recall stepping off a ship, the smell of dirt strong from a fresh rain.  
A little more thought, and she realized she had crossed the sea to get here, recalling a long, exhausting trip to the temple. Something definitely different about her though, but she couldn't pinpoint what it was. Turning around then, she finally opened her eyes, her attention to her brother then.

  
"You weren't with me.." she said.

  
"No.. I came on my own, after. Your trail was gone by then. The Keeper told me you volunteered and left without word to anyone else." He said.

  
"I.. volunteered for this?" she seemed in disbelief.

  
The whole thing had felt forced, like something she wanted nothing to do with. To find out she came over willingly was strange. What really didn't make sense was what he said earlier, how could remembering that small detail kill anyone? Before she had time to overthink it, he pointed up towards the sky, his expression no different from bird watching, though his voice was quiet, a touch of urgency was buried in it.

  
"Here it comes.. Let's hope you figure out what to do quickly.." He said

  
Her attention turned to the sky, and her stomach dropped instantly. A high dragon descending right towards them. It finally made sense. It was, in a way, her that could either get them killed or save them. He expected her to fight it.

  
"Catch!" He shouted.

  
Glancing over quickly, he tossed her staff and a small vial to her. It was fast..faster than she could have imagined. She had seen plenty of dragons in their travels, but never engaged one that she remembered. Opening the vial, she sniffed it curiously. The smell was a little nauseating, but not unbearable. Closing it again, she put it in her pocket, unsure what to do with it. The ground shook violently when the dragon landed, looking larger than life, it looked hungry. Mio waved the others back, keeping distance with them, turning to face her, he grinned.

  
"Good luck sis.." he called.

  
She had thought they would be helping for something like this, realizing he meant for her to fight it alone.

  
'This is how I die? Could be worse..' she thought.

  
Looking at her staff for a moment, she gripped it with both hands then. This was a different stance for her, but it seemed right somehow. From a distance, it looked like she was poking it, possibly annoying it. The only way they could tell it was even taking damage was the blood washing down its neck and chest. It dipped its head down, jaws open as it rushed towards her. She flinched, closing her eyes, her hands moving forward. Hearing a loud squishing thump, she opened one eye to look, a giant tongue on the ground next to her. The shadow of the dragon swayed dangerously, and Mana realized it was crashing down. Moving out of the way when it hit, still coming towards her. Glancing to the side, she noticed the gemstone glowing slightly, the dragon's head halting suddenly. The glowing stopped as soon as it started, striding close to it, she kicked at it lightly. Nothing happened, but she hesitated, hearing its loud, rumbling breath.

  
"It's sleeping, I think. What am I supposed to do now?" she called back.

 

"Killing it is good. You should definitely do that!" He yelled back.

  
That was helpful. Why couldn't the damned thing bleed to death? She paced slowly back and forth, trying to hide the fact that she didn't know what she was supposed to do. Was there something special she was supposed to do? If there was, she didn't know what it was. Not having any idea how long it might be out of it, she knew she had to act quickly. Stab? That was an idea, stabbing was usually effective. Circling around towards the dragon's chest, pointing the sharpest end. Mana's initial strike deflected off the scales easily. Too gentle, she pulled back, putting as much effort into it as she could manage. Again deflected, she took a step back. Under each scale was a slight gap, so a minor adjustment in the angle of attack, it would slip between the plates easily. Taking a deep breath, she rammed herself toward it full force, wedged perfectly into one of the spaces, she winced as it went through.

  
The whole creature flailed about for a few short minutes before it stopped completely. Something about the way it felt when the blade pierced through felt disturbing and unpleasant. The group slowly approached on cue. Mio halted them a few feet away, though he crept closer. He just barely touched her shoulder, turning her to face him. It was as if he was concerned she'd attack him, relieved when he saw her expression.

  
"Looks like we're safe after all." He muttered, as if to himself.

  
She pushed him then, looking somewhere between hurt and upset, turning away from him.

  
"So you throw me into all this without any hints, by myself. I could have died! Is that the kind of person you are?" she spat.

  
"I didn't tell you because you wouldn't have tried if I had. I thought it might trigger something, I guess I was wrong." He admitted.

  
Turning towards the body on the ground, she knelt beside it for a few moments, nothing immediately jumped out at her as being familiar. When Mana thought about it a little more, she closed her eyes. She recognized the smell, dragon's blood smelled a certain way that she couldn't explain, except by saying 'wet, rusted iron'. It was an incomplete mental picture for her. A faded memory of a forest, and a dragon. It was dead, though she couldn't recall why.

  
"So this has happened before, in a way?" she asked.

  
"You could say that..." he trailed off.

  
There was something he wasn't saying about the situation, when combined with the look on his face after making her think that it had to do with her. Doubtful that he would outright tell her if he went through all this trouble. Something about that long since passed situation in the past had him concerned about the present. That feeling was odd, as though he both wanted her to remember it while hoping she didn't. The look on her face turned icy, turning to walk away. Pausing midstep, she spoke.

  
"I've.. done bad things, haven't I?" she asked softly.

  
"A lot of bad things have happened to you.." he replied.

  
"That doesn't answer my question.." she said.

  
"It depends on how you see it. Is harm done for a good reason still wrong? You may have done bad things, but they're only bad if you ignore the reasons why." He told her.

  
"I see. You're not going to elaborate, I suppose?" she pushed.

  
Mio shook his head slowly, pointing towards the carriage.

  
"I won't. If you're meant to remember those things, you will. On your own. Take a rest, I don't nee..want you getting too worked up." He said, his tone leaving no room to argue.

  
Mana wrinkled her nose in disgust, she hated being told what to do. Standing up straight, she waved a hand over her shoulder then.

  
"Then you get to dig through for useable bits. We have researchers back at Skyhold who would definitely be interested in whatever can be salvaged. " she ordered.

  
He bowed to her, smirking deviously as he did.

  
"As you say, Your Worship." He said.

  
She cringed visibly when he said it. He had seen the way she had reacted to being called that very thing before, knew she found it uncomfortable. More importantly, he knew that she wouldn't do anything about it except make that face. She quickened her steps, almost leaping inside and slamming the door behind her. He laughed then, but did as he was told, digging through the carcass.

  
The door opened and Cullen got in, taking advantage of the empty seats to stretch out on the other side. He looked out the window for a moment. His expression was serious, though she could see he was actually struggling to remain composed.

  
"Did you actually want leftover dragon bits for the researcher, or are you just tormenting the poor boy?" he asked, snorting slightly.

  
She draped her leg over her lap, leaning back.

  
"I'm enjoying the view. What do you call it when you think you're supposed to love someone but they actually irritate you?" She commented.

  
He looked at her for a moment, brushing a hand through his hair.

  
"I think they call that family." He said offhandedly.

  
Sitting up quickly when he saw Solas approaching. He stepped in after a moment, taking a seat next to her.

  
"Guessing there's more to why you have him up to his elbows in dragon entrails?" he asked calmly.

  
Mana laughed, almost evilly, nodding with no small amount of pride.

  
"There is. Payback." She answered.

  
His expression was almost playful when she said that.

  
"Is that so? We should discuss that sometime. I'm sure I can come up with a few ideas you may actually enjoy." He told her.

  
His attention was focused out the window as well, watching with mild fascination. Mio glanced back, noticing the three of them staring at him. He shook his head, turning back to the task he was given. The look on his face said everything, wondering why he had actually agreed to this. It wasn't as though he was an actual member of the Inquisition, why should he be stuck with grunt work. Cassandra was the next to join them, sitting on Mana's other side. She too, watched with interest, surprising, to say the least.

  
"Inquisitor, you do realize I'm not sitting on his lap on the way back. That beast smelled foul, I want no part of it." She said bluntly.

  
Mana laughed again, momentarily shifting her attention.

  
"That beast? I hadn't noticed he smelled all that bad." She joked.

  
The glare she got was more humorous to her than scary.

  
"I _meant_ the dragon." She hissed.

  
Mana gestured to her other side, grinning.

  
"Would you rather sit on his lap?" she offered.

  
"I get the feeling he would prefer having _you_ sit there." Cassandra shot back.

  
Saying nothing to this, Mana noticed the sudden shift in expression on Cullen's face. She cursed her lack of ability to read people. Was it..jealousy? Ignoring it for the moment, she turned back with interest. The man had no obvious pockets, yet he seemed to be holding a dagger, and everyone was clearly fascinated by this.

  
"Where was he hiding that?" Cassandra asked to no one in particular.

  
"I can think of a few places." Solas answered, chuckling slightly.

  
"Oh for.. well.. I suppose it _could_ be possible.." Cullen sighed wearily.

  
Mana shook her head furiously, as if trying to dislodge a sudden, disturbing mental image.

  
"I definitely don't want to think about that." She grumbled.

  
After some time, Leliana came back, though she said nothing, and seemed utterly disinterested in the spectacle. As though it were a common sight that no longer held any fascination for her. Mio finally came over to the carriage, kicking open a box at the back, dropping in an armful of assorted bits. He repeated this a few times, before grabbing the skull, climbing up to the top and securing it. Jumping down, he opened the door, glaring at her. His gloves were sticking out of his waist band, and he was covered in a mystery mixture of dripping unpleasantness.

  
"Move!" He barked grumpily.

  
Everyone slid over as best as they could. Mana took one look at Solas, before crossing seats and gingerly settling down on Cullen's lap instead. The smell already permeating the small cabin, the group decided on giving him as much room as possible. Leliana sighed, pulling Cassandra back with her, Solas taking the now open seat on the other side so Mio and his mess could have a whole seat to himself. He didn't seem to mind this in the least, stretching out easily. Mana frowned slightly, staring at the windows for a moment. Reaching across, she held a hand up, punching through the glass cautiously, so it wouldn't drop inside.

  
"Thank the Maker, fresh air.." Cassandra grunted irritably.

  
Everyone seemed to sigh, almost as a group. This was going to be one long return trip.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pssh. Probably a level 10 high dragon. Hardly anything worthy of applause. Poor Solas.


	8. The Stolen Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mana convinces Mio to open up about her past. Cullen convinces her to take the rest of the day off...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still much tamer than my first draft..

Chapter 8: The Stolen Moment

  
Mana sat across the small table, glancing around suspiciously. Her brother had requested she spend a little time with him, and she was expecting retribution. For this reason, she kept her back to the wall.

  
"I'm not planning anything. I just wanted to talk." he said.

  
She still refused to let her guard down.

  
"What did you want to talk about?" She asked.

  
He leaned closer, as if he didn't want other people to hear. This was a packed tavern, if he was worried about people hearing, why not go somewhere else?

  
"I'd like to talk about you." he told her.

  
"I assumed as much, what about me?" She questioned.

  
"I just want to know if you're actually happy here. You spend so much of your time looking like you want to strangle someone." He sighed.

  
Did she really seem that way? It was no wonder why people sometimes made sure to give her extra space when she walked by.

  
"I'm very happy.. I've made friends, and.. " she stopped, her voice quiet.

  
"And.. you met someone.. yes, I know. Everyone knows." He teased.

  
"That too.. " she said.

  
Her focus shifted to her hands, but this time, he reached to grab them. He seemed to want her to feel at ease around him, and the distraction did nothing to help with that.

  
"I almost feel sorry for that bald guy." he laughed.

  
"Bald guy? Oh, Solas. Why do you feel sorry for him?" She asked.

  
His eyes widening, presumably in surprise, he shook his head slowly.

  
"You never used to be this dense. He likes you. A lot. You can just tell by looking you've never given him the time of day, have you?" he asked.

  
"Why would I? I think you must be mistaken. We're talking about the same person, right? Grumpy, dresses like he's ready for a month of camping?" She said, the disbelief obvious.

  
He laughed at the description. He hated to admit it, but she was right. He did look like rather shabbily dressed.

  
"You really can't see it? Preoccupied with a certain someone, I imagine." He joked.

  
Her face turned a bright red, and she tried to pull her hands away to hide from him. Mio wasn't about to let her.

  
"I'll admit you're more adorable this way. It suits you." he stated.

  
"You keep saying things like that, but you won't tell me how I was before. Was I so bad that you can't bring yourself to tell me anything?" she lamented.

  
He sighed, as if debating whether or not he should tell her. Standing up then, he waved her with, though he stopped.

  
"Your room, I imagine you feel safest there, right? Lead the way.." he told her.

  
Mana wrung her hands nervously the entire way. She had a million thoughts in her mind, all of them scenarios about what he might tell her that should be so private. She pointed to the door, going to her desk to sit. Mio closed it as he came in, taking a seat on the couch and stretching out. He turned his attention to the ceiling, wondering where to begin. She sprung a question on him almost immediately, one that he could answer. She pointed to her face, drawing an invisible circle around it with her fingertip.

  
"Tell me about this. What do you know about it. I know what it is, and I want to know why I have it.." she pushed.

  
He looked at her face for a moment, his eyes almost sad, turning away as though he pitied her.

  
"You know what they are. You didn't get it from our Keeper. It was.. meant as a form of punishment. Do you remember much about him?" he asked.

  
"Yes, I remember that much, Fen'Harel. I remember the looks I got, how almost every elf I've met in my travels here has avoided me like I was sick.." she complained.

  
"Do you remember what you did?" he asked as delicately as he could.

  
"I.. no.. I can guess it must have been something horrible though..." she sighed.

  
"What I said before, about harm done for the right reasons?..If I tell you this, you need to keep that in your mind.." he warned.

  
Mana busied herself with the things on her desk, in a vague attempt to prepare to hear something awful.

  
"Tell me.. I need to know.." she mumbled quietly.

  
"You killed some members of a different clan. They sacrificed a shem child for a blood magic ritual. I.. had been looking for you, but their Keeper found you first. All they saw was the ring of corpses and you covered in blood. I convinced him not to kill you, but  he  still wanted you to pay. That vallaslin was your punishment. He wanted people to see you as a betrayer of your own kind.." he said.

  
Looking up, she frowned a little, Cullen stood at the top of the stairs, no idea how long he was there, or what he might have heard. He seemed focused on her face, and she had to imagine he had been there for all of it.

  
"I can leave, I didn't mean to interrupt." he said.

  
Mana rested her head in her hands for a few moments before gesturing to the bed then.

  
"You may as well stay. You deserve to hear this too.." she breathed.

  
Cullen hesitated, but took a seat on the edge of the bed, looking between the two of them. It was surprising to him that the conversation picked right back up as if he hadn't interrupted a thing. Changing the subject, she cleared her throat, her tone a little less demanding.

  
"Do you know what happened after? The files I received said I was gone for a year.." she asked.

  
"I don't know much about that. I have no idea where you were, or what happened. I only know that when you came back, you were.. different. Angrier, bitter. You flinched at every look, every touch. No one could get near you. I asked about it many times, but you would never tell me anything. I can only say that the situation was unstable in the region, especially for mages. Shortly after you came back, the Keeper mentioned the Conclave, and you couldn't wait to leave. You were already gone by the time I found out." He explained.

  
"What exactly was your job, why was it so important you find her?" Cullen asked suddenly.

  
"I'm her brother, I do brother things, or rather, I did. Until she came back. I had other responsibilities based on my.... unusual abilities." He said generally.

  
"Specifics, Mio." She demanded then.

  
"You stopped caring. You wouldn't eat, hardly slept. It was my job to.. force you." he sighed.

  
"How do you physically force someone to sleep, or even care?" she questioned.

  
Mio sat up then, turning his focus completely on her then.

  
"It may be easier to show you.." he groaned.

  
He raised his hands slightly, lifting his right hand slightly. Mana stood up without meaning to. Mio moved his fingers slowly, and her arms came up and back down. Lowering his arms back to his sides, she sat down.

  
"Before, you stopped me..." she realized.

  
"I did. You still hate it as much as you did back then.. I can't control anyone else, something about us having the same blood, I guess. I was always needed before you came back, to counter your magic. That's where the name 'Shatter' came from. Put them together." He told her.

  
"Shatter.. Maya?" she asked curiously.

  
"No no no.. try the meaning, it becomes 'Shatter Illusion'. As in, shattering the illusions you created. It'll come back, or it won't. Personally, I hope for your sake, you never remember that." he sighed.

  
Mana put her head on the desk, obviously struggling to process the things he had said. The demand on her was already high before this, and Cullen worried it might be too much for her to handle. Mio shot him a grin, gesturing to her while she wasn't looking. Standing up then, he began to leave.

  
"You need a break. I'll get going." He told her.

  
"Wait, you don't have to leave.." she said, her voice muffled against the desk.

  
"Oh, it isn't because of you. I thought I'd see about finding some more personal company, if you understand my meaning.." he laughed.

  
She lifted her head then, her expression one of realization.

  
"You haven't changed at all, have you?" she groaned.

  
He stopped on the stairs, glancing back in surprise.

  
"Did you think of something?" he inquired.

  
"Yes, I thought of you. I seem to recall you telling me not to get in trouble so you could be alone.. What was her name though..." she mused.

  
"Does it matter? There were so many names. Never the same one twice." he laughed again.

  
Thinking about it for a moment, she quickly strode over to him, whispering something to him. He smiled a little at the question, shaking his head slowly.

  
"No, there was no one like that." Mio told her.

  
Leaning closer then, he whispered back to her, and her face turned a new shade of red. She bit her lip nervously, whispering something back to him.

  
"That tends to happen." he assured her.

  
Mio took his leave after, Mana glancing back at Cullen, her expression almost lost. Immediately directing her attention to her hands, picking at the loose threads once more. She had no idea what to do or say, no way of knowing what he might have thought about what he heard. Hearing a sound, she chose to ignore it, until she felt his breath against her ear, his arms reaching around her protectively. Sighing quietly, she leaned back against him then.

  
"I know what you're thinking. It changes nothing.." he assured her quietly.

  
"I'm glad..I..was really worried you might.." she began.

  
He cut her off with a kiss, brief, but calming. He pulled back slightly, lips pressed lightly against her ear as he spoke then.

  
"What you need is a break. I can make arrangements, let's go somewhere, just the two of us.." he suggested.

  
Mana closed her eyes, smiling then, her hands resting against his arms.

  
"I.. would like that.. It's been awhile since we managed to sneak away, hasn't it?" she murmured.

  
Cullen nodded, tilting his head in thought.

  
"It has, how long has it been, I can't even recall. Time just seems to blend together here.." he commented.

  
It was refreshing to know that she wasn't the only one who thought that. It had been many months since Haven, and even then, she had forgotten just how long it had been since she first arrived. Even as relaxed as she was at that moment, he could tell she was troubled still.

  
"Would you like it if I stayed with you tonight?" he asked then.

  
"That wouldn't bother you?" she questioned.

  
He laughed a little, shaking his head.

  
"No point in worrying about it, is there? Whether I stay or not, people will talk." he said.

  
"I suppose that's a good point.." she agreed.

  
Cullen seemed to be waiting for an actual answer, however. Mana turned in his arms then, her slim fingers grasping his sleeves loosely.

  
"I want you to stay.." she told him finally.

  
"Then I will. Guessing no pants again tonight?" he teased.

  
Blushing deeply, she hid her face against his chest. He was turning out to be a bit less serious than she had intially thought. It was nice, but that didn't make the things he said at times any less embarrassing to her.

  
"Well, I seem to recall the last time you were here, you didn't have any pants either. Or anything else." she shot back.

  
His expression turned shy at this, turning his focus to the floor then.

  
"You didn't complain at the time.." he mumbled.

  
Standing on her toes then, she stole a quick kiss, grinning when she broke away.

  
"Complaining would have meant I didn't enjoy it.." she purred.

  
He cleared his throat nervously, his hands venturing a bit lower after a moment.

  
"Do you plan on getting any sleep tonight?" he asked curiously.

  
She raised an eyebrow, shrugging a little.

  
"That depends on you, doesn't it? Did you want to sleep?" she pressed.

  
He looked into her eyes then, as if trying to read her thoughts. This was all new to him, and he wasn't quite sure how to tell if she was serious or joking at times.

  
"I'd rather pick up where we left off.." he whispered then.

  
Mana pulled away from him then, descending the stairs in record time, locking the door quickly. He seemed to be waiting for her at the top, lifting her easily and carrying her back to the bed, setting her down easily. Sparing a glance to the window, she noticed the sun was still bright outside, night was a long way off. Cullen directed her attention back to him, smiling slightly.

  
"Try not to lose control this time..." he teased.

  
He nodded towards the window slightly, and she realized he had noticed the curtains after all. Before she could reply, he silenced her with a kiss. Right to business, not that she minded that. If there was one thing she didn't like, it was being kept waiting...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: Mini-vacation, and something special..


	9. Silver Circles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mana and Cullen begin their vacation, revealing yet another secret. This time, it has nothing to do with her past, but her future.

Chapter 9: Silver Circles

  
Yet another long trip, though she didn't mind so much. Cullen had somehow managed to not only arrange for a few days off with just the two of them, but managed to get out with her before anyone actually had time to ask questions. Though it occurred to her that she hadn't even asked where they were going. Wherever they were, it was at least warm. To her, this was a vast improvement over the constant snow and cold.

  
"I guess I should have asked.. do you mind camping?" he asked.

  
Mana had to laugh at this, shrugging it off.

  
"Comm.. Cullen, you haven't forgotten that I'm Dalish? I may not remember much, but that's pretty much our thing.." she joked.

  
He rolled his eyes, not quite believing he had managed to forget that.

  
"That was a strange question, wasn't it?" he sighed.

  
She sheepishly kicked at the ground. It wasn't her intent to start their vacation off so poorly.

  
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like it sounded.. is there anything I can do to help?" she asked.

  
He looked around for a moment, shaking his head then.

  
"At the moment, there's not much to be done. Maybe later tonight there will be more to do.." he observed.

  
Mana tilted her head a little, her attention focused on him for a moment.

  
"Are you sure? You might not believe it, but I'm actually pretty good with hunting and cooking. I could see if there's anything decent out here?" she offered.

  
Cullen reached for her then, pulling her towards him.

  
"Mana, this is supposed to help you unwind. I won't put you to work.." he gently scolded.

  
She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as he brushed his fingers through her hair. Everything was different here. Despite not knowing where 'here' was, anything from the smell of the air, to the feel of the ground was foreign to her, nothing at all like Skyhold. Thinking about it like that, that was probably the whole point.

  
"So... you didn't bring me all the way out here to do nothing, you must have some ideas.." she probed.

  
He grinned, patting her head gently.

  
"I have some plans. You'll find out, just be patient." He said.

  
Pouting slightly, she nodded in understanding.

  
"Can I at least look around for a bit?" she asked curiously.

  
He let her go, patting her hip lightly.

  
"Don't get lost." He told her.

  
Cullen sighed a bit to himself as he watched her leave. Always both pleasing and a bit sad at the same time. When she was out of view, he busied himself setting up camp. Mana was already enjoying the location, trees as far as she could see, but not so thick as to blot out the sun. Near to where they had parted ways was a small stream as well, though there seemed to be no life in it. A decent place to wash up, if nothing else. Investigating everything, she found trees that bore fruit, and plants of all kinds. For reasons beyond her guess, she could recall the names, and what they were good for. It was entirely possible that she had once been experienced with herbalism, or maybe someone had shown her.

  
Despite him not wanting her to do any work, she busied herself gathering up some of the less common plants, setting them down long enough to shimmy up a tree to pick fruit. Jumping easily down, she gathered her bounty, careful not to drop anything. Realizing that she had already been gone for some time, she began to head back before he came looking for her. When she walked into the clearing, she sighed a little. Cullen already had the tent set up, a fire ready nearby. It wouldn't have been much of a bother to help with it. He frowned a little too, when he saw her, arms full of assorted things she had found on her exploration, no doubt.

  
Mana approached slowly, wondering if she might get a lecture, taking a seat beside him. Setting her things down between them, she was prepared to explain, but he spoke first.

  
"I see you've found quite a bit out here. Anything interesting?" he asked.

  
She carefully seperated and spread everything out, unsure if she was really ready to explain everything.

  
"Well, I found some healing herbs, and these are useful for treating burns.. These yellow ones are used for many things, if they're dried they can be turned into spices for cooking.." she mumbled

  
Cullen pointed to a few off to the side.

  
"What about these?" he asked.

  
"Those ones are poisonous. Not to touch, but if they're mixed with something. I thought Leliana might have a use for them." She explained.

  
He reached for one set away from all the rest. Mana quickly stopped him, seemingly nervous.

  
"What's wrong? Are these also poisonous?" he asked.

  
She shook her head, but quickly pulled them back. She had grabbed quite a lot of that particular variety, the leaves a vivid and intriguing purple.

  
"Those.. are safe to eat, but.. they do things.. I grabbed it for Mio. I've heard of this before.. I just.. don't recall where I heard it.." she replied.

  
Seeing the look on her face, noticing the way she blushed, he had to ask.

  
"What does it do?" He asked, grinning.

  
Her attention immediately turned to her hands, but he reached to hold them. Unable to distract herself from him, she gave in, leaning in to whisper it to him, as if someone might hear. When she told him, he blushed as well, his eyes turning to watch the fire. Clearing his throat, he briefly looked at her, before turning back as though he couldn't bring himself to keep looking at her.

  
"You should keep one.. " he mumbled.

  
This wasn't what she expected to hear after what she told him. Mana stared at her collection for a moment, too shy to look anywhere else.

  
"I.. if you really want me to, I will.." she struggled.

  
Cullen reached over, gently playing with the tips of her hair. It was strangely soothing, breathing in slowly, eyes closing after a few moments.

  
"I love you.." he told her.

  
Mana perked up slightly when she heard him say that, almost immediately. Moving a little closer, she laid her head on his lap, finally looking up at him.

  
"I love you too." she said.

  
Reaching down, his hand rested on her shoulder, massaging gently. He sighed, sounding troubled.

  
"We.. should talk. Nothing bad, at least I don't think so.. I just.. it's something you should hear." he commented.

  
Feeling her tense up at his words, he doubled his efforts to try and help her relax. He immediately knew she must have been imagining the worst.

  
"What's on your mind..?" she asked hesitantly.

  
"I wanted to ask you.. how do you feel.. about us..?" he questioned.

  
Mana brought her hands up, picking at the threads, the question requiring no thought at all. It was the answer that was hard to say. She knew she could be better at talking to him, but it was hard to express herself so easily.

  
"Cullen.. I.. want to tell you, but I'm afraid it will affect things.." she sighed.

  
"I'd really like to know.. " he persisted.

  
Drawing her eyebrows together, it seemed as though someone had asked her to do something completely against her nature. Hard to imagine the answer could really be so troublesome.

  
"I don't want to lose you..I can't recall ever feeling this way about anyone. It's.. like I can't think straight unless I'm with you..that.. probably sounds stupid.." she groaned.

  
She couldn't tell what he was thinking, and his expression was unlike any she could recall seeing. Like it wasn't one thing, it was many. Waiting for him to speak was unnerving.

  
"I'm glad.. I didn't want to be the only one. I understand that things.. could always go wrong. I try not to think about that, but it's always there. This is right.. " he tried to explain.

  
Mana didn't tear her attention away from her fingers, biting her lip lightly while she considered his words.

  
"What does that mean?" she questioned.

  
Cullen shook his head, though he was smiling, his response was far from a good answer to her question.

  
"I like it here." he responded.

  
Mana stared at him for a few moments, closing her eyes and relaxing. Thinking about that too much felt like her head might explode. Whatever he meant, he clearly wasn't planning on telling her, and that was strangely upsetting to her. Maybe upsetting wasn't the right word, but whatever was, it had to do with the tangled, twisted way her stomach felt when she thought too hard about something that worried her. He noticed then that she seemed tired, it had been a long trip, and she was probably already worn out from the night before still. Tapping her shoulder, he gestured to the tent.

  
"You should get some rest. I think I'll stay up for awhile yet." He said.

  
Mana didn't feel like she had the strength to argue with him, instead sitting up. She said nothing at first, crawling into the tent. She took a moment to call out to him then.

  
"In case you're wondering, I'm keeping my pants on!" she told him.

  
He muffled a laugh when she said that. In truth, he hadn't actually considered that until she said anything. Cullen didn't look back, thinking she might take it the wrong way if she saw the amused look on his face.

  
"That's too bad, I guess I'll have to deal with the pain of not seeing you squirm for awhile longer." he teased.

  
The reaction was easy to picture, face pink, eyes wide, lips parted just a little, as she exhaled grumpily. It was so familiar by that point, and he admitted to himself it was both cute and amusing. Someone who didn't know her so well might believe they had offended her. Cullen knew better, it was a look reserved for people she called friends. No, her offended face was much different, almost frightening at times. Thankfully, he had never been the cause or on the receiving end of it.

  
Mana woke late the next day, the sun already high. Sitting up, she snuck out finally. Two things immediately occurred to her: That she had no idea when he went to bed, if he slept at all, and that she wasn't sure why she wasn't woke up sooner. Cullen glanced back, waving her over to sit next to him. The elf quietly lowering to the ground, rubbing her eyes a bit. He handed her a piece of fruit, which struck her as odd. That's when the smell finally registered, cooked fish, he had been up long enough to fish and eat. She stayed quiet, as if waiting for some kind of explanation.

  
"I thought you might be hungry. If you're wondering why I didn't make any for you, I know better. The whole time you've been helping, I've never seen you eat fish." he explained.

  
Surprising that he actually noticed that. The truth was that she didn't like it, she was picky when it came to food. Like always, she kept her head down, like she didn't want to be seen doing something as indelicate as eating. Glancing at him from the side, she noticed his hand kept moving, but she couldn't see why. It struck her as odd, but decided not to ask. Cullen looked like he had a lot on his mind, and the last thing she meant to do was add to it. Of course, if she had to guess, it probably had something to do with siege equipment.

  
"I.. thought we could take a walk after awhile. I had somewhere I wanted to take you." he said finally.

  
Mana finished the fruit, pocketing the inedible bits. It might be a Dalish stereotype, but she wanted to plant a tree somewhere on the way back.

  
"Is this place a surprise?" she asked.

  
He didn't say anything, but nodded to her. Cullen definitely seemed particularly serious today, verging on stoic. Whatever this surprise was, it was obviously something that he didn't want her to know too much about. Then there was the matter of the unusual distance that had been between them the whole trip. Strange that it hurt a little, he had barely looked at her, forget anything more than that. Mana stood up, stretching easily as she did. Looking up, he pushed himself up as well, a faint trace of a smile visible.

  
"It's a bit of a walk, I'll deal with the fire and we can get going.." he told her.

  
Curiosity was getting the better of her, turning her attention to the fire then. Something made sense about it, her hand waving over it slowly, the fire went out almost immediately. Cullen raised an eyebrow, not masking his surprise.

  
"Ah. I see you're really interested to know where we're going. I won't waste anymore time then." he said.

  
She couldn't hear what he said next, the words barely spoken at all.

  
"I just hope you're still as enthusiastic when we get there.." he sighed to himself.

  
While they walked, she brushed her fingers through her hair, gently shaking the few tangles she had retained overnight out. After a time, they still seemed no closer to the destination, though Cullen reached for her hand, squeezing it gently. It was reassuring, but all too brief. Close to a town, she could see buildings close by, glancing at him then. It could be that he intended to take her here, but what would be the point? Upon closer inspection, she realized there was no one to be seen anywhere, the town apparently devoid of people.

  
"The war destroyed this town. Everyone left, though.. when I spoke to Leliana she told me someone would be here." he told her.

  
"Someone came back here? There's nothing for anyone.." she said with a frown.

  
"The person we're looking for seemed all too happy to come back for a little while, a personal connection to her." he explained.

  
Strangely, as they walked, she saw flashes of people she had surely never met. That couldn't be possible that she had been here before, the war here was years past, and she was elsewhere at the time. Things had a way of getting weird around her. Cullen pointed to a partially dilapidated building, still mostly stable, but it was clear it had taken a beating. Mana followed silently, a little confused as to why they were stopping at this particular place. The door was completely knocked off its hinges, stepping over carefully. At the end of a short hall sat an elderly woman, someone she didn't recognize, and it seemed that he hadn't known who she was either.

  
"I.. need to tell you now, why I brought you here. I don't want you to be upset with me.." he sighed.

  
His hand immediately reaching back to his neck, looking away guiltily. Mana immediately felt that bundle of nerves in the pit of her stomach. At this point, she was just hoping this wasn't some kind of trap, though she couldn't deny it felt suspicious. She tried to hide it, but her voice shook just a bit when she finally acknowledged his words.

  
"What's going on.. I'll be honest, this feels bad.." she mumbled.

  
Cullen placed his hands on her shoulders then, trying to calm her suspicion.

  
"Mana, this is.. well.. I guess it _could_ be bad.. maybe I didn't think this through very well.. I talked with the other advisors about this.. I knew it should be kept quiet, and those two are the best at keeping secrets when needed.." he began.

  
Interesting, so Josephine and Leliana were completely in on this the entire time. All the more reason to find it suspicious, though she kept quiet in case he felt like explaining more clearly.

  
"I.. told you how I feel, the rest is on you.. I brought you here.. " he paused again.

  
Whatever he was trying to say was bothering him in a way. He was nervous, it was so obvious she had no trouble understanding. In all the times they had dealt with tough situations, unwinnable fights, he was never this shaken. It had to be serious. Cullen finally took a deep breath, looking into her eyes.

  
"Mana.. I want to marry you. Right here, right now.. I know it's foolish, but I've thought it through. If we make it through this, people aren't going to be as accepting as they would if it had already happened out of their control.. " he explained.

  
Mana exhaled, not realizing she had been holding her breath. She was stunned, unsure what to say. It wasn't exactly sudden, they had been together for months, and he had good points. They might not even survive, and hearing him say those words was surprising. She bit her lip, thinking it over for a few moments.

  
"Cullen.. I don't know what to say.." she said finally.

  
He brushed his fingers slowly through her hair, smiling a little while he admired her.

  
"Say you will.. say yes.." he begged.

  
Before she could register what she was doing, she nodded.

  
"I will..." she managed.

  
He reached for her hand, pulling her quickly down the hall. Strange to see him so eager about anything not involving swords or troop movements. Stopping in front of the old woman, they spoke for a few moments, watching as she stood up. Her mind was swimming with thoughts, and she confessed to herself that she hadn't heard much of anything that was said, unsure what to say when she was called upon. There was something there, words echoing in her mind. The words she spoke were those of the Dalish, words that had suddenly felt meaningful. She knew what they meant, but couldn't quite place why she knew them. It was a little disconcerting at times to recall only a piece, when the whole should be there.

  
Cullen leaned in, kissing her. It was distracting, enough to call her back from the abyss that was her memories. Red eyes closing slowly, she reached for him, keeping him against her in a way that felt like she was worried he might suddenly disappear. Realizing then that Cullen was the one point of stability in her vastly unstable existence. Parting from her slowly, he thanked the woman, reaching for her hand as they left slowly.

  
"Is.. this why you've been staying away from me?" she asked hesitantly.

  
He didn't answer right away, waiting until they were just outside the town. It was slight, but she could tell he was blushing.

  
"I.. rushed things, I know.. but I wanted to try and do things right.." he sighed.

  
Mana turned away, hearing it said that way was a little embarrassing to her. He seemed to remember something, reaching for her hand once more, he pulled her glove off slowly. Grabbing something from his pocket, he slid it onto her finger. It was a simple silver band, though simple was perfect to her, she happened to notice that he wore a similar one as well. He seemed bothered still, though she didn't have a chance to ask about it.

  
"These are temporary.. I didn't really have time for a better one, I'm sorry.." he mumbled.

  
They had continued walking for a bit, but she stopped once more, lifting up to kiss him. She grasped his arms gently as she worked to keep her balance.

  
"Don't be..I'm flattered that it was important to you." she assured him.

  
Cullen fell silent, following the path again. When they made it back to camp, Mana waved her hand again and the fire roared back to life. Maybe Dorian's lesson helped more than she thought, it was getting easier to make things happen. He noticed too, pointing to the fire offhandedly.

  
"Looks like it's coming back to you. That's good, right?" he asked.

  
She shrugged slightly, kicking her feet nervously.

  
"I'm still not so sure. I don't want it if all I did before was hurt people.." she stated.

  
"You can't remember though, not everything. Maybe it's not as bad as you think." he said.

  
He sat down then, reaching to bring her down with him. Tugging her into his lap carefully, his eyes fixed on hers.

  
"This should be a good night. Let's not worry about it tonight.." he told her.

  
"You're right.. " she agreed.

  
Cullen slid his hands up the back of her shirt slowly, pulling it off after a moment.

  
"I want your full attention.." he growled. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm surprised I waited this long. Used to be in an earlier chapter.


	10. Love Is War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Returning to Skyhold, Mana learns that war is waged on many fronts..

  
Chapter 10: Love is War

  
Skyhold, as beautiful as it was, it was still as cold as ever. The vacation had been nice, but all too short for her taste. An unfair glimpse at her reward, assuming she actually lived through the course she had been set on. Mana had intended on reporting in right away, but they had returned after dark, and it seemed everyone was asleep. Cullen had followed her into the silent, empty war room to look and see what had been accomplished while they were away. Leaning against the table, she stared intently at the map, it might not seem like much, but it appeared that it had been eventful while they were away.

  
"We just got back, must it be all about work already?" Cullen asked.

  
That was unlike him, he was usually the first to get to work and the last to stop for the night. She was fairly certain he even dreamed about it on occasion. She didn't bother looking away, though she did answer eventually.

  
"Did you have something better in mind?" she questioned.

  
"I can think of a few things.." he muttered.

  
She felt his hands on her sides, slowly tracing circles against her. Giving in for just a moment, she doubled her efforts to concentrate. He was learning from her, and he knew very well if he persisted a little more, she wouldn't resist forever. Leaning over her slightly, he pushed her hair over her shoulder, nipping at the back of her neck. Breathing shakily, she hung her head, though she still did her best to concentrate. He was wearing down her resolve, and honestly, she was just making him work for it now. She could feel his hand pressed against her stomach, hesitating for the slightest instant before sliding under her pants. Mana bit her lip, trying to stay quiet though it was asking the impossible.

  
Glancing down at the table, he had an idea. It was one he had considered before, though he would never admit to it to anyone else, not even her. He moved away from her, and she wondered what he was doing, knowing very well he had some kind of idea.

  
"Close your eyes.." he instructed.

  
Suspicious, she obeyed without question despite her reservations. When he was sure she wasn't watching, he worked as quietly as he could so as not to alert her. Finishing what he had been doing, he grabbed a dagger from the table, facing her in thought.

  
"You might not want to move, I don't want to hurt you.." he warned.

  
Mana kept her eyes close, standing as still as she could manage. Eyebrows drawn together, she felt something catch on her sleeve. Moments passed by slowly, feeling him gently pulling her arms behind her back. Aware of the sensation of something tightly holding her wrists together then. Cullen picked her up then, setting her down easily on the table, easing her back slowly.

  
"Alright, go ahead and look.." he finally told her.

  
Mana opened her eyes, her eyes immediately drawn to him. The way the moonlight illuminated him from behind a thin slit in the curtain, there were no words adequate to describe it. He leaned over her, kissing her lightly before going for her neck. Being unable to touch him was bothersome, and she suspected he knew that and was torturing her with his proximity. On the other side, he was unrestrained, certain he had covered every inch of skin, several times over. Slowly, almost painfully slow, stopping first at her shoulders, easily working down to her breasts where he again stopped.

  
The way his fingertips traced her nipples, trailing down the center of her abdomen, halting at her hips.. it was obvious he was enjoying watching her squirm. Cullen stared into her eyes for a moment, turning back to her body, massaging her thighs as though waiting for something. Not quite satisfied, his fingers slipping easily against her, working back and forth until he heard her inhale sharply. Knowing how hard she was trying to be quiet, he wanted to hear her that much more. It was almost like a command, pulling away once more, grasping her thighs once more. The look on her face was interesting, confused but also enjoying it, masked behind denial.

  
"I told you I'd remember.." he teased.

  
Her face turned a soft pink, and she looked away nervously.

  
"I was joking, at least.. I think I was.." she mumbled.

  
"Joking? Well, you seem to be strangely at ease even so.." he commented.

  
The look on her face was priceless, and it was hard not to laugh.

  
"Maybe so. Just remember, I get payback.." she advised him.

  
He laughed then, unable to resist teasing her a little.

  
"What will you do, blush at me?" he joked.

  
Squirming underneath him, she managed a slight shrug as if she were debating it.

  
"It won't be any fun if I tell you now.." she sighed.

  
Nodding in agreement, he pulled her legs apart, gripping her hips.

  
"You make a fine point. I won't keep you waiting any longer then.." he told her.

  
Pulling her back against him, she tried unsuccessfully to stay quiet, gasping audibly. He bent down once more, teeth scraping her neck as he bit down, leaving a bright red mark on the skin. Cullen could tell she found it frustrating, not being able to move the way she usually did. That the lack of any control in the situation was both maddening and interesting to her. As he rocked against her then, he nipped at her neck, hearing her moan softly. Pulling her back onto him occasionally, he felt her squirming under him. She pressed herself upward against him, one of the few things she could manage from her bound position, tipping her head back as his lips traveled down her neck. Once he reached the center of her chest, he worked backwards, up her throat to her lips, kissing her deeply. Cullen groaned softly, encouraged by her reactions, his body working against hers harder. Mana slid the tip of her tongue against his, as if trying for more.

  
It seemed more passionate somehow, straining against the bindings, the weight of him pressed firmly against her, and the way any spaces between them vanished. She whimpered needily, nails scraping at the table beneath her. Giving into her, he pulled her back against him harder then, a bit faster. The tension inside her gripping him, her whole body trembling underneath him. Moving his hand into her hair, he pulled slightly, her cries lost in between their lips. Her body was hot, flushed as she arched upward as best as she could. Cullen could tell he had almost brought her to her limit, the situation itself contributing, he was sure. His face flushed, feeling the warmth and wetness between them he ground into her faster. Her body tightened around him reflexively, squeezing firmly. he couldn't hold back any longer, the mixed sensations too much for him, his breathing erratic and shaky, gasping for breath as he came. After a few moments he pulled out of her, remembering he needed to untie her.

  
Pulling her up slowly, he reached behind her. Still shaking from the aftershocks, she heaved a sigh as he untied her. Glancing down at the map, he frowned a little.

  
"Well, the Exalted Plains have been flooded. Shame about that." he said thoughtfully.

  
Mana's eyes went to the scraps of clothes on the floor, picking them up. Best not to leave too much evidence, she figured. He heard her tapping her nails on the edge of the table and he looked up at her then.

  
"How do you feel about dozens of potential people seeing me like this?" she asked.

  
"I wouldn't like it at all." he told her.

  
"Well, I hope everyone is still asleep then." she stated.

  
Realizing what she was getting at, he knelt down, grabbing his coat. Handing it to her, she quickly put it on. She was short enough that it covered her for the most part. Cullen looked at her for a moment, finding it mildly amusing, and a little cute. He put what he could back on, helping her down from the table. Opening the door, the coast seemed clear enough, following behind him like a barrier as he led her through the hall. As they reached the door, pulling it back, she heard a noise. Solas had apparently just come back from wherever it was that he had been. He seemed mildly confused, but waved anyway.

  
"Commander, you're up late. Are you turning in for the night?" he asked.

  
"I was, yes. Did you just get in as well?" he responded.

  
He gestured for her to sneak away while the attention was focused on him. Solas was dangerously perceptive, and he was fairly sure he had already noticed her, but if there was even a slight chance, he wanted to spare her the embarassment. Mana crept through the door, being as quiet as she could in her steps.

  
"If you're looking for the Inquisitor, I think she must have turned in some time ago. " he offered helpfully.

  
That struck him as odd, the mage noticed everything, a true eye for detail. That he hadn't seen her was strange. He dismissed it from his thoughts, waving again as he parted ways with him, closing the door behind him as he left. When he got to the room, he realized she was nowhere to be seen. He knew she had to be there, it was the only place the hall led to. Glancing back at the door, he heard her then.

  
"Are you alright?" she asked.

  
Turning back to the bed, he saw her. She hadn't been there a moment ago, but there she was.

  
"I'm fine, where did you come from?" he questioned.

  
The face she made indicated she had no idea what he meant by the question.

  
"I was here.. where did you think i was?" she pressed.

  
Cullen shook his head, shrugging it off. He might have been more tired than he had thought. There was little point in worrying over it. He stripped down once more, moving to lay beside her after a moment. Mana reached for him right away, resting her head on his shoulder. During their trip, she had managed to talk him into using his office for work, and her room for sleep. He had been hesitant to agree, but ultimately had been convinced. Admittedly, she had a nicer bed, so it wasn't exactly a problem.

  
"Is it as odd for you to think that someday, we'll wake up like this and have nothing to do?" he asked suddenly.

  
"A little. For now, this is all I know.. I wonder what it would be like.." she said.

  
"You won't be alone." he sighed.

  
He felt her snuggle closer, burying herself in the blankets with a quiet coo. There was no way she was as horrible as she imagined. Cullen had been haunted by the visions of monsters in his past, and not once had he ever heard anything truly evil make such contented sounds.

  
"That reminds me.. I noticed the other morning you seemed pretty involved in a letter.. were you finally writing back to your family?" she asked quietly.

  
Cullen shifted uncomfortably, a sure sign he had done something she might not approve of. Though instead of hinting, he actually came out and said it. Always managing to surprise her somehow..

  
"I did. I.. _may_ have.. told them about you.." he admitted guiltily.

  
"I'm sure that's an improvement over not hearing from you for awhile.." she murmured.

  
"I suppose you're right." he agreed with a yawn. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything can't be serious all the time. Right?


	11. Reflex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letters, battle plans, and bed rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a weird chapter. Oh well.

Chapter 11: Reflex

  
Mio walked in, carrying a letter in his hand. It was fairly early in the morning, but to him that meant nothing. He sighed a bit when he saw Mana was still in bed, moving to her side of the bed, he leaned down.

  
"Get up.. " he said.

  
No reaction of any kind. Not even the faintest little twitch. Grabbing the edge of the mattress, he shook the bed back and forth as fast as he could manage. Cullen sat up then, seeking out the source.

  
"Ahh.. wrong one.. " he groaned.

  
"What exactly are you trying to do?" he asked sleepily.

  
Mio took a step back, pointing to her.

  
"I have a letter for her, trying to wake her up.." he said.

  
Cullen rolled his eyes, turning to face her then. He gently shook her shoulder.

  
"Mana, your brother is here, time to get up.." he told her.

  
She sat up after a few moments, rubbing her eyes slightly. Somehow, it bothered him how easily she woke up. He thumped her on the head with the missive, and she glared at him.

  
"This better be important.." she threatened.

  
Opening the letter despite her minor irritation, she read through it carefully. The look on her face was one of disinterest, but beneath it, just barely noticeable was a hint of sadness. She tossed it on the floor, turning onto her stomach and burying her face in the pillow. Picking it up, her brother read through it then. Her reaction made some sense after all, to someone who couldn't recall the past, it likely meant nothing. It was the concept of losing something more that had to be why she had that glimmer of sadness.

  
"Well, glad we had this talk.." he mumbled to her.

  
Mana raised her hand and shook it a bit, taking his cue, he headed for the door, setting the letter back on the bed as he did. Pausing at the foot of the stairs, he called back to her before she heard the door close.

  
"You know, you can't always be so casual about everything. That wall keeps people out, but it also keeps you inside." he sighed.

  
Cullen wasn't quite sure if he should look, but he did anyway. Truthfully, it had bothered him substantially more. That she acted like she didn't care made it worse. Dressing quickly, he left in a hurry, like a man with purpose. Stalking through the halls, he opened the door, approaching Josephine's desk. He dropped the paper on her desk, waiting until she looked up to speak.

  
"Who can I say is responsible for this getting out?" he asked sharply.

  
Josephine picked it up and read through it, shaking her head slowly.

  
"I'm sorry Commander, I don't know. So few people knew about this, not even her brother was told,  we were very careful.." she replied.

  
Leliana walked in while they were talking, his irritation now focusing on her.

  
"How many of your men knew about the trip we took?" he questioned.

  
Not quite understanding his frustration, she glanced towards Josephine, who shrugged.

  
"Three. Why do you ask?" she retorted.

  
Josephine handed her the letter, watching as she read through it quickly. She knew immediately why he was upset with the news.

  
"I'll get to the bottom of this. When I find out where the leak is, I'll take care of it. In the meantime, relating to this, in fact. A matter came to our attention, the Inquisitor should deal with it as soon as possible." she stated.

  
Leliana held onto the letter, leaving quickly to deal with the matter at hand. Cullen sighed, turning around, intending to go get her so she could see what the problem was. The Ambassador spoke as he reached the door.

  
"May I ask what about that letter was upsetting you?" she asked.

  
He glanced back for a moment, his hand on the door.

  
"She's lost more, only this time, it's my fault. I shouldn't be the one hurting her.." he said.

  
Without waiting, he left. He didn't want to have to drag her out of bed, knowing it had to be affecting her. She acted like she was alright with it, but even he wasn't able to ignore what she was trying to hide. When he entered the room, she was already out of bed, getting dressed. She looked up for all of perhaps a second, kneeling down to tie her boots.

  
"You're up.. are you alright?" he asked.

  
Knowing he was referring to the letter, she stood once more, facing him finally.

  
"Everyone goes through hell at some point. The only thing that changes is how long you stay.." she mumbled.

  
"So it is bothering you.." he sighed.

  
"Why should I care? I never knew my mother, I forgot my clan, I forgot my brother. What do I care what they say? I don't know them anymore, what they think is no longer my problem." she said coldly.

  
Cullen had never seen this side of her. What she said made sense, but for her to say those things in such an unfeeling way was strange. This was a woman he had come to know well, someone who felt everything deeply, despite keeping it to herself. There was no way it didn't bother her to be disowned so easily.

  
"I see.. " he managed.

  
Approaching him, she rested her hand on his shoulder, her features softening slightly as her eyes met his.

  
"Cullen.. I know that look. I don't blame you for this. If anything, it's my fault. I didn't walk blindly into this, I accepted it the moment I fell for you." she explained.

  
He brushed a hand against her cheek, still not entirely convinced that it didn't really matter. She was so distracting despite everything.

  
"You're beautiful.. you know that?" he mumbled.

  
She blushed faintly, sneaking a quick kiss.

  
"Maybe so, but next to you, I think you're clearly better looking." she stated.

  
He suddenly pointed to the door, changing the subject.

  
"Leliana needed to speak to you.." he said.

  
Mana groaned, but headed down anyway. Following her back to the office, Josephine stood up, a line heading for the war room to discuss the situation. Opening the door, Mana tensed, struggling to conceal a guilty look. Forgetting the condition of the room after the last time she had been there. The Ambassador headed back out, reaching into her desk, shuffling back into the room. She busied herself with cleaning up the mess, laying out a new map and painstakingly replacing all the placeholders where they had been.

  
"Sera.." she grumbled to herself.

  
While she was busy, Cullen looked at her briefly, that same guilty look on his face for a split second. Leliana finally joined them, standing in silence until she had finished arranging everything.

  
"Inquisitor, we received word recently that there is a situation in Wycome. On your orders last time we reached out to them, we made contact and assisted where possible. It appears that some kind of plague is affecting the area. Both the Dalish and city elves are at risk of attack. No offense to the Commander, but his men would do very little in the situation. Say the word and I can send agents to deal with the Duke, or Josephine may be able to work a little magic with diplomacy." She explained.

  
Mana glanced between the two women for a few moments, sparing a glance to the map. That same cold gaze from earlier had returned. Her eyes fixing on Leliana, she gave a slight nod.

  
"Crush him. " she stated.

  
Leaning close, she whispered something to her. Leliana seemed a bit surprised, but gave a nod.

  
"As you wish, I will send them immediately." she confirmed.

  
"Keep me informed." she said, continuing. "That other situation.. has there been progress?"

  
Leliana pointed to a spot on the map.

  
"She has been located, and has since returned to the castle. I would imagine you'll have a response soon enough." she said.

  
"Very good. If there's nothing else, I'll be going." she stated abruptly.

  
Neither added anything more, so she turned to leave. The door closed behind her, and she managed a few steps before collapsing suddenly. Mio came through the office door, noticing her right away. Kneeling next to her, his fingers pressed to her neck. Cullen walked out, alarmed by the situation in front of him, he strode over as well.

  
"What happened?" he asked quickly.

  
He sighed a little, lifting her and handing her off to him.

  
"Take her to her room. I need to grab a few things, I'll meet you there." he instructed.

  
That was no answer, but he was already on his way. He reacted quickly, but carefully, trying to assure she didn't hit her head on anything as he carried her. By the time he got back to the room, Mio was almost right behind. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he set a small bag down beside her, digging through it.

  
"You never told me what happened.." he pointed out.

  
Saying nothing, he reached into his bag and withdrew a small vial with the same black liquid he had given her before. Finally looking at him, he held it up.

  
"Think of it this way. If you push your body too much, your heart doesn't like it. If you push your mind too hard, it breaks. Her mind shut down on her so she wouldn't break. Simply put, she passed out from mental exhaustion." he tried to explain.

  
He pulled the stopper from the vial, reaching to pull her mouth open. He poured the liquid into her mouth slowly, massaging her throat to help it down. When it was gone, he tossed it back into his bag, staring at her for a few moments. It was as though he had been expecting a reaction by now, and it hadn't happened. Groaning a bit then, he pulled her to sit up.

  
"Don't dwell on it, Mythal help me if you keep overthinking everything.. you need a hobby.." he grumbled.

  
Mana opened her eyes, glaring at him again.

  
"I have hobbies.." she defended.

  
"Name two." he challenged.

  
She held up her hand like she intended to count them off, but froze. It was clear she couldn't think of anything at all. He shook his head with a sigh, turning to Cullen then as he stood up.

  
"Could you try to make sure she gets out and does something from time to time? She'll just ignore me like she always does.." he grumbled.

  
"That won't be a problem." he assured him confidently.

  
Mio headed for the door when he was certain the situation was under control, stopping when she spoke.

  
"Who is it today?" she asked.

  
"Josephine, hopefully." he answered.

  
"Leliana will kill you.." she warned him.

  
He grinned when she said that.

  
"Oh no. She's a resourceful woman. She'll do something much more interesting." he replied.

  
Hearing the door close, Mana attempted to get up, though when she saw the look on Cullen's face, she decided it would be better to stay put.

  
"Do you really not have hobbies?" he asked curiously.

  
She shrugged a shoulder, staring at the blanket in thought.

  
"Not that I can remember. If I ever did, it was probably terrifying old women and children." she joked.

  
"I doubt that." he said, rolling his eyes.

  
"Alright, alright, completely serious? I do have a few, I just.. don't talk about them.. they're.. personal." she mumbled.

  
He sat next to her then, rubbing her side lightly.

  
"What could be so bad that you couldn't even tell me?" he asked curiously.

  
"What could be so bad? You're not using enough imagination if you have to ask that.." she replied calmly.

  
"Now I know you're bluffing. Lady Lavellan doing something so devious it requires an unusual amount of thought to even imagine? Perish the thought." he teased.

  
It was like a challenge, a different side of her she kept locked away taunted into existence.

  
"I'm not that proper. Would a proper Lady make you blush the way I can?" she teased.

  
He cleared his throat, turning his attention to the floor for a few moments.

  
"Thinking that way, I suppose not. I've lost track of the number of times I've heard you scream the most un-ladylike things." he shot back.

  
Her face turned a deep pink, secretly hoping that was forgettable enough to go without notice, ever.

  
"Well, clearly you might not be as surprised then. Alright. Two words: Drunken brawling." she offered.

  
"I don't even think I've ever seen you drunk before.." he mused.

  
"Spend some time in the tavern on a Friday. Last time.. ahh, well.. maybe sometime I'll tell you about it." she told him.

  
Unexpected, to be sure. Though he would be lying if he tried to convince himself he wasn't curious. It was such a difficult thing to picture.

  
"I don't even know what that would look like, believe me, I'm trying." he said quietly.

  
Distracted, she managed to sneak close, pulling him back suddenly. Looking up at her as she leaned over him, he hadn't anticipated her moving so quickly in her condition.

  
"Wouldn't it be more fun for you to try and imagine something else?" she teased.

  
"I don't really need help there.." he admitted with a sigh.

  
"No? It's a good thing you're no mind reader.." she laughed.

  
He shook his head, watching her in silence for a little while, like he was thinking about something rather intently.

  
"I'm beginning to think I've created a monster.." he said finally.

  
Had he not been grinning almost wickedly when he said it, she might have mistaken it for a bad thing.

  
"Oh, you _definitely_ have." she confirmed.

  
Perhaps it was lucky for her then that she needed her rest. As tempting as she was, he had to get back to work, vowing silently to resist until she had recovered completely. Noticing that distant expression again, she imagined he was busy thinking about running drills again. The hazard of falling for the most work-oriented person she could have picked, she guessed.

  
"What are you still doing slacking off with me, get back to work!" she scolded.

  
Her tone was playful despite the way she looked. Cullen sighed again, forcing himself to get up and back to work.

  
"As you say, I'll be back tonight then." he told her. 


	12. The Lost Year pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Inquisitor is plagued with nightmares, leading her to a sleepless night of research. Another trip is in order, the destination a familiar one. The company? Not quite so reassuring.

Chapter 12: The Lost Year pt. 2

  
Sitting up with a shriek, she glanced around. It was dark, too dark. The feeling suffocating, pain wracking her entire body. The sound was alarming, waking Cullen, long accustomed to horrifying dreams, he knew the signs well. It had been like this for a few days now, and she still didn't want to talk about it.

  
"Mana.. it's alright, you were sleeping." he told her, as calmly as he could.

  
Inevitably, she calmed down after a few moments, though he knew she was crying. Experience with the problem didn't mean he had a solution, a source of irritation for him. She laid back staring up into the darkness, burying her face in her hands. Taking a deep breath, she finally spoke, her words barely above a whisper.

  
"I need answers.. I have to know what happened.." she declared.

  
"If I can do anything to help.." he offered.

  
"I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to wake you again. I don't think I'll be sleeping anymore tonight.. I'm going for a walk." she told him.

  
He reached out, rubbing her back lightly as if to tell her it was fine. She got up, dressing quickly and leaving even quicker. One thing was certain, after seeing it so many times in her dreams, she knew it had everything to do with that building they had looked at. The library, if there was any place to begin, it would be there. Dark here too, though why she expected anything else, she couldn't say. Stopping in front of the first shelf she found, she strained to read the titles. A light flickered on after a moment, a pair of irritated eyes greeting her.

  
"Ah, it's just you. I thought for sure a druffalo had wandered in.." Dorian groaned.

  
Had she really been so loud? Recalling what he had said before about apologizing too much, she said nothing, returning to her search. The light danced a little closer, barely registering that he had stopped beside her.

  
"What could drag the Inquisitor away from her luxury accommodations, her Templar and her beauty sleep.. that's what springs to mind." he thought out loud.

  
Mana's eyes flicked to him and back to the shelf, like a red blur. She finally decided to answer him, pushing herself to her toes to try and read the titles on the top shelf.

  
"I need a book on architecture. Looking for a very specific building. Before you ask, I don't know the name, I don't know the purpose of it. That's why I need the book." she grunted.

  
Dorian chuckled a little, the combination of her being on the shorter end of the Elven spectrum and the grumpy tone of her voice, it was like watching a little dog viciously barking. He pointed to a different shelf.

  
"You won't find what you're looking for here. What you want is over there. For lack of a ladder, I suppose I can help you search the high shelves." he teased.

  
She heaved a sigh, following him despite the jab at her height. Kneeling down, she looked through the lower rows of books. Before she managed to work her way through even one section, Dorian had already pulled a few off the shelves, setting them on a table to his left. Moving to sit down, he opened the first book, sparing her a quick glance.

  
"How do you intend to find a place you don't know the name of. Do you know what it looks like, at least?" he questioned.

  
Mana looked up from the dusty tomes, nodding.

  
"You could say that. I saw the wreckage, I can reconstruct it well enough in my mind to guess at what it did look like. Just let me know if it has pictures.." she sighed.

  
He raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. Dorian may have a sharp tongue at times, but he had come to like her company, and he wanted to help. Having more to go on would have been too easy anyway. Reaching for another book, he flipped through quickly, but slow enough to notice if it had pictures. He found one such book in his pile, handing it to her. Mana kept shaking her head as she looked through, her fingers holding places in the pages that might be what she was looking for. Reading the descriptions, she was able to rule out most of them, narrowing it down to three places. Leaning closer, Dorian examined the first such place.

  
"I guarantee that one isn't it.." he told her.

  
"Why couldn't that be it?" she asked.

  
"That one was destroyed ages ago, it wouldn't have been fit to bring anyone but a corpse. Next one." he said with a wave.

  
Turning to the next one as he had requested, he shook his head again.

  
"I can't read this.." she explained.

  
He grinned a bit.

  
"Early Tevene. If you could read that, I'd be surprised. Elves don't fare so well in Tevinter, as you've no doubt heard. " he indicated.

  
Mana huffed slightly.

  
"I said I couldn't read it. Thanks to you, I picked up a few words.. but that's for another time. What about this one?" she asked, pointing to the last one.

  
Dorian grabbed the book from her, reading about it for a moment. Looking at the picture, it seemed plausible at the very least.

  
"Tell me about what you saw when you went." he instructed.

  
Closing her eyes to better recall it in her mind, she spoke quietly.

  
"There were trees, but only to a certain point. Snapped branches, after that point, barren land where nothing grew. It led up to the remains of the building, looked like stone. Shackles on the ground in the rubble, probably fastened to the wall.." she described.

  
Dorian took a closer look, visually, it seemed to be made of the same material, but what wasn't? The picture showed a line of trees, much like she described, though it appeared lush with vegetation. If this was the place, something had happened there.

  
"I think this is your place then. Was there anything special about these shackles that you can think of?" he pressed.

  
Mana immediately nodded, the symbols on the inside jumping to mind.

  
"They had symbols on the inside, I'm told that they're used to negate magic." she confirmed.

  
He tapped his chin in thought, standing up suddenly and pacing. Something had occurred to him, and he was trying to piece it together. If she stayed quiet long enough, he might explain it to her when he felt sure of the answer. It didn't take very long, thankfully, as he stopped mid-step, turning back to her.

  
"That sounds suspiciously like a dungeon, though it looked like there was more to it. I hate to even suggest this, especially since I value my, admittedly attractive head. I have heard of places where they take slaves meant to be sold off to.. " Dorian had no delicate way of saying this, as well educated as he was. "To whorehouses." he finished.

  
Mana's face wrinkled in disgust, the very idea making her skin crawl. It was hardly his fault, it was a lead, and it was worth persuing. The problem was that she had already been to the site, and nothing was familiar. That's when it occurred to her that he might be able to help her out.

  
"You're experienced with magic. I told you I was there already.. I couldn't remember anything. I am fairly sure I'm going to regret this all around. Is there.. anything you can do to help?" she asked.

  
He was hardly shocked that she would ask him over, say.. Solas or Vivienne. Madame de Fer was all about her own gains, and that stick called 'tradition' jammed too far up her ass to be of use. Solas? Let's face it, he was harboring a desire for her so strong and so repressed he couldn't even see it. More importantly, how far had his methods gotten the poor girl this far? A minor proficiency with healing that even the most inexperienced mage could pull off. He put his hand on her shoulder reassuringly, the gears turning in his mind already.

  
"There are a few ideas. If the first works, my back up plans won't be needed. I like having something to fall back on. I'll tell you what. You make the arrangements, I'll get started on that for you. I will be ready to go by the time everything is set up." he said.

  
At this, Mana thanked him, leaving the library so he could continue his.. whatever he had been doing before. Had he actually been sleeping in there? He had his own room, though where it was, she had long forgotten. Skyhold was large, and despite having looked everywhere, she could hardly keep track of where everything was. When she arrived in the hall, it was beginning to get lighter out, however, it would still be a few hours before anyone would be awake that could make the travel possible. Going back to her room was out as well, Cullen worked hard enough without being woke up twice in one night. She heaved a sigh, heading outside, she crossed the yard and made her way up a tree. It was certainly comfortable, and the cold air would ensure that she didn't fall asleep. Her body definitely needed it, but diving back into terror was not in her 'top ten things to do' list.

  
Being completely honest with herself, it was hard enough to just think about what she might discover. For instance, if he was right, she went from a dungeon, to a death trap, to another dungeon that was also a death trap. After the last few trips, she was certain Cassandra and Leliana didn't need to come. Anything relevant to the spymaster could be reported back. Her brother would tag along whether she wanted him to or not. Dorian was helping, so he was needed. She tossed the idea of bringing Solas with around in her mind. He was often insightful, but would he help or hinder in the long run. Cullen would be useful, but she was afraid of what he might see, as always. Mana knew she would feel better with someone there to restrain her if needed, the problem was, and her track record for siding with mages verified this.. she had secretly harbored an ill-understood fear of templars. The reason wasn't clear, but she had it firmly set in her mind even before the destruction of Haven that they were too dangerous to trust. Cullen being the only exception, and even then, the damned sword itself made her nervous.

  
By the time people began to wake and move, she still hadn't settled on anyone in particular. Mana jumped out of the tree, landing hard on the ground. Her ankle had initially hurt from the drop, but it mended well enough almost instantly. Getting up, she walked with purpose, catching Leliana before she had managed to get anywhere, arranging the trip. Mio passed by during their talk, and she snagged him a little roughly before he could get away either.

  
"You, get two people you think would be most useful in a potentially volatile situation..." she instructed him.

  
\-----------------

  
After a time, the caravan had been readied. Not the usual carriage, this was the type they deployed for military operations. Not beating around the bush, apparently. She got in, waiting almost impatiently for the rest of the group. Dorian was the first to arrive, carrying a bag of mystery things, and a book. Nothing related to the mission, presumably just a time passer. She should have brought something to do as well, sleep was out of the question still, and talking felt like a waste of time. Mio leapt in, taking a seat next to Dorian, smiling a little as he did. Not entirely unusual, she had learned that look well. He didn't seem particularly picky about who kept his bed warm, though that hardly mattered to her.

  
At the opposite side of things, the look he gave her sent shivers down her spine. Not the good kind either, the kind that seemed to indicate he was up to something. It didn't take long to figure out what either, Solas stepping in and sitting on her left side. She stared daggers at him, half expecting Cassandra to be the last person. Her stomach dropped and she felt a twitch of irritation directed at him, mentally strangling him when Cullen was the last to arrive. She beckoned to the dark haired elf, and he leaned forward with a pleasant smile.

  
"I hope you know, I'm going to kill you for this." she whispered lightly.

  
He sat back in his seat, smirking from ear to ear, crossing his leg over his lap.

  
"No, I don't think you will. You love me, whether you're ready to own up to it or not." he said cheerfully.

  
Strangling was too good for him, her mind had to come up with something more horrible for him. She put her head down, staying silent for a time. In her thoughts, she was pondering the time left until the bickering started.

  
"Did you manage to get any sleep after you left?" Cullen asked.

  
"No. I didn't try either.." she said, returning to her thoughts.

  
"What did you do all night?" Solas questioned.

  
Dorian turned his attention towards the group for just a moment, turning his page and his gaze back to the volume in his hand.

  
"I can answer that. She was with me." he said vaguely.

  
Blissfully, things were silent again for awhile. Cullen had no retort, and she knew it was because he was aware of the mage's inclinations. Solas, on the other hand, seemed mildly interested in what she could have been doing with him. In the dark. In the dead of night. Sighing a bit to herself, she closed her eyes to hold back the headache that was beginning to form.

  
"Reading." she muttered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Figured I should stick this here. The next chapter is another continuation of this one, split for content. This is a torture warning.


	13. Sell Your Soul (The Lost Year pt. 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Returning to the site of her captivity, Mana relives the events of the lost year. Unfortunately, her friends have to endure not only seeing it, but feeling it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to try and keep the chapters fairly short, so the year passes by rather fast.

Chapter 13: Sell Your Soul (The Lost Year pt. 3)

  
They walked together towards the building remnants, that same almost sick feeling rising inside her. The way she looked almost exactly like a prisoner walking to the gallows. Hard to imagine her so frightened by a simple building. It had to be that some part of her already knew what went on here, just not the part of her that could summon that memory. She stopped, tugging on Cullen's sleeve for a moment.

  
"I have to tell you something.." she whispered urgently.

  
He waited patiently for her to compose her thoughts, delivered after a rather dramatic sigh.

  
"I never meant for you to be here.. I don't know what will happen..I don't want you to see this.." she explained.

  
He shook his head. That ship had sailed a long, long time ago.

  
"I won't go anywhere. If it's important to you, it's important to me." he stated.

  
Turning back, he pressed ahead. She followed reluctantly, wondering to herself when it began to matter so much what people thought about her at all. Everyone gathered around, Dorian gestured toward the last bits of the wall, indicating she should stand there again. He turned her so her back was to him, shaking his head in thought. His first idea was the least troublesome, the very thought of engaging in something like this with someone of the fairer sex incredibly foreign and considerably less pleasurable on both sides.

  
"Do excuse the intrusion." he sighed.

  
Reaching into the rather stylish bag, he pulled out a length of rope, crossing her hands behind her back. Tying it as tightly as he could without physically hurting her, he withdrew a dark cut of fabric, securing it around her eyes. Making a slight effort to lighten the situation, more for herself than anyone else, she laughed nervously.

  
"Ah. Here I am again.." she tried to joke.

  
It felt hollow, even to her. She had no time to wonder what the point was, as it was quickly explained to her.

  
"With any luck, this will work. Really not looking forward to the other options. The idea is to cut off distractions while hopefully inducing the same feelings you likely would have felt then. " he told her.

  
Mio shifted uncomfortably as he watched the situation, taking a slight step back. This didn't go unnoticed, Solas lofting a brow.

  
"Are you.. actually afraid of her?" he asked.

  
He tried to shrug it off, but it was too obvious.

  
"Trust me. There's plenty of reason to be if this goes wrong. You might get a firsthand look, her memories always tend to be.. quite vivid. " he said.

  
"What do you mean by that, a little warning might be nice." the elf asked in a way that invited no more excuses.

  
He bit his lip, for the briefest of moments, resembling his sister. His glance shifted between her and him, tapping his foot anxiously.

  
"How well do you handle pain?" was his only answer.

  
"Quite well, in fact. Why should that question come up?" he insisted.

  
Cullen tore his attention away for a split second, interested in hearing the reason as well, but primarily concerned with keeping the situation as level as possible.

  
"If she remembers, there's a slight possibility we'll be experiencing it too. If she remembers and it upsets her.. just be ready to run. Head for any place she might not look for you, and wait it out. I can slow her down, I can't stop her at that point." he warned.

  
Great. Wonderful to get that heads up before they were locked into a situation so potentially explosive. Dorian waited it out in silence, not wanting to distract her. After some time though, it was obvious that it wasn't working. He untied her wrists, but on her brother's urging, he left the blindfold on, knowing it would help to slow her down for a few moments at least. That it hadn't worked wasn't a total shock, but the next option was more drastic. The last would definitely be frowned upon, and he didn't want to resort to it if he could help it. He pulled out a flask, helping her tilt her head up.

  
"Open your mouth, and drink. Don't spit any of it out, no matter how awful it is.." he told her, his tone severe in a way she had never heard.

  
She did as she was asked, opening her mouth slightly. He put it to her lips, going slow so she wouldn't choke on it. It was truly awful, like she imagined drinking acid would feel like, burning all the way to her stomach. When he pulled it away, she couldn't have been more glad. Aside from the pain in her stomach, it still seemed as though nothing was happening. Falling back, she curled up, gasping like she couldn't breathe.

  
"Mythal protect us all.. I hope you're ready." Mio breathed

  
No time left for questions, a darkness spreading, enfolding them. Everything looked different, an exotic garden, vines climbing down the walls. The trees whole and undamaged, even the ruins looked pristine. What they were looking at finally becoming apparent, her memories, they were seeing what she had lost. An oddly dressed man led her inside, a heavy metal collar chained to handcuffs, a woven sack over her head.

  
"What's with this one?" A different person asked.

  
"Likes to bite. We can stamp it out of her." The initial man assured.

  
"Good, the boss expects her to be ready to go as soon as we can be sure she isn't a threat." A voice said.

  
Mana thrashed upon hearing this, seeing the person at the door pulling out a needle, sticking it into her neck, she fell limp.

  
"Take her down, lock her up for now. Check on her later, after she wakes up." A man instructed.

  
He couldn't be bothered to pick her up, instead dragging her inside and down a sloping hall. Grunting irritably, he chained her to the wall, like he was instructed. A break in the memory, likely because she was unconscious at that point. When it resumed, a burning feeling flashed over their eyes, watching as the sack had been removed, a blinding light flashed at her. The elf immediately lashed out, receiving a kick to the stomach, knocking her back to the ground. Unclear voices spoke, and man kneeling beside her.

  
"If you cooperate, this won't be nearly as bad as it could be. I'd hate to ruin a face as pretty as yours." he said to her.

  
She spat at him, and the act was dropped. Someone handed him a box, which he quickly opened. A woman sat beside them, waiting quietly, her role vague initially as no one addressed her. Putting gloves on, he reached for a small, rounded metal bar. Pressing the tips between his fingers, it began to turn red. This man was a mage as well, it seemed. Yanking her arm forward, he forced it against her skin over and over. She refused to make a sound, holding her breath, despite clear pain displayed in the way her body tensed up, nails scraping her palms.

  
"Are you going to play nice?" he asked.

  
She shook her head, and he lit it up once more, taking her other arm and repeating the act. They were unable to see each other, but the first hint of agony broke through, it sounded like Solas. In the vision, she was shaking, still refusing to give even a slight whimper. Built of tougher stuff than she let on, that was for sure. Her arms were covered, back and front in rounded burn marks before he realized it was getting him nowhere. He gestured to the woman, who ran her hands over the burns, sealing the wounds before they had a chance to begin to scar.

  
"No one wants an ugly elf, we can't leave you with marks, but we can make you miserable." he said aggressively, kicking her back to the floor.

  
He pulled out a small, thin blade next, straddling her waist, he pulled her shirt up, his fingertips brushing against the smooth skin for a moment, making a small incision in her side. She finally gave into the pain, whimpering, trying to cover the wound though he pushed her hands away.

  
"Are you going to play nice?" he asked again, more forcefully this time.

  
Mana again shook her head, and it bothered him. Stubborn as hell, he raised the blade again.

  
"Well, in that case, I'll just take a look at your insides.." he laughed.

  
Pressing it against her skin, he slit from one side to the other, opening like the zipper on a bag. Mio howled in agony, the sounds of sobbing filling the air. It was hard to bare, though being well versed in mental torture, Cullen was able to put it out of his mind for the most part. Admittedly it did little to dull the pains he was feeling as well. It was worrisome that no one could hear Dorian or the Inquisitor. He pressed his fingers into the gash, poking around. Mana cried out, her nails scratching against the cold stone floor. He pointed to the healer again, and she obediently fixed her up once more.

  
"Are you going to cooperate, or will you continue to be a pain?" he grunted.

  
Mana seemed to consider for a moment. Nodding to him, she coughed a few times before sputtering out an answer.

  
"I'll play nice..." she mumbled.

  
Putting the blade away, he closed the bag, passing it to the healer. Standing up, he stared down at her.

  
"Good, now that we're all friends, I'll send someone down to clean all this blood up. If you continue to behave, I'll see that you get something to eat. If you're bad, I'll bring in someone who will straighten you out again." he instructed clearly, turning away.

  
When they left, they saw her grin. It was clear she had told them what they wanted to hear, nothing more. Black again, though unsure whether she had fallen asleep or passed out, waiting for it to pick up. What they saw was surprising. A man they hadn't seen before walked in, pressing a finger to his lips. He whispered in her ear so no one would hear him speaking to her.

  
"I'm here to help. I can't get you out yet, but I have something for you.." he explained.

  
Gesturing to a crack in the edge of the floor, he slipped in a small metal rod and a flat metal piece, well hidden. Sure that she had seen, he sat beside her, looking her over for a moment. This man had medium length blonde hair, and grey eyes, somehow familiar. Pushing the cuffs back slightly, he carefully applied a soothing cream on her now raw skin. She tipped her head back as if silently asking him to put some on her neck. Glancing around cautiously, he rubbed a little medicine on, wiping his hands off. He reached for a tray, frowning a little at the unappetizing meal they had sent down for her.

  
"I'm supposed to make sure you eat, I'm sorry this isn't very good, but you're going to need your strength if you want to get out of here.." he urged, his eyes fixed on hers for a moment.

  
She nodded in understanding, but said nothing still. In her mind, he could be trying to trick her, it could be a trap to see if she would try to run. The man helped her sit up fully, staying with her until she had finished everything. He stood up, turning to leave, when she finally spoke. Her voice was quiet, frightened.

  
"Who are you..?" she asked, lips shaking as the words spilled out.

  
"For you, Nic. It's Nico Trevelyan.. you must have a name. A family that misses you?" he countered quietly.

  
"Mana.. I do have family, but I know they're not looking for me.." she admitted, though she had no idea why she would tell him that.

  
"I see.. well.. try to hold out just a little while longer, I swear to you, you'll get out of this. The guard will be lighter in a few more days, and I can find someone to help get you out.." he told her, walking out before anyone got too suspicious about his lingering presence.

  
Time went by, though there was no way of knowing how long. Despite her promised cooperation, the first man continued to come back from time to time. For the most part, being less gruesome than he had initially been, at one instance, whipping her, shoving her head in a bucket of cold water for a few moments at a time. When she stopped resisting completely, he stopped hurting her. Mana had begun working in secret to unlock the shackles, nearly figuring it out a few times. It was hard, with only a short amount of time at once to work on it. The feeling of determination was strong, as though a sign that she could continue to hold on for a little longer.

  
More time passing, and that man and another accompanying him came through the door. He lifted her head lightly, pointing to his side.

  
"You've been so good, I think you're ready to begin learning your new trade. This poor bastard was the only one brave enough to volunteer. He's got a thing for knife-ears like you." he said, standing up and heading for the door, leaving her alone with him.

He reached for the metal brace around her neck, grabbing a key from his pocket with his other hand.

  
"I find women are more receptive without this.." he said offhandedly, unaware that she was just waiting for him to try something.

  
Unlocking it, she gave it a moment, in case he was, and she was holding her breath, releasing her. He wasted his one chance, reaching down her shirt, the second his hand touched her, she lunged forward, going for his throat. Her teeth dug in deeply, fastened securely around his windpipe. She held on even as he struck her to try and force her to let go. She endured the fierce blows, pulling back when she tasted blood, tearing through the skin. The spatter covering her from the mouth down, dripping onto the shackles, watching as he fell to the ground. Knowing the sound would draw attention, she reached for the tools in the crack, hurriedly jamming them into the lock, pulling and twisting until she heard it click.

  
She hung her head, waiting patiently until the door opened once more. Seeing the dead man on the floor, and her collar next to him, the man panicked, rushing to detain her quickly. Looking up at him, her eyes gleaming in the dim light. Pulling her hands free, the sudden rush of energy too much to contain. Intending only on striking him with a hastily thrown fireball, the force behind it spreading through the room. He turned to run, not getting far before she jumped at him, bringing him to the ground. Little more than a wild animal at this point, she tore into him with all she had, until he too was dead. Seizing her chance to escape, Mana pushed herself to go quickly, despite lingering pains from hunger, fear, and the last remnants of her torture.

  
The sunlight hit her as she cleared the last door, almost blinding after being in the near dark for so long. Turning back, they saw the first displays of her unusual physical strength, watching her strike at the outer walls until her hands were bruised and bleeding, cracks spreading along the wall until it crumbled. Not content until it was completely decimated, she pelted it with every spell she could think of, the area around the once lovely building scorched thoroughly. Considering her weakened state, she collapsed eventually, lying in a heap.

  
"What the hell...it's her, can you reach her?" they heard.

  
A tall woman reached for her then, hefting her over her shoulder. Mana hung limply over her shoulder, too weakened to be any threat at that point. The woman bore curved horns, and bright red hair, pulled back. A Qunari woman? Unusual this far south at the time, though the staff at her back gave a good indication of why she might be here. Tal-Vashoth, staying far away from the chaos in the Marches, most likely. At her side was Nico, continually checking behind them to make sure they were followed until they were concealed in the trees. The woman set her down when they stopped, and Nico leaned over her, checking her for wounds and healing what he found. She had been barely alert the whole time, but she finally spoke.

  
"You came back.." she whispered weakly.

  
He gestured to the woman beside him, smiling kindly. A feeling she held onto for dear life.

  
"I told you I would. This is my friend, Herah Adaar. When I told her about you, she wanted to help.." he told her, seeing the curious, yet nervous look on her face.

  
Herah reached for a flask at her side, helping her sit up. Putting it to her lips, she helped her drink.

  
"Is your clan nearby?" she asked.

  
Mana shook her head.

  
"No, across the sea, in the Free Marches.." she said, keeping what she said to a minimum, not fully convinced this wasn't a set up.

  
They exchanged glances, speaking between themselves for a few moments. When they turned back, it was him that spoke up.

  
"We can get you to a ship, if we hurry we can get on before it leaves port. The Dalish don't like humans much, so Herah will escort you from the ship, and follow you until you get back safely.. " He explained.

  
Certain she couldn't stand on her own yet, she once more scooped her up, setting her on her shoulders. Mana had never seen a Qunari up close, and hoping it wouldn't be an issue, she held tightly to her horns for support. As they moved through the trees, Mana had to ask. The memory itself seemed to take place over a few days.

  
"How long.." she asked quietly.

  
"A year, I'm so sorry I couldn't get you out sooner.." he sighed. It was clear that he was actually upset by it, though she had no idea why he pitied her.

  
"Thank you.." she finally said.

  
The memory ended shortly after, likely because her memories of this place ended in the forest. Finally, they knew what had happened in the time she was away. It was far from an answer as to why she lost her memory in the first place. One by one, they forced themselves to stand, the feeling like a huge weight being lifted. Mio swayed when he stood, dashing off into a nearby bush, the sound of vomiting echoing slightly. Solas got up next, his hands on his head as a pain ripped through his bones. Cullen shook off the lingering pains, striding over to the building to check on Mana. Dorian seemed out of it, snapping out of the fog when he saw the Commander heading towards them. Glancing down, he grabbed her hand, lifting her easily.

  
"Don't touch her yet!" Mio warned a moment too late.

  
It was critical that they give her a short time to process where she was, if she went off.. 

  
Her legs shook, and she pulled her hand away from him, backing up nervously. Ignoring the warning, Cullen reached for her, embracing her tightly.

  
"You really shouldn't!" he urged nervously.

  
He glared at him for a moment, whispering quietly to her.

  
"You're alright, Mana.. I'm here with you.. " he told her.

  
Hearing his voice, she gripped his sleeves tightly. Breathing shakily, he could tell she was still shaken by what they had witnessed, for a few moments, still held firmly in the fear she had felt. Resting her head on his chest, she breathed in slowly, his scent familiar and the feeling of his arms a familiar one. It was the protective sensation she had come to rely on a bit more than was probably smart. He brought a hand up, taking off the blindfold, brushing his fingers through her hair gently. He was about to let her go, but she held him tighter, her eyes revealing a need he hadn't quite seen before.

  
"Don't let me go.." she begged quietly.

  
He nodded, lifting her easily, waiting for her to get a decent hold on him. He looked to the others, her brother most surprised. Everything he knew told him she should have been completely enraged, unstoppably so. That he could calm her down so easily was impressive.

  
"Let's get her out of here, I don't want to put her through anything more.." he ordered.

  
The silence was deafening as they shuffled back. Taking their seats, Solas offered to sit with her, Mio speaking up then.

  
"I think all things considered, we're safer with Cullen looking out for her." he said calmly.

  
"He isn't the only one who cares, if any one of us was unconcerned, it's a safe guess this wouldn't have been on the list of things to do." he responded, a little offended at the idea that he couldn't help.

  
Dorian smirked at this, shaking his head slowly.

  
"Just concern? Not some other reason you want to help her so badly?" he stated, the hint so obvious it failed to go unnoticed.

  
"Does it have to be more than that?" he countered.

  
"I'm sure that's what you wish. Or did you think everyone as oblivious to the way you look at her?" he answered coolly.

  
Keeping his arm around her, he said nothing. Glancing down at her, she settled against his chest once more, closing her eyes. It was apparent she was too tired to engage in the argument, or stop it, as the case might be.

  
"What are you hinting at?" he challenged irritably.

  
"Oh nothing. Just that you seem unaware that you've been ogling her like a dog in heat since I arrived." Dorian laughed.

  
Solas shook his head, offended at the suggestion.

  
"I have done no such thing. My interest in her is strictly confined to friendship. You're imagining some physical desire for her that doesn't exist. " he argued, continuing the heated discussion.

  
"If you say so." he said.

  
"I'm not the one who stayed up with her in the dead of night 'reading'." Solas challenged.

  
Dorian grinned broadly at this.

  
"Are you jealous? 'Why couldn't I be the one receiving that attention' and such? I assure you, the Inquisitor is not my type. She's missing a very critical part, if you understand my meaning." he said.

  
Solas realized what he meant immediately, his attention drawn to the sudden smile on her brother's face. He sighed a little, shaking his head.

  
"I hadn't realized. Well, I am man enough to admit I was wrong about that." he offered.

  
Finally tired of the conversation, Mio spoke up.

  
"I hate to tell you this, in case you had your hopes up. Mana has never had any real interest in Elves." he said, turning his focus to Cullen for a moment. "To be fair, she hasn't really had previous interest in humans either. There are.. exceptions.. to everything, I guess." he finished, looking away quickly.

  
"Her affairs are none of my business." Solas stated.

  
"Maker's breath, can we not discuss her 'affairs' while she's present. I'm sure she'd rather they not be discussed at all." he groaned.

  
It seemed to work, the conversation ceased for a short time. The gentle sounds of her breathing broke through, and Mio heaved a sigh, leaning back. The relief most noticeable in his eyes.

  
"She's asleep.. I'm glad.." he said, turning onto his side.

  
"The trip is rather long, now that we have a chance, it really wouldn't hurt to rest up." Dorian stated, closing his eyes.

  
"A fine idea. I hadn't expected to go through that level of horror.." Solas admitted, attempting to relax.

  
When he was certain no one was looking, he leaned down, kissing her head lightly, holding her just a little tighter. Offering a silent prayer that the rest of her lost memories were less horrible. Giving in, he decided to let his guard down for once, the idea of sleep too strong to ignore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personally, I don't like Trevelyan Inquisitors, but I wanted to add in the other possible choices in the story here and there. Things will be tense for just a little longer. Carry on.


	14. Pain

Business had called Cullen and a retinue of his troops away for extended duty. In that time, Mana had carried on with her own business as best as she could. The nightmares were still happening, though thankfully with less frequency. Returning from her own duties, she made her way to her room. Her travels had taken her to the Fallow Mire, a place that was far from pleasant. Demons, undead, Avvar, and dirty bog water filled with bloated corpses. It rained constantly there, and while the rain washed away some of the mud and sweat away, she still wanted nothing more than to take a bath.

  
The familiar scent of rain and earth clung to her, mildly soothing, though it was offset by the smell of rotten flesh and blood. Not bothering to lock the door, she shuffled slowly towards the bath, turning faucets with a heavy sigh. Mana lazily peeled her clothes off, stepping in and immediately allowing herself to sink under the water. As she came up from under the water, she felt hands against her skin, closing her eyes. Indulging in the way it felt in silence, tilting her head back against the edge, biting her lip gently.   
'Of course it's too good to be true..' she thought, as she reached for the shampoo.

  
Scrubbing the dirt and grime from her hair, losing herself in her thoughts once more. Leaning back, rinsing out the bubbly foam, her mind conjuring images, seemingly to torture her further. She could imagine him there with her, beads of water dripping off him, rolling along his muscles. Washing up slowly, she blushed, able to feel his hands sliding against her. She tried to put it out of her mind, but it was asking too much. Mana missed him, and as hard as it was to admit, she missed a lot more than just his presence. With luck, he was too busy to think of her. In a way, this was a special kind of hell, with it's own brand of pain, the variety that wasn't so pleasant, or in fact gratifying in any way.

  
Shaking her head as if trying to knock the thoughts loose, she splashed the soap away, the hot water easing her sore muscles and melting away the tension. Staying in much longer wouldn't be wise, she knew it wouldn't be long before someone decided to look for her. Reaching for the drain, she forced herself to stand, a thin trail of water following her all the way to the dresser. Drying off felt like too much of a bother, grabbing fresh clothes and dressing slowly. Now that the scent of death and decay had been cleansed away, she settled on going to make her report. Stepping into the hall, a conflicted Leliana approached her.

  
"Ahh, I was just coming to see you." Mana said quietly.

  
"No need, Blackwall gave the report already. I.. have something I need to discuss with you. I don't think you're going to be pleased. " She warned, waving to her in a way that meant she should follow.

  
Leliana led her to the War Room, knowing the sounds of her birds was grating to her. Mana leaned against the wall, the spy staring down at the map in silence for a few moments. A quick glance and she knew a few pieces that were once marked were now gone.

  
"That matter with your clan.. I received the report while you were away." she began, her tone cautious.

  
"I see, and what happened?" she asked, rather calmly.

  
"I'm afraid everyone is dead. Everyone. The city Elves, and your clan." Leliana told her finally.

  
Mana diverted her attention to the floor, not reacting immediately. To believe the Inquisitor didn't care at all about the news would have been believing in a lie. All accounts had marked her as withdrawn since the incident, and distant. It wasn't good for her, and this was just another thing to haunt her.

  
"Did you manage what I asked?" she questioned, as though she hadn't heard what she said.

  
"I did. We mounted it right outside of Wycome. My spies report it's been working to bolster support for the Inquisition. I want to apologize.." she exhaled slowly.

  
She smiled kindly, shaking her head negatively.

  
"Don't. I ordered you to send your men. I didn't think things through and acted hastily. This is entirely my fault. I am the only one who will carry this blame. I have other matters to deal with, but when things settle down more.. I'd like to go. They disowned me out of necessity, it's wrong of me not to honor them in the proper way despite that." she explained quietly.

  
"If you don't mind, I'd like to go with, when you do." She told her. 

  
"I won't tell you that you can't. Though I don't want to take you away from anything important." Mana said quietly.

  
At this, Leliana straightened up, reaching for a pile of reports on the table. When they returned, she had asked her to look into the names she had remembered. If anyone could find them, it was her.

  
"What else was there?" she questioned.

  
"We managed to track them both, he is in Orlais right now, and Adaar was last seen near in Denerim. Which reminds me, I received a letter from your mother, inquiring about you. I haven't written back yet, but it seems that she has been worried about you for quite some time. I'm told the decision to leave you behind wasn't hers." She reviewed.

  
Mana raised an eyebrow at this, but her expression was mostly blank, unwilling to lend it any emotion.

  
"What was the reason?" she asked casually.

  
"She was sent to scout locations ahead of the clan when they prepared to move. As such, the Keeper thought it best she had little contact with you. If something had happened to her, she didn't want you to suffer much. When the Blight hit, she was infected and recruited into the Warden ranks to save her life. She had no choice but to leave the clan. She mentioned missing them often." She sighed, recalling some far off memory.

  
"If you were me, could you forgive her..?" she pressed, folding her arms around herself.

  
"I would. I am not you though, the choice is yours. I'm sure Alistair would appreciate the lessened tension as well." she commented.

  
"What does he have to do with this?" she mumbled, wrinkling her nose slightly.

  
Leliana was a little surprised, especially having overheard the major hint Fiona had once dropped. 'Considering who you are', as though that weren't obvious. Realizing that she may not be familiar with such a human concept, she explained it, quietly, in case anyone was listening.

  
"Your mother is Alistair's wife, yes? Recognized as the Queen or not, that makes Alistair your stepfather.. and you a potential heir. Not strongly, considering he isn't your blood, however.." she explained.

  
Mana hadn't intended to seem dense, but the idea didn't make any sense to her.

  
"So.. he's.. family?" she stumbled, the words repeating in her head over and over as though trying to make sense of it.

  
"In a way, yes." she confirmed.

  
It was too much, finding out both that her mother actually did care, and that somehow, the King himself was 'in a way' family, added with the sudden loss of her clan. It was a huge mess in her mind. She raised her hand, sighing a little.

  
"I.. would like to pick this up another time, I need some time to process everything.." she squeaked.

  
Leliana nodded, it would be a lot to deal with under normal circumstances. For her, in this position, it must have been much worse. Exiting to the main hall, lost in her own thoughts, someone touched her shoulder and she spun around quickly to see who it was. It was Solas. Of course, too much to ask for a little time to herself. He seemed to notice she was preoccupied, an unusual look on his face.

  
"Was there something you needed?" she questioned, a little apprehensive.

  
"I wondered if you might like to talk. You've been through a lot lately, and it's been some time since you and I actually had a conversation.." he replied rather calmly.

  
Mana brought a hand to her forehead, rubbing her brow slowly in thought. What she really wanted was to withdraw to the safety of her quarters, though she didn't want to seem cold.

  
"Sure..I guess it couldn't hurt." she stated finally, waving her hand.

  
He turned back, opening the door to the room he inhabited. The first thing she noticed was that there seemed to be more frescoes than the last time she had been through here. She slowly walked around the room, carefully examining each one.

  
"Do you like them?" he asked.

  
"I do, these are very nice.." she commented quietly.

  
Solas turned his focus to them for a brief moment. He knew each one intimately, having spent many hours working on them.

  
"I'm glad to hear that. They're meant to be a visual record of what you have done." he explained, pausing in front of one.

  
Unsure what to say, she changed the subject to avoid thinking too much about it.

  
"Did you want to talk about anything in particular?" the question was a simple one, but she knew that even simple questions tended to have complex answers.

  
"You've been avoiding everyone for the most part. Are you doing alright?" he inquired, his voice calm.

  
"I'm fine." she lied, hiding it well.

  
He didn't want to push too much, knowing that a nudge in the wrong direction could make her pull away further. Letting the lie slide, he stopped, just behind her. Mana could sense him, hovering close, and it required a lot of effort not to step away. At least she was trying, an improvement over what she had been doing. Throwing herself head first into her work and hiding away when there was nothing to do would just cause people to worry more, and might afford her a lecture when Cullen returned. Neither were good options to her. Lost in her own head again, she failed to notice the way his hand brushed against her shoulder. Turning her to face him, he meant to say something to bring her back again. Something about the way she looked that he couldn't ignore, however.

  
"Mana.." he whispered, reaching for her sides.

  
She gasped in surprise as he pushed her back against the wall, kissing her suddenly. For a few moments, she found herself unable to move, gently pushing him away when the shock wore off.

  
"Solas.. I.. don't know what that was about, but it can't happen again.." she told him firmly.

  
"I apologize. I should have known better.." he admitted, turning away.

  
She headed for the door, stopping when he spoke again.

  
"Do you really not feel anything at all for me?" he questioned.

  
She sighed, unprepared for such a question. She had never had to explain it before, and finding the words to describe the situation was difficult.

  
"I think of you as a valued friend. I can't offer anything more. I.. am already with someone." she told him, rather awkwardly, she realized.

  
He nodded once, turning his attention to the desk in the center of the room.

  
"Cullen, you mean." he said, confirming what he had long suspected but hadn't readily believed.

  
"I.. was led to believe it was obvious.. but yes." she answered, pushing the door open and stepping out.

  
She had no desire to continue the conversation, too confused by what transpired to even begin to know where to sort it out. Mana began to feel a little light-headed, realizing she was stressing herself out too much. The best thing she could do would be to get some rest before her body decided to give out on her. When she woke up, she settled on the idea of finding something to do, anything to get away and take her mind off of everything. Reaching her room, she locked the door behind her, kicking her boots off, all but falling into bed. Hiding her face in the pillow, she closed her eyes, those mental images creeping over her again.

  
It was becoming harder to ignore, not to mention it was uncomfortable for her. She hadn't had thoughts like these since.. not since Haven. It had to be a mix of circumstance, being alone for starters, having the time to actually think of something besides helping someone she didn't know or fighting for her life. Lastly, she imagined the absence of physical contact she had inadvertantly allowed herself to get too used to. Turning onto her back, she rubbed her stomach slightly. She hadn't noticed it before, but she didn't feel very well. Probably nerves, and rest would help that too if only she could get to sleep. There was so much suddenly springing up in her mind, that it was impossible to focus on any individual thought or clear any from her mind either. At the very least, if she couldn't get to sleep, then she had no need to worry about the nightmares. What was it she had heard about taking victories where you can? That was probably what this was, admitting a defeat but finding a silver lining or something.


	15. Return

  
Mana stared into her glass, frowning a bit. The last few days, she hadn't been feeling well, even sleeping hadn't helped. The idea of anything but water was enough to make her feel terrible. Shaking her head, distaste painted on her face, tipping it back before browsing through the paperwork on her desk. Mostly reports that had been passed on to her to read through, which was fine, she guessed. Not everything had to be all fighting and plotting all the time, and at least today, she didn't mind it in the least. What she did mind was the headache that felt like it would rend her very skull, it made it challenging to focus. Digging through her desk drawers, she remembered having a small supply of medicinal herbs drying. Tearing off some of the whitish leaves from one stalk, she didn't bother to grind them down as she might normally, chewing on the crumbling bits. Unfortunate that the effects weren't instant, she would have to deal with it for a time and continue to struggle for a bit.

  
The door opened, her brother trudging up the steps slowly. He looked pretty rough, though she had her doubts it was because he was sick. In fact, she could guess with some degree of certainty the reasoning behind it.

  
"Who was it this time?" she asked dryly, setting the pile of papers down.

  
"You know very well who it was. Same as it has been for a time." he grumbled.

  
Surprising. In what little she could remember, he had never kept the same company more than once. That it was ongoing either meant it was very good, or he had somehow developed feelings for someone other than himself. Smirking, she confronted him on the matter.

  
"Should I be planning a wedding anytime soon, or perhaps I should be donating some of my savings towards getting you a new bed?" she laughed.

  
He narrowed his eyes as he stared at her, a disgruntled sound she couldn't lend a name to being his initial reaction. "I should be asking you that. You never get sick, and yet I hear you've been claiming illness for a few weeks now. You big faker, hiding in here to get out of working." he countered.

  
"That's quite the bold accusation. I can still end you." she hissed.

  
"Aha! See? I knew you were faking it. You're not sick, just moody." he told her.

  
"If you were me, and you had to relive something like that, only to find out it did absolutely nothing to explain why you can't remember anything, wouldn't you be a little irritable?" she challenged.

  
"Fine, fine, that's a fair point you make, but I'm sure that's not the only thing bothering you.." he sighed, wishing that just once, she'd admit to being troubled and open up.

  
"Was there an actual point to you visiting, or are you here to annoy me?" she questioned, though she had to admit, she was glad for the company.

  
"Oh, I'm quite sorry for interrupting. I was under the impression I didn't need a reason to visit my own sister." he said sarcastically.

  
Pushing herself to stand, she shook her head. Taking the few steps towards him, he froze when she embraced him. How long had it been since she last felt okay with making this kind of contact with him. It was both welcome and frightening at the same time. Hesitating, he brought his arms around her, taking a deep breath. As much as he wanted to know the reasoning for this, he also didn't want to risk pushing her away again by making a stupid comment. If he played the situation to his advantage, he might even be able to regain the way they used to be. Opting to remain quiet, he lightly rubbed her back, surprised when she spoke.

  
"You don't need a reason. Though I admit I thought this would feel strange, but it's.. nice." she said.

  
"I.. don't suppose you remember anything, about us, I mean?" he asked, not wanting to influence what she might recall by telling her too much. Too easy to plant false memories by giving detail.

  
"I'm.. not sure. I think I remember some things, but it's fuzzy, like looking at it through a dirty window.. I don't get the feeling we argued quite as much as we do now.." she sighed, shaking her head. It wasn't coming back any clearer.

  
"It will come back to you, I'm sure of it. You're right though. We didn't argue much, never really had much reason to.." he said.

  
She let him go, looking away, and bit by bit, he could see that wall starting to come up again. Frowning a little, he ruffled her hair slightly.

  
"You don't need to worry so much. I'll try harder not to keep you out." she said, refusing to look at him.

  
"I hope not. You're kind of stuck with me." He paused, looking back towards the door. "That's probably the reason I really came by, right there."

  
The door opened again, and she immediately drew her focus to it, curious to see who it was. Mio grinned broadly, moving out of the way in anticipation. Cullen had returned, smiling when he saw her, not managing more than a few steps before she flew at him, holding onto him tightly. Laughing warmly, he slid his arms around her waist, resting his head against hers for a moment.

  
"I missed you too." he said, as though reading her thoughts.

  
Her brother had somehow expected that kind of reaction, and yet, seeing it was strange. It had been so long since he last saw her that happy to see anyone. Still, he had a way of bringing out that old side of her, almost as if somehow, he could do the impossible. Cullen looked at him for a moment, tilting his head a little. Mio excused himself, taking the cue and leaving quickly, he could probably find some kind or trouble to get in, and she would surely want to be left alone with him. When he was certain he was gone, he leaned down, kissing her, his hands resting on her hips loosely. Even just a few weeks away had felt like months, glad to be back, if only to see her. Pulling away slowly, he sighed some, looking her over in silence. She bit her lip lightly, letting it go after a moment.

  
"I imagine you must be tired.. " she murmured.

  
Moving down once more, he nipped lightly at her ear, denying it. "I'm a lot of things right now, tired isn't one of them. Though, I should wash up before anything else. " Glancing back to the door in thought, he seemed almost shy suddenly. "I.. don't suppose you want to join me?"

  
Turning her focus to her gloves, blushing as she picked at the loose threads, she nodded once, following him quietly. Closing the door behind her, he shook his head with a sigh.

  
"Maker.. you're beautiful..I still don't see how I could be so lucky.. " he said, brushing a hand through her hair.

  
"Ahh.. please.. I'm really nothing special.." she insisted, her cheeks reddening with embarrassment.

  
Bending to turn the faucets, musing to herself how he hadn't been there even an hour and he already had her heart beating harder. He certainly never failed to make her feel better, no matter what the situation was. When she looked back, it was mildly surprising to see he had already shed his clothes, a slight shiver racing through her spine as she followed the lines of muscle from his chest to his hips, forcing her attention away nervously. His hands pulled at the edges of her shirt, easing it away from her, letting it fall to the floor. It was a confusing mix of reactions all rolled into one, on the one end, it was too much, she could have managed on her own, but on the other side of things, the thought of him stopping was worse. Rough palms slipping down her sides, pushing her bottoms down, she felt his breath against the back of her neck.

  
"I'm beginning to wonder if a bath is really what you want.." she said with a nervous laugh.

  
Biting gently, he slowly slid his hand under the band of her panties, brushing against her thighs teasingly.

  
"I'm asking myself the same thing, believe me.." he remarked, watching her bend once more to turn the water off.

  
They'd never get anything accomplished like this. Pulling his hand away, letting her take over the task of undressing, knowing she'd be a bit quicker about it without his help.

  
"I..uh.. it's ready.." she observed.

  
He hadn't quite recalled her being _this_ shy before he left, but it was sweet in its own way. That image of her as a monster still didn't seem to fit, even as uncontrollable as she was supposed to be, she listened to him with very little prompting, the hallmarks of an otherwise reasonable girl. Stepping in, he reached out to help her, gently bringing her down next to him. It was obvious she was still nervous, the tension almost visible.

  
"You can relax, I'm not planning on hurting you. Not intentionally, anyway. " he said, bringing his hand to his neck.

  
"I'm not worried. I can handle it." she stated, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible smut warning on the next chapter.


	16. Break Time, Bath Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mana and Cullen get sidetracked. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is.. a rather short chapter, pure smut. Sorry, but not really.

Cullen lightly brushed her hair to the side, wet hands grasping her shoulders to pull her back against him. Her eyes fluttering shut the moment his mouth pressed against the back of her neck, the soft flick of his tongue inciting a shiver. Covering her breasts, fingers sweeping across her nipples, eliciting a sharp breath. It was maddening having her back to him, her ever shifting expression something he treasured. It was no great mystery what he wanted, already uncomfortably hard. This close, it would be so easy to sink into her, and yet waiting a little longer was excruciating in an all too pleasurable way. Wandering lower, inch by inch, stopping at her thighs. Scraping along the sensitive area, her breath catching, hips bucking, the movement gliding his pulsing shaft across her, likely unintentional. It was rare for him to do things like that, always holding back out of concern, and yet the reddening marks didn't hurt so much as excite her further.

  
Mana turned her head slightly, glancing at him, a pink tinge spread over her cheeks, lower lip trapped between her teeth. Looking away, diverting her focus to her hands, he took the opportunity she presented. Splitting her thighs apart, steadily guiding her back onto him, a hushed whimper slipping past him. She held her hands over his, caught off guard by how easily he moved her, counter to the way he moved under her. In an effort to help somehow, she leaned forward, eyes squeezed shut like the idea of looking might strike her blind. The sounds of their bodies clashing echoed in the small room, accompanied by agitated splashing. Her reflexive twitching evoking a groan, his grip loosening as he brought his hands up to rest slightly above her hips. Clenching her tightly, holding back just enough in the force of his thrusts to avoid jolting her forward. Sound catching in in her throat, it was unlike anything he could describe, except to say it was like a siren's call, alluring, enrapturing.

  
Striking at just the right angle, a sudden weakness overcame her for a split second. Panting shakily, he felt the familiar spasms that meant she had finally let go. Normally, he might have given her a few moments to rest, so he didn't overwhelm her raw senses, but this was hardly normal, and he was nearing his own limit, stopping wasn't part of the plan at this point. Tension building almost uncontrollably, spreading like electrical shocks down his spine, he held her back tightly, twisting her hips very slightly to the sides. Shuddering with the sudden release, he gasped, realizing he had been holding his breath. Hit so hard by the aftershocks that he found himself unable to move for a little bit. When he could, he reluctantly pulled away, slipping a hand around, stroking her back lightly, attention briefly drawn to the red marks on her skin where his fingers had pressed a tad too hard. Leaning back against the edge of the bath, he ran his hand through his hair, closing his eyes.

  
"We should start over. I think we can manage to finish this without anymore distractions.." he said.

  
That was right, they hadn't gotten around to cleaning up, she had very nearly forgotten about it. Mana giggled quietly, nodding once. "Well, if you feel like.. 'distracting' me again later, I wouldn't mind..." she said.

  
"Is that so?" he asked, bringing her towards him once more. "I may take you up on that.. "


	17. Adagio - The Slow Movement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lull in business brings news.

The day had barely started, and already it felt long and boring. It was like the rest of the world outside the walls had ceased to exist, no great matter to handle, no news, nothing. Mana had grown accustomed to being on the go, and with nothing to do, it was a struggle to keep still. Despite having people to tend to the cleaning, she had rearranged her things, dusted the shelves, scrubbed the floors, and a list of other things already. Though she assumed it was the absolutely disgusting nature of the breakfast that had been served, she hadn't managed to keep it down, and had given up on trying. Lately, it had become almost normal, even certain smells had triggered waves of sickness. The weather hadn't been especially different, and yet she was certain it was just some manner of illness that was going around.

  
She had even passed on a few of the weekly games, in favor of resting in whatever spare time given to her. Out in the yard for the fresh air, Mio had caught up with her, though she felt he had little reason to.

  
"Should you be out of bed so soon?" she asked.

  
"Haha, funny. I don't live in bed, you know. I try to keep it confined to night time as much as I can." he corrected.

  
"That's unfortunate for you." she sighed, wondering what he could possibly want.

  
Crossing her arms, he gathered she wasn't in the best of spirits. Upon closer inspection, she did look rather pale, an accomplishment considering how tan she was. Leaning in, he spoke quietly.

  
"You don't look so good. Are you still not feeling better?" he asked.

  
Shrugging, she shook her head. "Not really, but I'll be fi.." she paused a moment, taking a deep breath in an effort to quell the sudden nausea threatening her. "As I was saying, I'll be fine."

  
Lips curling into a smirk, he ruffled her hair, laughing when she slapped his hand away. He knew very well she had always hated it, said it made her feel like he was treating her like a kid.

  
"I'm sure you will. Not for awhile though." he said.

  
"What do you mean by that? More importantly, why can't you just ever say anything straight?" questioning with a small hint of irritation.

  
Scratching his chin for a moment, he shifted his weight onto his other leg, frowning. "Surely even you're not that dense. I think you know very well what I'm hinting at."

  
Thinking about it, she realized exactly what he meant, waving her hands in denial. "No. That's not it." she didn't even stop to consider it for a moment.

  
"No? Why don't you think so?" he pried.

  
"I don't know.. it.. just isn't that." she answered.

  
There was no reason it _couldn't_ be true, It was only that it felt like something that shouldn't be possible.

  
"Let's see.. you've definitely had sex, been avoiding the kitchen like the plague, and when you do walk by, you run off. Guessing that means you've been getting sick a lot. Out of breath fairly easily..look tired all the time.. Oh, let's not forget that you suddenly _don't_ dislike me. The signs are there, you're choosing to overlook them." he sighed. "My dear little sister is growing up.."

  
Frustrated by the insinuation, she socked him in the shoulder, frowning. Those symptoms could mean almost anything, it didn't have to be _that._

  
"I'm not, okay?" she groaned, scraping her fingers through her hair slowly.

  
"So.. are you going to tell him?" he asked.

  
"There's nothing to.." she started.

  
"Tell me what?" Cullen asked suddenly.

  
Mana jumped in surprise. She hadn't noticed him around, the whole thing like he had just appeared out of nowhere at the right moment. Or the wrong one, depending on how it was viewed.

  
"Nothing.. there's nothing to tell." she insisted, crossing her arms.

  
Mio smirked, turning to face him. Mana desperately reached to cover his mouth, but he pulled away.

  
"Mana's pregnant." he told him, all too calmly.

  
Upset by what she perceived as betrayal, she drew her foot back, kicking the back of his knee. Mio dropped easily, staring up at her. "Glad to see you.. ow.. haven't.. ahh.. lost your touch.." he winced, rubbing furiously at the spot.

  
Cullen looked at her, his expression too hard to read, perhaps a mixture of different things that only served to confuse her. Bracing herself for a huge outburst, it caught her off guard when he didn't yell.

  
"Is that true?" he asked quietly.

  
Shrugging a shoulder, she directed her eyes to her hands, though he reached for them immediately. Clearly an effort to make sure she didn't ignore the question entirely.   
"I don't know, maybe.." she mumbled, trying to distract herself.

  
"She won't admit it, but it seems pretty obvious to me." Mio chimed in.

  
Mana tried to pull away, but he pulled her closer. "What's gotten into you? You act like you're.. afraid of me.." he let go then.

  
It made all too much sense. Of course she had reason to be concerned. Though he had thought she knew better by now.

  
"I thought it might upset you.." she answered, taking a deep breath.

  
"I'm not going to hurt you, I would never.. I couldn't.." he trailed off.

  
He hesitated, reaching out, hand coming to rest on her stomach, though by her reaction it seemed to make her mildly uncomfortable. Remembering what they saw, that too, made sense. It was probably a source of anxiety for her. Even though there were no scars to remind her, reliving it had kept it fresh in her mind. Grinning slightly, Mio flicked a wave as he walked off.

  
"I'll leave you two alone. I'm sure you have plenty to talk about, you don't need me around." he stated, surprisingly quick in his effort to get away.

  
For a short time, she had to wonder how someone so odd could truly be her brother. Before she could think about it too much, Cullen diverted her attention back to him.   
"I still don't understand why you think I'd be mad. I mean.. it was probably going to happen sooner or later." he sighed.

  
Good thing at least he figured it would. She hadn't really considered it, a complete surprise to her. Focused entirely on unravelling the mystery of what happened and why she couldn't remember had taken so much of her thoughts that it hadn't seemed possible for something like this to happen. That was assuming she actually was. If it was true, that left one very big problem. There was so much left to do, and this would definitely not help matters. Whatever divine force had a hand in this absolutely had the worst sense of humor.

  
Someone approached her, and she sighed, a hand propped on her hip. "What do you want?" she all but shouted. Maybe Mio was right, she was a little bit irritable, it seemed.   
"I'm sorry, Your Worship, I've got a message for you.." the man said, handing it to her.

  
Bowing slightly, he left as quickly as he had arrived. Regretting the outburst, she opened the letter, her head dropping back with a frustrated groan. "Why not. No, this is just perfect. Always something coming up at the worst time.."

  
"Are you going to be alright?" Cullen asked hesitantly.

  
"I'll be fine.. some sort of private meeting in a few days. Guests on the way.." she murmured.

  
"Guests? Does it say who?" he asked.

  
"No, but it looks pretty official.. I could guess, but if it's who I think it is, I.. will you come with me? I don't think I'm ready to deal with it alone." she admitted.

  
Odd for her to be so bothered by a simple meeting. Nodding slightly, he pulled her just a little closer, bringing his hand to her back comfortingly. "You've got enough to deal with already. I won't press for details, but remember not to push yourself too much.. " he lectured.

  
In a way, she hated that he was so understanding. It would have been easier to deal with if he had complained, maybe yelled a little, but no. He had to be nice, concerned for her. It was too much to process all at once. Exhaling slowly, she pulled away from him, heading towards the hall.

  
"I'm sorry, I think I need to rest, I don't feel so well.." she excused herself, her pace slower than she meant it to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was short. I'll get things sorted.


	18. The Meeting

Sitting back on the couch, he followed her pacing with a sigh. It had been like this all morning, digging through her drawers, spending forever fretting about what to wear and if she looked presentable or not. Now that she was reasonably sure she was appropriately attired for a meeting with the mystery guests, she couldn’t sit still.

“Maybe you should sit down. You’re making me dizzy…” he said, looking away finally.

She shook her head but didn’t stop, curling her hands into the skirt of the dress she had chosen. “I can’t. If I stop, I’ll make myself dizzy.” She insisted.

Cullen sighed again, holding a hand out towards her. She hesitated, but took it allowing him to pull her down across his lap. Pressing his lips against her ear, he spoke calmly, in a whisper.

“Mana… I’ll be right there with you; you don’t need to worry so much.” He assured her.

There wasn’t much time to think about it, a knock on the door signaling that it was time for her to meet her “guests”. Getting up slowly, she took the stairs as though it were the first time she’d ever seen them. Pulling at the dress in places, she frowned, squirming uncomfortably. Every inch of fabric made her itch, and it had nothing to do with the material, but with the outfit itself. Mana was fairly certain she had never worn a dress before, and this was probably why. Truly, she preferred something she could move in, the idea of being able to stretch and slide easily in whatever she wore was stuck in her mind.

Having spent so much time complaining to herself mentally about the dress, they had arrived at the room faster than expected. It was as though she momentarily forgot how to do anything, Cullen pushing the door open, his foot keeping it propped open, bringing his hands to her hips and pressing her forward. It made sense to be nervous, but this, this was worrisome. Letting the door go, he led her to a chair, relaxing finally when she sat on her own. Moving to sit next to her, a voice spoke, unidentified as she couldn’t see who it was at first.

“I was given to understand this was to be a private meeting. “the man said.

She cleared her throat, authority pronounced in her words. “I apologize, but if he has to leave, then I won’t be staying either.”

Conferring with someone for a moment, the man took a seat. Light casting on his features, she realized immediately who it was. Her guess had been correct, at least in part. The King, staring between the two of them for a moment. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to see you again. You’re looking better, at least.” He commented.

He pulled the chair next to him out, reaching a hand out. A second figure took it, taking a seat. She was almost completely sure who it was, but before she could say anything, Cullen spoke.

“Ah. It’s been awhile.” He said simply.

Mostly in the shadows, a lock of bright red hair tumbled into view. Mana realized her mouth had gone completely dry, her throat feeling uncomfortably tight. Adjusting her chair, her face illuminated. Mana shook her head, standing up and heading for the door without a word.

“Don’t go…” she said.

Gritting her teeth for a second, she turned on her heel. Her voice was quiet, but held a carefully restrained anger, barely quelled. “Ten years. You’ve had ten years to come look for me, and you didn’t. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t go.” She challenged.

“I love you, I always have. Isn’t that reason enough?” she asked.

“Love me, ha! How can you love someone you don’t even know?” she countered.

“Mana, I understand why you’re upset, but at least hear them out, please?” he asked.

Her eyes were like little red jewels, narrowing slowly. It felt like she didn’t have a lot of choice. She couldn’t say no to him. Taking a deep breath, she took her seat once more, glad when he reached to hold her hand. Soothing, something she desperately needed at that moment, a sensation like snapping strings overcoming her briefly. Cullen seemed to be the only one capable of calming her down no matter the situation, and she was very glad he agreed to come with her.

“Speak then. Tell me what was so important that you felt the need to tear the King away from his business.” She grumbled.

“I came by choice. I wanted to see the woman leading the Inquisition up close, under less tense circumstances.” Alistair interjected.

“I apologize for this then, but it won’t be much better this time. I’ve been through hell, and instead of her being the one to help me, I had to rely on complete strangers.” She took a breath, nodding to Cullen. “I’d have fallen apart without him. Even after all this time, that woman just couldn’t be bothered. “

Alina hung her head, nodding slightly. “I should have tried harder, but I didn’t think you’d accept it even if I did. Though… if you truly didn’t care, why are you wearing the necklace?” she sighed.

Her fingers reached up on instinct, it had slipped her mind that she had it on. She wanted to be angry, to yell, but she was absolutely right. Some part of her wanted to forgive everything, as Leliana had said she would if it were her. Pressing her hand to her head for a moment, she took a deep breath, a headache sneaking up on her, pounding against her skull as if to punish her.

“Does it really matter why?” she questioned quietly.

“I suppose not. It’s something anyway.” She said, her eyes flicking to her hand. “It seems I’ve missed more than I meant to.”

Mana pulled her hand away as if she had been burned, realizing she had left her gloves back in the room. Hiding it under the table, she looked away. “A-anyway…” she mumbled.

“Bit late to try and hide it now, but I admit it makes more sense as to why you insisted he come with you. “she spoke lightly.

In her struggle to think of something to say, she found herself realizing how much they looked alike. It was strangely comforting to know that, but at the same time, she tried to hold onto the grudge she had been holding, trying to be bothered by it. Cullen let go of her hand, bringing it under the table, glancing at her briefly as his hand rested on her stomach. Like he was trying to tell her to calm down, in truth, the last thing she wanted was to be sick right now.

“Even were it not so, I would have wanted him here. I wasn’t ready to see you, not yet. Though I do regret being quite so angry. Not that I’m not still, or that it was completely unintentional.” She mumbled, struggling to string her thoughts together.

“We all do things we don’t mean when we’re upset. Don’t worry so much. It’s bad for the baby.” Alina said.

Mana frowned at this, tensing up, directing her attention to the table between them. Neither of them had mentioned it. “Oh, no, I’m not…” she began.

She shook her head, cutting her off. “Headache, mood swings, you look like you haven’t been sleeping well. I’d bet sovereigns that you’re not feeling well.” She stated.

It was truly starting to bother her that everyone was drawing the same conclusion based on a few coincidental symptoms. It was probably just a bug; she was sure of it. Glancing at Cullen for a moment as though asking for help, he shrugged. “That doesn’t mean anything, I’m just sick is all.” She grumbled in denial.

Alistair leaned back in his chair, turning his attention to Cullen briefly. “Well, congratulations!” he said, a small smile on his face.

Shaking her head more insistently then, she reaffirmed her statement. “I’m sick, it’s no big deal.”

Alina laughed a little. “I said the same thing when the Keeper said I was. Then I had you.” She said, resting her head on her hand. “He seems considerably happier about the news then you, though.”

Mana put her head on the table. This was becoming a circular conversation, and the hope that she might disappear crossed her mind a few times. Stealing a quick peek, she noticed he _was_ smiling a little. Well, either way, she was reasonably sure that she’d eventually get better, and prove them wrong. There was a tinge of guilt over that thought, the idea that it might disappoint him was a bit sad. Trying to distract from the topic at hand, she turned her attention to Alistair for a moment.

“So… let’s get this out of the way. What am I supposed to call you, please tell me it’s not ‘Daddy’?” She grumbled.

He burst out laughing at that, and it struck her as odd. He pointed across the table before answering. “Save that for him.”

Taking another deep breath, she had to work hard to resist the urge to slap him. He was supposed to be important, she couldn’t smack him like she might with Mio.

“Call me whatever you want. That’s your choice, though Alistair works fine. It’s my name, you know?” he said, joking.

Dear gods, he was _that_ kind of person. Another person who thought they were hilarious, it was like a plague. Tipping her head back in defeat, she idly massaged her brow, frowning a bit. This was going to be the longest meeting she’d ever attended, if it could actually be called that…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to decide if this is going to be a multiple part chapter, I may come back to it, or move on.


	19. At Last, A Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mana's meeting is cut short by the arrival of Trevelyan and Adaar. The reason for her memory loss is finally explained.

A knock on the door managed to steal away her attention. Just the excuse she needed to end this quickly. Opening it, a messenger stood there, bowing slightly.

“Your Worship, I’m supposed to let you know Adaar and Trevelyan have arrived. “she said.

“Thank you, I appreciate it.” She replied, waiting until she was out of sight, closing the door.

A smug grin crossed her face, raising her shoulders in a half-hearted shrug. “I regret to say that I need to see to this matter. I will have to cut this short.” She stated.

Cullen sighed, and a tinge of regret hit her. It was possible he had hoped they’d get along better. It was far too much to ask of her just yet. A willingness to put more effort into it later on, maybe. Outright reconciliation, when she still had little to go on and more pain than she could handle as it was. Alistair and Alina exchanged glances for a moment before he turned to face her, countering her grin with an almost disturbingly wide smirk.

“Ahh, don’t concern yourself with it. We’ve made arrangements before we left. We’ll be staying here for a few days, at least. As far as Fereldan goes, there’s nothing at present to worry about besides _fade rifts and demons_. You might want to get on that.” He said.

Well played. A superb maneuver that she couldn’t evade, not only did he ruin her idea of escaping unscathed but actually managed to turn it around on her. She wasn’t prepared for such a response, a bit flustered as she struggled to find just the right thing to say. Of course, she couldn’t. Standing, they excused themselves, but not before he spoke yet again.

“I expect your presence for tea tomorrow morning.” He said calmly.

Despite the way he said it, she could tell it was an order. The kind she wasn’t prepared to refuse. Sighing, she nodded once, fidgeting with her hands again. It felt like if she wasn’t willing, he would exert his authority to make her spend time with that woman. Hardly fair, but she had to admire the backbone. Every story she had heard of him before he became king often involved a large reluctance to even take the throne, and a generally soft and squishy demeanor. Cullen stood up, his hand resting on her side, concern the only obvious thing that showed.

“I know that must have been rough for you. It’s not going to be easy, but I would hope you’ll keep trying.” He sighed.

Even he was pushing it, but at least it appeared that he had personal history of some sort with both of them. Maybe he could at minimum, share his opinions on them. For now, though, she had yet another meeting to get to. One that hopefully would yield more satisfying answers.  Gesturing to the door, she glanced back briefly, opening it once more, but not leaving right away.

“I should get going. With luck, maybe I can learn a little more about what happened…” she said.

“Would you mind if I accompanied you? I’m not terribly busy just yet, and if you should happen to get the answers you seek, it would save the trouble of telling me about it later if I’m there with you.” He persisted.

“If you’d like to come with, I’m not going to tell you no.” she said with a laugh.

Following behind her, they walked through the halls and out towards the gate. She hadn’t been provided with a location, but if they had just arrived, that was the most likely place to find them. True enough, they had just come through, and much to her surprise, the man called Nico dropped his things, dashing towards her, hands pressing to her cheeks, twisting her head to the sides to take a good look. It was a bit of an uncomfortable reaction given that she hadn’t remembered much about him aside from what she had seen.

“Wow, you really haven’t changed. Looking well, though.” He said.

Herah slowly walked over, having picked up his things so they wouldn’t be in the way.

“Nice place you got here.” She observed.

“Thanks. They say it’s mine, but in truth, I mostly just sleep and boss people around. I don’t do any of the upkeep.” She admitted.

“I hear you’re important now. Important people aren’t supposed to concern themselves with upkeep.” She answered.

“Is there somewhere you’d like to talk, in particular. I’d like you both to be comfortable. I’m reasonably certain someone could take your things for you?” she offered.

Nico glanced towards Herah, and she set everything down. He shrugged, looking around curiously. “Could use a drink, it’s been a long trip.”

Tavern then, probably second floor. Fewer people there, and less inclined to listen in. Cullen waved someone over to carry their things, following her lead as she walked towards the small bar.

“I think it goes without saying, but it’s tea or milk for you…” he told her.

There it was. She had been expecting this for a short time now, but to be honest she expected it much sooner.

“Yes, of course…” she mumbled nervously.

Herah smiled a little. “Ahh, expecting a little one?” she asked.

She sighed a bit, laughing slightly. “I have a drinking problem.” She countered.

Cullen shook his head, wondering why she was being so stubborn about it. “She does not.” He denied.

“A real shame. I could use one about now. Today has already been taxing.” She said.

Opening the door, she walked up the steps and around to an empty table. Cullen took a seat beside her, and Herah and Nico took the other side. Kicking back, they waved for drinks.

“So, I heard you lost your memory. I can’t say as I’m surprised. Relieved that at least some part of you hasn’t forgotten us also.” He said.

Staring at her clasped hands, she nodded. “I… had hoped you might be able to give me anything. Something to go on as to why I can’t remember. The trail went cold after the forest.” She stated.

Herah crossed her arms then. “You just want something to go on? I can give you something better. I know exactly what happened.” She said.

The drinks came rather quickly, a small sigh of disappointment escaping at the tea she was presented with. It wasn’t the tea itself, but that she wanted something else.

“I’d love to hear it, whatever it is.” She added.

Herah reached across the table, parting her hair at the side. “Bring your hand up here.” She instructed.

Hesitantly, as though afraid something that hadn’t been there before might explode from her head and bite her, she brought her hand up. Grabbing it loosely, she pressed it to a raised spot. “Do you feel that?” she asked.

All the times she had run her fingers through her hair, she had never once bothered to check her head very closely. There hadn’t been a reason to, and she hadn’t felt anything suspicious before. Cullen took a look at what she was indicating.

“Maker, what the hell happened?” he asked.

That kind of reaction did nothing to ease her mind, in fact it worried her even more. What could be so bad? She would have to look for herself when a chance presented itself. Sitting back down, she folded her arms to her chest once more.

“When we got off the ship, we were attacked. Bandits, I think. Stray arrow caught you in the head. Nico had followed that far, at least. He got it out and I patched you up as best as I could. Seemed fine enough for a time. I dropped you off with your clan. Came back a few days later to see how you were doing, and it was like a different person. You were frightened, jumpy. Hostile. I guessed getting hit like that was enough to make most people nervous.”

She explained.

Of course. It made some kind of sense, more than the bits and pieces she had pulled at to get what little she had managed to dig up. The reason was known now, and yet, she was no closer to getting her memories back.

“Thank you for telling me. Even if I can’t remember what I’ve lost, it helps to know why. I do hope you’ll be staying for a while. I’d… like to get to know you both. Again, I guess.”

Nico laughed a bit, taking a drink before he spoke up. “Well, here’s the thing. We’d like to join up. The Inquisition, I mean. If you’ll take us. My family has connections I can use, and Herah here, she’s part of a mercenary company that would be completely at your disposal as well. “he stated.

Mana looked to Cullen to see what he thought. He smiled a little, shaking his head at her. “You’re the Inquisitor. It’s your call.” He said.

It required very little thought. Reaching a hand out, she shook theirs firmly. “Well then. Welcome to the Inquisition. I’ll make sure your accommodations are seen to. I look forward to working with you.” She said formally.

“Likewise, Mana.” He said.

At the very least, the day hadn’t been a total loss. Her mood was looking up, and as such, she somehow mustered the strength to perhaps even be civil at tea the next morning. Amazing what a little information could do.


	20. Fresh Beginnings

Leaning over the dresser, Mana stared into the mirror. The face staring back at her was the same as it always had been, with a slight sense of apprehension. Pulling her hair to the side, she saw the scar for the first time. It was jagged, raised and wide. Thinking back, she tried to capture the moment that she had gotten it, but as always, failed in the attempt. Herah said she was different after the injury, hostile, and perhaps that had much to do why she felt no special attachment to her clan or her brother. Her anger towards her mother still made sense, and yet she wondered if she had ever been kinder on that situation. Straightening the collar of her shirt, she sighed to herself, walking across the room and down the steps. Cullen was already busy with work, and the thought of facing that woman alone was terrifying.

* * *

 

Taking a seat across from her in the garden, she frowned.

“Alistair decided not to come this time?” she asked.

“He thought we might get on better if he stayed behind.” Alina sighed.

So she was nervous too. Trying to look at it objectively, had she been absent from a child this long, it would make her wary also. Perhaps she didn’t feel like there was a point to trying to make peace. Removed from the bitter anger she had held, she felt nothing still, absolutely nothing. If she didn’t even make an attempt, she’d only get a lecture, the least she could manage was surely civil conversation.

“Hero of Ferelden, hm? What was that like?” she asked, trying to pick a topic that didn’t involve her.

Alina seemed uncomfortable, but poised to answer. It looked like she was considering what to say about it.

“It was horrible, but also wonderful. I met a lot of people, and saw many places. Most had been touched by the Blight, but what wasn’t was nice. Had it not happened, I never would have met Alistair. I only wish the circumstances had been different. I’m sure by now you’ve heard I had little choice to become a Warden, I was tainted, and had I refused, I wouldn’t have lived long.” She said, her fingertip tracing the edge of her cup.

“I heard something to that effect. Leliana felt it was relevant to tell me that much. She likes you well enough, defended you quite firmly.” She told her, turning her attention towards the flowers growing in the garden.

“I’m not surprised. Leliana is one of the few friends I made. In fact, perhaps my best friend, it was… a little more once upon a time.” She admitted quietly.

“What of Cullen, it sounded like you knew him as well.” Mana tipped her head back after a moment.

“Oh yes, Leliana, Alistair and myself have been acquainted with him for some time now. Not well, perhaps, but we met him when he was still serving in the Circle. At the time, he was… in a bad way. Things had went to hell all around us, and he was bitter. He seems a good man, but at the same time, I had hoped for better for you. I don’t like what I saw then, and I worry for you.” She told her, taking a sip finally.

Hearing that said of the man she loved hurt, more than it should have. “Mother” she began, saying the word before she could stop herself. “Cullen is a fine man. He has never treated me unfairly, and he’s the one connection I’ve made that feels completely real. Even Mio, I don’t remember him, I believe him when he says he is my brother, and I trust that he wouldn’t lie to me, but it’s shaky at best. It’s all just gone, and even so, even without my memories, he still managed to love me. I can’t bring myself to care about what he did before, he’s not that same person anymore.” She said, forcing herself to be quiet in tone so as not to get too flustered.

“You need not defend him to me. I saw the way he looked at you, and the way you looked at him as well. I would have warned you if I thought you needed it, but you’re a strong girl, you don’t need protection anymore.” She said, reaching to brush the hair from her face.

Mana flinched, but didn’t pull away, allowing the contact. One thing was bothering her more than anything, and though she was certain she wouldn’t tell her, she had to ask.

“My father. Who was he?” she asked.

“Ahh, I was hoping this wouldn’t come up. I swear, I don’t have an answer for you. If I knew, I would tell you…” she sighed.

There it was, no great love story, no fond memories. It really was an accident, it sounded like, and somehow that hurt more than anything. Taking a sip of her tea, she turned her eyes towards her hands, unsure how to process the information. If she had to keep up a conversation, it was imperative to switch the topic before she only got angrier about it.

“What’s he like? The one time I met him before was at Redcliffe, and I gather he isn’t usually quite so strict.” Her expression was fairly blank as she made the inquiry.

“He’s different, in a good way. When I met him, it was hard to tell what he thought about anything, always trying to be funny. Eventually, he opened up a little more, and I got to know who he really was. The idea of being King didn’t appeal to him, but he’s proven to be fair and capable. It was actually him who encouraged me to talk with you and try to get to know you. I was convinced you would never speak to me, but he swore you seemed like a good girl, one in a tough spot who had to make hard calls. In fact, he mentioned to me that you allied with the mages, and that he was proud of you for it. He hated having to force them out, and that you so willingly took them in or imposing restrictions unfairly was quite a mature thing to do.” She explained to her, smiling a bit as she drank her tea.

“I see. I guess I didn’t know he felt that way, I assumed he was rather upset that I made that call. Few found my decision without flaw. Leliana didn’t have a problem with it, I guess, but very few others felt the same.” Mana sighed, looking away. “Look. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to give you a chance, but realize if you hurt me again, you can forget me entirely. I won’t hesitate to do the same.”

Alina’s eyes began to water, and it made her uncomfortable in a way she couldn’t explain. The only reason she gave in, she told herself, was for the sake of others. Cullen, Alistair, even Leliana. Anyone but her, Mana wasn’t quite prepared to admit that she wanted to get to know her more. Far easier to convince herself that she didn’t like her and that it was only to avoid a lecture.

“Thank you. You won’t regret this, I promise you.” Was all she could manage.

If that was true, then why did she feel like it was a mistake already? Perhaps it was a lingering mistrust of her intentions, or maybe it was simply that trusting people in general had become a challenge.

“We’ll see, won’t we?” she mumbled.


	21. Mio's Inquisition (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I'd occasionally break up the main story with mini-chapters, a what-if concerning Mio as Inquisitor.

Mio kicked back, his feet crossed on the desk, arms folded over his stomach. Yawning quietly, he looked out the window. Still plenty of day left, and none of the work scattered on the floor nearby seemed even remotely appealing. Lazily reaching for the one remaining paper on his desk, he read through it again, for what felt like the hundredth time. He hadn’t seen his sister in a little over a year, and somehow she tracked him down, expressing an interest in joining the Inquisition. He knew the truth to be something else, though what, he wasn’t sure, probably getting away from the clan, prone to irrational decisions now, from what he had heard. Should be arriving soon, if she didn’t change her mind. In the event she wouldn’t, he had already notified the relevant people. He liked to stir up a little trouble here and there, and with that in mind, he chose to add to the Commander’s list of duties, charging him with keeping an eye on her. He had troubles with mages, and she was a mage, she had a problem with authority, and he was authority. It would be interesting to see how well he could handle her ‘unique’ attitude, and to see if she could learn to follow the rules.

Normally, this was about the time of day he took a break to _destress_ , but with her pending arrival, he thought better of it, though admittedly, he would rather stick to his usual schedule. A knock on the door called his attention, nodding once to the messenger that leaned in to tell him she had arrived. Sighing, he turned, moving to stand, jamming his hands in his pockets as he trudged down the steps and through the hall to meet her. It didn’t take long to find her in the gathered crowed, her long red hair and big, matching eyes standing out against the sea of people. He raised a hand in a lazy wave, his voice drawn out.

“Mana, over here.” He called.

She looked up, her movements sudden, nervous. The Keeper had warned him she was a bit jumpy since her return, but included no reasoning. She ran up to him, looking around with suspicion, fidgeting with her fingers as she spoke finally.

“So this is it, the Inquisition?” she asked.

He patted her head lightly, drawing her attention across the yard, where the Commander was running drills with the troop. “This is it. You’ll report to him, not me. I have a lot of work to do around here, so for now, he’s it.”

She frowned at the idea, relenting without actually arguing, though he could tell she wanted to. He offered his arm to her, walking her over to meet him, hoping it went smoothly enough. Not that he didn’t care about her or her comfort, but he was eager to return to his brief respite, maybe find some trouble to get into.

“Cullen.” He said, waiting for him to stop and turn around.

“Inquisitor?” he asked, wiping the sweat from his brow, apparently just noticing her presence.

“This is Mana. Take care of her, but don’t be afraid to put her to work.” He said.

Not a fighter, by any means, and she didn’t strike him at all as the type who would hold up in training. Exhaling, he shrugged a shoulder, figuring the least he could do would be to talk to her and try to find out what she could manage. Pretty, sure, but her slim form didn’t seem to possess much in the way of strength, but an order was an order.

“Of course. I’ll keep an eye on her.” He grunted.

“Remember to listen to him, I don’t need any negative reports.” He told her.

Her gaze fixed on her hands again, she nodded slightly, watching him leave. Cullen pointed next to him, for now just aiming to keep her out of his way. “Right there is fine.” He said, not looking at her as he said it.

Mana moved where he indicated, standing still, looking around discreetly, as though she might get in trouble if she was caught looking. She brought her hands to her shoulders, shivering mildly. No one had bothered to warn her that it would be cold here, not thinking to pack anything warm. He sighed to himself, removing his cloak, draping it over her shoulders. He said to take care of her, and letting her get sick was out of the question, he was used to the cold by now. It wasn’t as though he couldn’t get it back later, after all.

“Thanks…” she murmured quietly.

At the very least, he seemed nice enough, and she’d certainly try to stay out of his way. She hadn’t wanted to cause extra problems by being a pain.

“It’s really nothing.” He answered. A good time to ask, anyway. “What is it you can do, anyway?”

The question alone seemed to spook her, her answer coming slowly and nervous in the delivery. “I’m not entirely sure. I would say magic, but you don’t seem to need that. Maybe I can carry things?” she offered.

Cullen tensed slightly, realizing what he had done. He had soldiers more than capable of carrying things. If she really needed something to do, maybe he could have her do some light courier duties. He’d give it some thought later and show her the way to his office after he was done for the day.

“I’ll find you something to do. We’ll be done shortly.” He said, pressing a hand to his brow, it occurred to him he hadn’t had the time to find a place for her to room. “You can use the office for tonight. I’ll have someone find room for you somewhere. “

He had no reservations right off, it wasn’t as though they’d be sharing a bed, and he rarely slept through a whole night anyway. The company might even be pleasant, though that opinion was based entirely on how non-threatening she was so far. She could take the rest of the day to relax, and that would give him the chance to brainstorm a bit.

“If it’s no trouble.” She answered.

Not much of a conversationalist. That wasn’t a problem either, in fact just fine, at least for the moment, he couldn’t think of anything else to say to her, trying to concentrate on the drills.

“Are you sure that was a good idea?” a voice asked.

Dorian had finally freed his schedule, apparently. “Why not, it’ll make things interesting.” He said.

“Have you considered those two might kill each other?” he suggested.

“Unlikely, she’s not the same girl she used to be.” He replied, reaching for his hands.

“And if they end up liking each other?” he pressed, searching for a reaction.

“Even less likely. He’s all about work, and she’s… well, she’s something else.” He shrugged.

Mio slowly led him away from the balcony, back towards the bed. Eager to make use of their time alone, he finally let the subject go, though the smirk he wore said he wanted to keep debating it with him. Pushing him down, he knelt down over him, long hair sweeping against his chest, tickling.

“I see you’re not in a talkative mood. I can work with that…” he sighed, twisting a hand through his hair loosely.

The last bits of concern for her vanishing easily, preferring to take in the picture unfolding before him instead. They could sort things out just fine, and he wasn’t planning to coddle her just because she was family.


	22. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alina and Alistair interrupt Mana's plans to get back to work.

Mana felt the tension in the air, frowning as she sat still between Alina and Alistair. “Was this truly necessary? I’ve got things to do…” she mumbled, her lips barely moving.

“I thought you were desperate for memories. It’s time to make new ones, just sit still…” Alistair answered, equally stiff.

She forced a smile, sitting as still as she could manage, hoping this wouldn’t take long. Sadly, not much had been accomplished aside from her own searching since they had arrived, and Josephine had made a point of mentioning that Hawke was still impatiently waiting for her arrival in Crestwood, several increasingly irritated letters arriving in the last few days alone. Mio had been breathing down her neck about being a little more serious about her training, saying that if she couldn’t master basic spells, and unable to recall how her own unique brand of magic worked that she would only be a burden on the battlefield, and of course, there was Cullen, every passing day, getting more and more concerned that her ‘sickness’ hadn’t gone away as she had insisted it would, convinced entirely that it was the one thing she had all but guaranteed it _wasn’t._ When he had time away, he saw to bringing her the blandest meals he could find, the only thing he was sure she could keep down, making sure no one stocked her room with anything stronger than black tea. Everything was bothering her, and this, this painting they had forced her to sit for, she saw no point in it.

The only reason she had agreed to it in the first place, was that she knew without a doubt, that if she had refused, Alistair himself would have commanded it. Willful as she was, refusing a direct order from royalty was not in her plans, and while she was sure something as severe as treason would never come up, she didn’t particularly want to give him a reason to mention it.

“My face hurts. I’m told I don’t smile much; you can imagine how painful this actually is.” She told him.

“Look around. Demons, a blighted magister, war, do you _really_ think _anyone_ smiles much?” he countered.

“No, not really. When you put it that way, I’m compelled to agree.” She admitted, though it burned her up to do so.

“Mana, do you really have no reasons to smile? You may not remember, but you know in your heart your brother cares, you know your friends care, Cullen cares, and while you have no reason to believe it, _we_ care.” Alina said, mimicking the eerie way of speaking with a smile.

“So you keep saying. What is this even for?” she asked.

“We thought to hang it up in the castle. Alistair is terrible with decorating; a nice family portrait would liven up things.” She said.

Great, so now people she neither knew, nor cared about, from who knew where would see her there. If it was really for them, why not hang it somewhere private, where stuffy nobles, servants and other people could gape at her and her marred face? As if she needed another reason for people to talk about her behind her back, or to avoid her entirely when they happened to see her somewhere. The urge to jump up, to throw something and argue against this invasion of her already severely limited privacy was almost too much, but the mental image of being at the business end of a rope had implanted itself in her thoughts, and she forced herself to sit still.

“Any other plans you’ve made for me without consulting me, or am I free after this?” she questioned, grumpily.

“We’re not gone for a few more days, but we have no more plans for the day.” Alina said.

“Good, because as he so eloquently mentioned, there is the small matter of rifts and demons to handle, among other important matters. I can’t get to that if I’m glued to your side.” She sighed.

The man painting finally backed away, raising his brush. “All done. Just needs time to set.” He said.

Mana wasted no time, leaping up from her seat, stretching fully. Turning on her heel, she headed for the door, half expecting to be called back for some completely forgettable reason, though they didn’t try to stop her, only called to her one last time.

“We expect you for dinner tomorrow night.” Alistair informed her, his look suggesting it was less ‘we’ and more ‘her’.

“Wonderful, perfect, in fact. I look forward to being sick with you tomorrow.” She huffed, striding away before she could be interrupted again.

“Are you sure pushing her like this is the best way to go about this? In her place, being ordered to do things I don’t want to do would only make me want to rebel…” Alistair admitted.

“This was your idea, meeting her. I think she’s actually warming up a little…” she told him.

“I know, but I’m saying maybe we take a step back and think of an approach she might be a little more receptive to.” He said.

“What do you suggest, leave everything to him, and hope for the best?” she sighed.

“I’m not saying that. Let him talk to her first, and we’ll go from there.” He insisted quietly.

* * *

 

Mana had meant to head for the war room, to talk over the current state of the region, to confirm her objectives, and to formulate a plan, changing her mind at the last moment, diverting to her room. It would keep until she calmed down, the feeling like her veins had turned to ice, but the blood pumping through, all but boiling. Mio hadn’t told her everything, that much she was sure of, but the idle comments he made had her concerned about what might happen if irritation turned to outright anger, if she lost control. She had seen what she was capable of, at least, in part, and to let that happen if it was preventable was absolutely out of the question.

“Fine, brother. You win, I’ll figure this out yet.” She mumbled to herself.

Bare minimum, she hoped he had some idea of what might work, something that hopefully didn’t involve almost dying or almost killing someone else. Those two things aside, she was more than willing to try anything at this point, however ridiculous it might turn out, and with him, it was sure to either be awful or insane, maybe a bit of both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm relatively sure that one of the next few chapters will be smutty.


	23. The Hunter and the Hunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An increase in stress around the keep bring about an idea to destress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said it would be smutty, and it is xD. 
> 
> Anyway, this idea has been kicking around in my mind for a few months, so I thought I'd finally get to it.

Mana sat hunched over on the steps, constantly looking over her shoulder. Even after impressing that she had important matters to get to, that hadn’t stop the continuous chain of messengers arriving at the behest of her mother, occasionally Alistair, near pleading for her to talk to her, and she began to wonder if perhaps that woman had grown so desperate that she was driving her own husband crazy. On that matter, she turned her attention across the yard, Cullen taking advantage of the lull in business to work on his own training, a rare sight these days. What had her brother said about finding a hobby? Maybe she had things all wrong, but a thought occurred to her that might satisfy such a thing, _and_ still manage his training. Rising from the cold steps, she leapt off the edge, slower to stand, the landing numbing her legs for a passing few instants. Stopping a few feet behind him, she watched in silence, able to imagine the way his muscles pulled and flexed with every move, no effort wasted, absolute focus on his face. She hated to disturb him, but at the same time, she was more than happy to.

“You need a break. So do I.” she said finally.

Cullen halted, pausing to wipe his brow before turning to face her. Taking a deep breath, he lowered his sword, sheathing it in one quick motion.

“I have a sneaking suspicion that what you mean to say is ‘they still won’t leave me alone, stop what you’re doing and take me somewhere.’ Is that about right?” he chuckled.

Mana folded her arms across her chest, nodding once. “That’s about right. If I say I have an idea for what we could do, would that make a difference?”

Glancing around the yard, he nodded his head to a relatively isolated spot in the yard, hard enough to find a private place to talk without being too obvious, considering the surprisingly few people who understood their relationship was more than just ‘Commander’ and ‘Inquisitor’, that and both preferred a degree of privacy on that subject.

“So, this idea, care to share?” he asked, maintaining a casual distance just in case.

Mana wasn’t the most straightforward when it came to personal matters, it was just luck that he normally understood what she was trying to say. This time, she realized she probably could have been a bit more eloquent in outlining what she was hinting at.

“I was thinking blood magic.” She said, immediately regretting it.

The look on his face quickly shifted, not quite anger, but approaching it. “No, absolutely not. I couldn’t stand the thought of having to deal with that.”

Clearing her throat, she took a small step closer. “Not actually using it. Though…dealing with it is exactly what I was thinking…”

He mulled it over for a few minutes, a flash of understanding indicating he got the hint that time. The idea was incredibly uncomfortable, and yet, some part of him was actually responding to it. He nervously gripped his arm, once more looking around the yard, as though someone might have suddenly snuck up on them.

“To be clear, are you really asking for what I think you are?” he mumbled quietly.

Mana shrugged. “If you’re thinking that there’s an extremely dangerous mage loose here that needs to be taken care of, then yes, absolutely.”

Cullen thought it over, trying to decide if the distaste for it outweighed any other consideration, sighing. It was worth a try, at the very least, if it didn’t go well, he was fairly sure that it wouldn’t have to be repeated. She walked into the halls, picking up her pace until she got to the safety of her room, the last thing she wanted was last minute interruptions. Cullen, on the other hand, walked slowly, trying his best to seem busy, like he was in a polite hurry to discuss serious matters. Wondering to himself what the point of hiding things so carefully was, they wouldn’t be able to keep it under wraps forever, her clan had found out, the King and her mother had found out, if it wasn’t already widely known, it likely wouldn’t be long. If by some miracle it wouldn’t spread, surely she would show before long and it would still get out.

Cullen closed the door behind him, ruffling the back of his hair in thought. Maybe her reasoning was spot on, she was overwhelmed, and without realizing it, he had more on his mind than he believed, and that too was building. Something that was based in seriousness but with a playful spin on it might be just the thing to shed the stresses of life. He took a few steps towards her, though she backed away, struggling to hide a smile.

“I see, you really don’t want to make this easy, right?” he asked.

She stepped closer, dancing back when he reached for her again. “Here I thought you wanted the exercise. If you can’t catch me, perhaps you have a long way to go.”

“Well then, what happens if I _do_ catch you?” he wondered out loud.

“ _If_ you catch me, then I guess it’s entirely up to you what happens, isn’t it? Or do Templars regularly make a habit of letting mages decide what happens to them when they’re caught?” she murmured.

There was definitely a strategy for this, she was both smaller and faster, he imagined she had a lot of experience with running, given what little anyone seemed to know of her. She shifted side to side in anticipation, trying to predict which way he might go, and how best to avoid that, confused when he simply stood there with his back to her. It looked as though he were picking at something, the reason obvious after some time. He laid his armor on the couch, carefully placed, kicking his boots to the side. It probably seemed strange, but at the end of the day, it was heavier than it looked, more than enough to slow him down. If catching her was the goal, that was an advantage, turning to face her, observing her in silence. If he watched her long enough, it would be easy to tell the direction she meant to go, though it said nothing of how she might move. Mana leaned right and he jolted left, that small signal intended to throw him off, missing her by a hair’s breadth. Circling him, she reached out, tapping his shoulder, stepping back when he tried again, heading to the left, his hand caught the side of her shirt, easing her back. He brushed a kiss over her ear, securing an arm around her in case she tried to get away again.

“It looks like I’ve caught you…” he whispered.

“So you have…” she affirmed.

He found her nape, nipping gently, his hand curling under the edge of her shirt, pulling it up and off. Mana had stopped squirming, far too interested in where this was going to want to draw it out by running again. Cullen gently pushed her to the bed, shrugging off his clothes, picking the strings at the front of his pants, stepping out of them when they reached his ankles, kneeling at the edge of the bed, crawling towards her. He pushed her legs apart, leaning over her, twining his fingers in her hair, drawing her lower lip between his teeth, tugging slowly, devouring her in his kiss, his right hand slowly tracing velvety skin, down the center of her chest, sweeping her stomach. Mana wiggled away from his touch, and he remembered she had a small problem with it, the lingering scar entirely in her mind. He moved lower, working to pry open her bottoms, peeling them off slowly, bare skin warm under his hand. The tight leather hugged her curves well, no room for her smalls, unsurprising, though he wondered who exactly had included such a garment in her wardrobe, it hadn’t been him, that much he knew.

The light had caught him just right, his eyes almost golden, wondering what to do with her. Calloused fingers probed her, exploring the contours, dipping in lightly.

“Will you yield to such light interrogation, mage, or will you resist?” he questioned.

His mouth grazed her neck, sucking firmly, intent on marking her as his, though he wouldn’t tell her his reasoning. She tipped her head to the side, shrugging a shoulder to his question, doing her best to look defiant, a challenge when she could barely concentrate on anything but him.

“I don’t think you could take me. What reason do I have to listen?” she challenged.

She was almost dripping with excitement, and yet she kept up the act, playing into it. Cullen pulled his hand away, turning slightly to slip off his boxers, placing a light kiss on her knees before returning to her.

“Very well. This is your doing; it seems I’ll have to use harsher methods to pacify you.” He murmured quietly.  

Her grasp fixed on his arms, quivering in anticipation as he spread over her, slowly, teasingly filling her. Cullen wanted her, in a sense torturing himself as well, but her reactions were fascinating, kneading his shoulders as if silently begging him to stop holding back. Giving in, sliding his arm underneath her, the rough pads of his fingers spiraling against the slight dip just above her butt, pounding into her, moving her with every thrust. Mana swallowed back her cries, drawing her legs around him, pulling him in harder, deeper, red jewels fixed on his. He grinned, and she knew instinctively that he was up to something, bringing his arm away from her, resting on her long enough to reach back, loosening her legs, reaching for her slim wrists, pinning her down, his tongue sweeping the slope of her shoulder, up her neck. An intense shiver racing through her, arcing up higher, whimpering urgently, held tightly inside. Letting go of her, she reached for him, tracing his chest appreciatively, rocking up to him.

He closed his eyes, listening to her attentively, hearing her sharp intake of air, the sounds of her panting filling the room, relaxing her body, though inside, she was trembling. She felt his hands clench around her arms as he seemed to tense up, his movements so quick and hard that she was moved with every motion. He wanted to take his time, to give her everything she deserved and more, the slight scratch of her nails on his chest telling him she was close once more. Rolling her hips against him, her breath caught, stealing another kiss, her tongue darting out to meet his, a hushed cry caught between their lips. She felt the warmth spreading further down her legs, blushing bright red, breaking the kiss, his attention drawn between them. He felt the familiar tension in every muscle, clenched tightly, mouthing her collarbone hungrily. Cullen leaned fully against her, flooding her deeply, heavy, erratic breaths accompanying the rise and fall of his chest.

Reluctantly freeing himself from her, he slid his arms around her, curling up with her, kissing her brow lightly. He tried to think of something clever to say, but the idea of ruining the moment had snuck into his thoughts, a knock at the door calling their focus to the door.

“Shit…” she murmured, realizing whoever was there might try to open the door any second.

Cullen quickly bent to grab the blankets, bringing them up. The door began to open, the sound of the lock clicking into place confusing her.

“Did you do that?” he asked quietly.

“I’m not sure, I don’t think I did anything, I can’t tell.” She answered honestly.

“Either way, it bought us enough time to get dressed, at least…” he sighed, unprepared to leave her side.

“That’s true, but…what if we just ignored it?” she offered.

“Message for the Inquisitor!” a voice outside called.

Mana looked him in the eyes, a frown engraved on her face. He rolled his eyes, getting comfortable. “This once, I think it’ll be fine.” He agreed with her.


	24. Not So Sweet Dreams

“Are you certain it’s alright to leave your mother alone without telling her you were going?” Solas wondered.

Mana shot him a look, though instead of concerning himself with it, his brows twisted together, head canted to the side as he followed a little closer. Her normally vivid ruby eyes were bloodshot, her very appearance telling a story she said nothing about.

“I warned her and Alistair both that I had work to do. I can’t stay there and let the world fall apart while I do nothing.” She answered quietly.

“Are you not sleeping well?” he asked next.

“Stress, probably. Dreams don’t help either, in the day, I have to watch my back. In the night, I can’t run from that either, death always finds me in my sleep.” She told him.  “That’s not important.”

Mio folded his arms behind his head, sighing to himself. “That’s nothing new, though I’d imagine you wouldn’t know that. It’s a byproduct of your magic, it affects you too, the true shame is that I could fix it, but the things I need to do that aren’t found nearby.”

“Helpful as always, so glad you’re here.” She snapped.

They had made good time, already near Crestwood, when it had begun to rain heavily, when her pace changed from determined hurrying to leisurely stroll, her attention lost to the sky, wondering what it was about the rain and the smells that came with it that always seemed so familiar. Like something that lingered in a dark recess of her mind, just out of reach, a feeling like she should know what it meant.

“You should relax, Boss. It’s bad for both of you.” Bull added.

Mana glared over her shoulder towards her brother, a shaking huff nearing rage accompanying the expression. “Gods, Mio, did you tell everyone?”

He paused for a split second before resuming his pace. “I swear; I didn’t let it get around.”

“No one had to say anything, I don’t know, it’s just…kind of obvious?” he affirmed.

Mana turned her focus downward, perhaps a little, but to her it looked no different than if she had eaten a little too much at dinner, but then again, everyone but her seemed to have been drawing the exact same conclusion. Maybe it was obvious after all, to anyone but her, she certainly didn’t feel any different, not really.

“I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn’t just call me fat.” She grunted.

“What if he was?” Solas asked, curious.

“I would have to restrain her, obviously.” Mio answered for her.

“Don’t threaten me with a good time.” She told him sarcastically.

Mana reached for the map, staring down at it, occasionally drawing her gaze upward to make sure she didn’t fall down a hole, or walk into some enemy ambush. The cave they were looking for shouldn’t be much further down this path, if she was reading it right, but who could say if she was, maps never matched the land, if it even showed anything besides rudimentary landmarks. She paused, noticing a few Wardens ahead, engaged in combat, she frowned, looking back to her brother for suggestions.

“Why not give it a go? See if you can’t make it work this time.”  He offered.

It was worth a shot, but as of yet, she hadn’t managed to figure it out, and she doubted this time would be any different.

“How does this go?” she asked quietly.

“You always said it was just you thinking really hard about something specific. Hell if I know how you manage it.” He admitted.

Very helpful, that was a positively comprehensive review. Not. What was she even supposed to imagine? Something painful would probably help, otherwise, how was this supposed to even do anything of use? Mana closed her eyes, fighting off the urge to fall asleep on her feet, though maybe that was the key, her dreams had been awful, and maybe recalling that might help? Reassembling the visions that had, of late, roused her from her tentative sleep, she pieced them together as vividly as she could recall them, cringing visibly, every face she had seen, the inhuman, almost ethereal figures that hovered so close she could feel their breaths.

“What the hell, Mana, this isn’t helpful at all…” Mio grumbled.

Her eyes shot open with a deep breath, akin to a drowning man’s first breath after being freed from frozen waters, dismayed when she saw what he meant. Those dreams that incited such a deepset panic in her had manifested nothing more than a few flowers at her feet, not even pretty ones, shriveled, ugly, withered stalks with crumbling petals, hardly fit to be called flowers at all. Gritting her teeth in bitter disappointment, mainly directed at herself, she reached for her staff, noticing the Wardens had already killed the creatures.

“To hell with this, I’m so sick of being defective.” She huffed under her breath.

The Wardens tried to call her attention, but she simply walked past, too upset with herself to be bothered with anything beyond that. Hawke had been waiting long enough, and right now, finding her should be the priority, so she could go home. Maybe the library had something a little more useful about the matter than ‘imagine something’. It felt like they had walked forever, though it had to have been less than an hour since they were on the approach to the cave.

“There she is.” Mio said, pointing ahead.

Mana halted abruptly, turning to look. Indeed, she stood there, arms crossed over her chest, waiting patiently, it appeared, though the expression she wore was pure irritation. She hung her head, heading for the entrance, wondering what this friend of hers was like, and how this would go. He had information, her only hope was that this entire trip was worthwhile and the intel was useful in some way. The group wandered through the narrow path through the cave, pausing at the door, entirely due to the fact that Mana slumped against it, clearly exhausted, unable to keep going. Solas nodded ahead, looking back to her brother.

“We’ll take care of this, you take care of her.” He said, almost like an order.

He had done that much of her life, this would be no different. She just needed sleep, but without those plants, he had no way of ensuring it would be restful.


	25. Stay Put

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mana wakes up after Crestwood, eager to begin her search for ideas on how to rekindle her magic.

Mana awoke back in her room, shielding her eyes as she sat up. She couldn’t recall the trip back, wondering how long she had slept and how exactly she managed to avoid the nightmares, the answer coming as she turned her head. Mio sat on the couch, a small container beside him, her next thought spent wondering where he had managed to get the plants he had mentioned, the smell familiar, as usual not enough to trigger anything in her mind.

“Make sure you thank Dorian.” He said.

“Alright, why?” she asked, wanting to be sure she knew what for.

“Turns out he had most of what I needed. The rest, I was told was actually found not far from here, so I was able to collect the last bits myself.” He stated.

Mana nodded slowly, about to get up, though her body felt far too heavy for it just yet. Eventually, she managed to stand, idly pulling out a drawer, staring down at the clothes within as though she didn’t recognize them, settling on an outfit, she walked past him, towards the bath, stopping when he moved in front of her.

“Move…” she mumbled.

“Not yet, wait until you’re a little steadier on your feet. The last thing I want is for you to get hurt.” He told her honestly.

“Really, is that actually the last thing you want?” she repeated sarcastically.

“Yes, in fact, get back in bed. I’ll go get the reports for you so you don’t have to try the stairs yet.” He confirmed.

Mana was ready to argue it, realizing her legs felt weak, acquiescing to his suggestion, curling up on the bed. Mio watched her a moment longer, satisfied that she wouldn’t try anything, leaving to get the reports as he had said he would. Passing by Cullen in the hall, he nudged his arm, pointing back to the room without a word, either telling him that she was awake, or that he should keep an eye on her, he couldn’t quite tell which. Heading back to her room, he quietly made his way up the stairs, trying not to be too loud until he noticed she wasn’t in bed at all. He was set to look for her until he heard her groan, his attention drawn to the floor, a few books scattered around her. He quickly stepped over, helping her to her feet and back to the bed, noticing her eyes fixated on the books. Sighing at her stubborn persistence, he retrieved them from the ground, bringing them to her. He said nothing, though his expression said everything, ‘Don’t do anything reckless, stay in bed for now.’

“I’m sorry, I’ll stay put for tonight, but I can’t sit and do nothing. I need to figure this out, it’s important.” She explained vehemently.

Cullen reached out, brushing loose strands from her face, unable to deny her that much. “Are you the same girl who didn’t want her magic?” he asked gently.

That much hadn’t changed at all, she still wanted nothing to do with it if it meant she had used it for the wrong reasons. No, this time it was more personal, the only reason she needed to figure this out so desperately was the vain hope that it might help her sleep better. In her mind, if she could only remember how it went, it would be like bringing the things from her imagination around her, however she pictured it. If she knew how to do it, maybe she could create something harmless, giving her a chance to sleep soundly while also not hurting anyone. After the last incident, the thought of putting anyone else through the things she saw was too much, even accidentally. Retrieving just a few memories had caused the people she cared for to hurt, actual physical pain.

Mana grabbed the nearest book, rubbing her eyes to clear them up. It was supposed to be a comprehensive overview of many types of magic, it at least sounded like just what she needed. Before she had a chance to read even a few words, the door opened again, and her brother came up the stairs, waving the few reports on the trip to Crestwood, setting them down in front of her, over the open book. Mio bent to grab the container from the couch, offering it to Cullen, gesturing to her.

“I gather you’re here more often than I am. If she needs to rest, it’ll help her sleep better. A little of it with water should do the trick.” He paused, tilting his head. “Heard you’re not sleeping well either, might work on you too, can’t say for sure.”

He excused himself, a combination of wanting to give her a little privacy, and a sudden desire to visit his favorite mage, he corrected his own thoughts, his favorite mage that wasn’t related. When he was out of the room long enough, he reached for here side, looking at her with concern as she read through the papers.

“Are you alright, you’re not hurt?” he asked.

Mana pointed to her legs, not looking up. “My legs gave out, they hurt a little, but I’m fine. It’s fine.”

That last bit was somewhat touching, the first time she had given even slight acknowledgement that she might not simply be sick after all. Stretching out, her head tossed a bit, trying to get comfortable, her arms held out straight up above her so she could continue from this angle. In an effort to make sure she was well cared for, he glanced around, trying to figure out if there was anything more he could do for her. He could think of a single thing she might accept, she had been asleep for days, and hadn’t eaten in some time, but the only thing she missed was the very same things she hadn’t managed to keep down. Cullen stood once more, heading for the door, pausing to let her know he would return, waiting when she called to him.

“I’m done with these, would you mind taking these back if you’re headed that way?’ she asked, her tone indicating she hadn’t wanted to ask any favors.

Glad she had chosen to do that instead of trying to make the short trip on her own, he took them from her. “I’ll be back shortly, _please_ stay in bed this time, and don’t overdo it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this the end of 'I'm just sick, I swear."? The world may never know.


	26. Chapter 26

Mana slept in the next day, long enough for Cassandra to insist she be woken up. Cullen shuffled off to her room, having just left a scant few hours earlier. He gently sat on the edge of the bed, careful to avoid sitting on her. He brought a hand to rest on her side, slowly brushing against her hip and over her stomach. She hadn’t yet stirred, but already she made him beam with pride. There was an undeniable slight swell to her stomach that in his mind confirmed it for him. Part of him was nervous about the idea of being a father, especially in the middle of all this mess, but the better part was thrilled. That in mind, he stretched over her, pressing light kisses to her brow and cheek, pausing at her ear. 

 

“Time to wake up, love.” he whispered quietly. 

 

If it was up to him, he’d have let her sleep as long as she needed, especially considering the scare she had just dealt with. Mana sat up slowly with an irritated whine, her hair swaying to the side. She looped her arms around his neck, drawing him closer, lazily kissing him. Cullen pulled her up a little more, his arms holding her snugly around the waist, in the hopes it would tempt her into not trying to go back to bed. She laid her head on his shoulder, sighing. Holding her like this, he tried not to notice, still somewhat shy even now, but her breasts had filled out a little more as well. 

 

“What’s wrong?” he asked kindly. 

 

“‘M still tired…” she groaned. 

 

“I know you are. I’ll see what can be done to make your day a little easier. The faster the work is done, the sooner you can relax for the rest of the night. If you like, I’ll stay here again, maybe a bath and a nice massage before bed? Would that make you feel better?” he asked, running his fingers through her hair. 

 

Mana gave a slow nod, regretfully moving away from him so she could get dressed for the day. Cullen joined her, close by in case she needed help. She was steadier on her feet today it seemed, undressing to her smalls rather quickly. As much as he tried not to pay attention to give her some sense of privacy, he couldn’t help looking, eyes falling down her spine, stopping at the sweet curves of her hips. He took a few steps closer, resting his palm against her bottom loosely. Squeaking at the sudden touch, she looked back at him, but didn’t move away. Sweeping her hair behind her ear, she smiled shyly, flattered that even now she still appealed to him. Dropping her clothes, she turned to face him, holding his shoulders gently. She pushed herself to her toes to kiss him, and his hands went for her hips, lifting her easily to him. When she broke it to catch her breath, he smiled, questioning her for a moment. 

 

“Are you sure you want to start something now? We’ll both get a lecture if we’re late…” he laughed. 

 

Mana wrapped her legs around his waist, nodding slowly. “I think I do.” 

 

Cullen glanced back to the door, carrying her back to the bed, setting her down carefully. She unwrapped her legs, raising against him when his hand disappeared into her panties, vivid eyes closing tightly. Interesting how much more sensitive she seemed to be than usual, eager too. Even though she was still unwilling to admit it in words, he had a feeling she was finally owning up to her  _ present condition _ , and didn’t argue against how gently he was treating her this time. He bent lower, trailing kisses against her neck and throat, nibbling affectionately, shivering at the sounds she made past his ear. Hesitantly, he reached for her hand, directing it down, wordlessly asking for her help. Mana reached down, tugging the laces on his breeches, pulling them down a bit, his length springing free. He sighed gratefully, rewarding her by slowly twisting two fingers in, his wrist flexing as he tried to prepare her. Somewhere in the back of his mind, the unlocked door concerned him, and he found himself praying that no one would get frustrated enough at how long it was taking to come back to actually hunt them down. Mana tipped her head back against the pillows, swallowing away her quiet pleas, successfully drawing him back to her neck, her skin faintly laced with salt and radiated with the smell of flowers from the soap she used. Biting her lip, she battled a sharp moan, managing to suffocate most of it in her throat, though it was hard when he kept going past the point the sharp electric tingles had finally stopped, nearly throwing her into a second orgasm that threatened to shock her nerves. Cullen pulled his hand back, face flushed while he watched her, backing from her long enough to sweep his tongue against his fingers. He hastily shucked off his clothes, glad for the cool air that managed to soothe the heat building between them. Carefully lifting her by the hips, he tugged her panties off, dropping them off the edge of the bed. His hands wandered up along her back, struggling with the clasps of her bra, just a little too tight on her now. 

 

“Cullen...I don’t want to wait anymore...please…” she begged quietly. 

 

_ Eager indeed. _ He reached for her hands, slipping his fingers between hers, unable to not show excessive concern for her, it seemed. 

 

“Are you sure? If you need more time, I’ll wait…” he asked. 

 

“I’m sure...please…” she repeated. 

 

“Alright...but tell me if it’s too much, I don’t want to hurt you…” he said anxiously. 

 

Mana didn’t want to let go of his hands, lifting her legs around his hips slowly, he positioned himself to her. He was more cautious about it this time, taking his time with her until he was certain he wasn’t causing her any pain. Frustrated, she rolled with him, awkward enough as it was to move with him. He groaned, staring up at her curiously, his hands falling to her hips, calloused thumbs brushing against her tenderly. The look on her face said she wasn’t quite sure how this was supposed to work, but she was trying, lifting just a little between slow, nervous rolls of her hips. Cullen let go of her hands, putting hers against his chest to make it easier for her. Leaned against him this way, she found her rhythm, a steady sway punctuated with a firm rise and fall in between. Mana shifted closer, aiming for his neck in the same way he liked to kiss and nip at hers, the movement shifting the way he fit inside her, gasping in surprise. Clutching her waist, he tried to help, dragging her up and back with ease. He appreciated the view, and the way she felt like this, different from how it usually felt. At the same time, it was almost maddening, the way her breasts jolted with even the smallest of moves, nipples perked, begging for attention he couldn’t offer like this. The best he could manage was to reach up, abandoning her hips in favor of lightly pinching and rolling her nipples, drawing a string of pleasured sighs from her, dropping her head back as her fingers wandered along his chest. He hoped she was only doing this to spur him on, because it was working wonders if she was. 

 

“Hold on…” he sighed. 

 

Mana slowed, unsure what he meant. Holding her tightly, he moved quickly, nearly pinning her under him for an instant. Drawing her legs back into place around him, he dipped his head down, playfully nibbling the space between her breasts before his tongue found her nipple, circling it slowly and sweeping across it. Snapping his hips against her, he panted eagerly, trying to remind himself to be a little less rough on her, though she seemed to be enjoying it. Maybe it was too soon to be concerned about hurting the baby, but he couldn’t be sure, and he couldn’t exactly tell her that was the reason, not when she was scratching at his back the way she was, all but begging for him to give her what she needed. It might be smarter not to voice his concerns until she was willing to admit it out loud. Putting it out of his mind when he felt the way her walls quivered around him, heard her shuddering moans, his name cried out somewhere between in a way that made him forget how to think for a moment. It almost made him lose control right there, but he held on, steadily pounding against her in an attempt to hold out as long as possible.Mana pulled him against her harder, deeper, and that was it, unprepared for it, his groan became something nearing a growl, panting hotly against her lips when he found them again, biting firmly before soothing the reddening marks across her lower lip. Cullen slowed finally, gasping into the kiss when he came, shuddering as though the thick bursts were draining his energy. Breaking the kiss, he reluctantly slipped free of her, holding her loosely to him. He was content to relax with her in his arms a little longer, until the door opened, just enough time to pull the covers up over them before the figure stood in front of them. 

 

“So Alina asked me to...Sylaise save my eyes…” Mio hissed under his breath. 

 

Turning his back to them, he groaned unpleasantly. “Cassandra is looking for both of you, but your mother is also vying for your attention. Personally, I think Queen of Ferelden beats angry Seeker any day, but take your pick...after you put your clothes back on, preferably…” 

 

Cullen gave her an apologetic look, not moving to grab their clothes until after he’d taken his leave again. Mana dressed slowly, red eyes fixed on his, almost sadly. 

 

“Well, at least we didn’t get interrupted until  _ after?” _ she mumbled hopefully. 

 

“That’s a fair point. Would have been better to not get bothered at all, but I suppose we should take what we can get, considering the state of Thedas…” he relented. “If you want to see what your mother wants, I can check in with Cassandra and get back to you?” 

 

Giving a slight nod, she struggled with the buttons on her blouse a bit longer before answering. “That would be great...thank you so much…” 

 

“I haven’t done anything worthy of your thanks.” he said sheepishly. 

 

“We can debate this later, after we’ve had our lecture…” she muttered. 

 

“Don’t forget. I’m taking care of you completely tonight.” Cullen reminded her before leaving. 


End file.
